[Bucky Barnes; R] Uncivil War: Chapter 8 Character/Series: Bucky Barnes; Marvel Cinematic Universe Rating: R Notes: I lost about 300 words of this that was all Awesome with a capital A, but my program glitched and killed them, so this is not nearly as good as I wanted. Title: Uncivil War- Chapter 8: If He Was Fire, Then She Must Be Wood Author:yuuo Word Count: 5152 Summary:Bucky and Steve had started fighting over stupid things
now the flames they followed Joan of Arc as she came riding through the dark no moon to keep her armor bright no man to get her through this very smoky night she said i'm tired of the war i want the kind of work i had before a wedding dress or something white to wear upon my swollen appetite -Leonard Cohen
Bucky and Steve had started fighting over stupid things. Who'd make lunch- it was always Bucky, why was Steve even arguing this? Or who handled the dishes -again, always Steve, why was this an argument? Glasses were being slammed down in the cupboard again, but at least Steve didn't have a favorite one for Bucky to accidentally break this time. Steve wouldn't accept help putting his art supplies away when Sharon returned from town with a flat and clear tote for them. Bucky understood he was fussy about it, but for god's sake, he'd never had a problem with Bucky helping him put away his art supplies before.
It was just getting ridiculous, and it always felt like Steve was the one picking the fight and Bucky was the one overreacting to it. He was sure that wasn't true, but it sure as hell felt like it. Hydra was making Steve prickly, and Bucky's patience was wearing thin, and the Soldier part of his brain was seriously starting to wonder if Steve was going to finally order him to leave him alone and go away. And Bucky didn't know how any part of his brain would handle that.
They were getting nowhere, fast.
Leaving Steve to the kitchen that day after lunch- if Steve wanted to clean it that badly, he could -Bucky went back to their room. Maria offered to spend time with him somewhere private, but he was too riled up, knew that he risked taking his bad mood out on her and he wouldn't do that to her, so he declined with a kiss to the cheek, as gentle as possible, before leaving the cafeteria.
Once in his room, he stared at the bed, debating knocking himself out with an Ativan for a sanity restoring nap, but thought better of it. Steve might show up and that'd kill that idea, and Bucky still had those files to sort back into order and they'd been sitting in the desk for two weeks now.
He sat down at the desk and pulled out the file. He slid the folder out of the envelope Tony had tucked it in and set the envelope aside. He ran his flesh fingers along the writing on the front, the words that labeled the folder 'Winter Soldier Project'. Carefully, worried about tearing the old pages, he opened the folder and started flipping through its content, project notes and pictures of various stages of the project. His own face stared back at him, gaze distant and rough and almost unrecognizable at times.
Wait. Something was off about the files. He flipped through them some more, realizing that the pages were back in order. He sure as hell hadn't reorganized them, but there they were, only a couple pictures out of place.
Which meant Steve had gotten back into them.
Goddamnit.
Bucky wondered how many times he'd sat there while Bucky slept a drugged sleep or spent time with Bruce or Maria or even just watched the news channels, hoping for information on the rest of his team. It was no wonder Steve's aggressions weren't easing off. It wasn't just pyschogenic memories, it wasn't a failure on the part of the beta blockers, it was because Steve was obsessing over something that couldn't be changed, couldn't be undone, and was no longer wanted to be undone. Bucky wouldn't have this family of his if not for what he went through. He wouldn't have Steve at all if not for that project.
Steve apparently didn't get that.
Bucky spread the papers and pictures out, reading over each one carefully, trying to see what Steve was seeing. He knew what he saw, he saw fear and anger and hurt, but mostly fear, followed by a cold lack of emotions at all. Winter.
Obviously, Steve saw something different. He saw the Soldier, he saw the monster.
Bucky wondered how many times he had to tell Steve that the monster loved him before he stopped fearing him.
There was a knock on the door, followed by Steve's voice. Bucky glanced over without moving his head as the door opened. "Buck, you're not napping, are-" Steve stopped, looking at Bucky at the desk over his dresser. "No, you're not."
"You're right, I'm not," Bucky said, starting to slide papers and pictures together in proper order. "I thought these were still out of order." He tapped the bottom of the papers on the desk, straightening them, and put them in the folder. "How many times have you looked at this?"
"Enough."
Bucky whirled in his seat. "Enough for what, to decide how much to hate me?"
Steve stepped in and slammed the door behind him. "Not you."
Bucky clenched his hands. "Then who, the Soldier? I am the Soldier, and I don't know how many times I have to tell you this before it sinks in."
"That's not you," Steve said. "I saw what he did in that lab, that's not you."
Bucky tried to draw in a calming breath and count to ten, but he didn't quite make it and his fists began to shake from the effort it took to not yell. "Maybe once upon a time it wasn't, but goddamnit, Steve, I am that now. It's part of me. Would you please stop blaming me for what Hydra did to us?" He blamed himself for what happened to Steve enough, he didn't need Steve doing it too.
Before Steve could answer, he put the folder back in the envelope and stood. "And stop getting into my stuff." He took the envelope to his dresser and tucked it in the top drawer under his clothes. "This project is mine."
"Yours?" Steve said incredulously. "You still belong to Hydra?"
"Less than you do," Bucky snapped. "Now shut up and sit on the bed. We're going to try this exposure therapy again." Something, anything to try to beat Hydra out of him. It was probably bad timing, with how angry they both were, but maybe, just maybe, that anger could be directed away from Bucky and the Soldier and onto Hydra and they might get somewhere.
Steve didn't give any inclination to move. "When're we going to focus on you?"
Bucky honestly couldn't tell if that was spoken merely in anger, or if he heard some concern in it.
"I've gotten out of Hydra once," he said. "And I can't do it again as long as you're fighting with me over every stupid thing. Now shut up, sit on the bed, and let's try this again. We're gonna keep doing it until either it starts working, or Bruce and I decide it's not working at all."
Steve finally went and sat down on the bed. "You can't tell it's not already?"
"You're not giving it a chance," Bucky said, sitting down across from Steve. "You keep shutting me down and leaving whenever we try. Now grab your sketchbook."
Steve grabbed his almost full sketchbook that he'd been using since the Tower, keeping track of nightmare images in an attempt to take their power away from them. He turned to the last picture and handed it over to Bucky.
Bucky took it, studying it, able to hold a straight face regardless of what he saw that Steve had drawn, but this one hurt. It was the Soldier, full face gear, blood spattered everywhere. Probably the first thing Steve really saw after the doctors were dead. "Why did you draw this?"
"Because it's what I had a nightmare about," Steve said. "You're the one that told me to do that."
Bucky looked up at him over the sketchbook. "Is this how you see me now?"
"It's how I see the Winter Soldier," Steve said, stubborn in his constant insistence that the Soldier and Bucky were separate people, to the same extent Bruce and the Hulk were.
"Steve, I am the Winter Soldier. You're never going to get this out of your head if you don't accept that." Steve looked away, a stubborn set to his jaw. Okay, try something new. "What was the last thing you remembered in the lab before you saw this?"
That got Steve thinking, struggling to remember before that room. "I remember getting stabbed in the neck, right here." He indicated the muscle that connected his neck to his shoulder. "Then it went dark. I don't remember anything before that, but I remember that. Then I remember more needles." He stared down at his hands in his lap, and Bucky saw them shaking. "Then that room, those doctors, then the blood. Everything after that's clear enough."
"And the blood scares you more than the doctors?"
"It's not the blood, it's the face."
"So the Soldier scares you more than the threat of experiments those doctors were going to do on you?" That was completely unfair and it made Bucky angry, but he hid that pain and rage down where Steve couldn't see it.
"They're both Hydra," Steve snapped. "Unless you wanna look at those files and call me a liar."
Those damn files. If Steve had just fucking stayed out of them, this might not be as much of an issue as it was. "I'm not calling you a liar, I'm saying that you're wrong for thinking he didn't get out. I got out and took his training with me."
"And he turned you into a murderer."
Bucky bit the inside of his mouth. "You say that while being able to remember that I threw out my realistic pacifism to become a sniper to protect you. What the h-" He cut himself off, taking a deep breath. "What makes you think that I wouldn't go that far to protect you from Hydra? Especially from Hydra scientists? Or are you going to point out those files selectively?"
So much for patience and hiding his own reactions. It was no wonder they kept fighting. Bucky was shitty at this.
"How about I point out that they hit you with that same stuff they hit me with?" Steve all but snarled at him. "Tell me why I should trust that Hydra's not in you just as much as me?"
"You shouldn't," Bucky retorted, face growing hot from anger. "But I know the way out and I can't get back out as long as you won't come with me. How many times do I have to say that before it sinks in your thick skull?"
"We're getting nowhere with this," Steve said in disgust, getting up. "Why don't you go find your girlfriend? You're more tolerable after getting laid."
Bucky drew back, at once shocked and livid that Steve would even say that. That wasn't something Steve would normally say, and it felt like slap to the face, like Steve was no longer capable of making Bucky smile, that he could be only tolerable.
He let Steve go, the door slamming behind him again. He'd go look for him later, he was probably going to the training room to work off his frustrations.
Bucky threw the sketchbook across the room and stormed out, heading to the work room. Bruce wasn't there, so Bucky began tying rubber bands together, the anger slowly leeching out until all that was left was an empty sense of hopelessness. Two weeks and things were only getting worse.
Bucky rolled the little ball of rubber bands he'd made between his hands, his chin on the work table. He and Bruce still hadn't figured out anything that could treat Steve's amnesia that would get through the brain-blood barrier and actually do any good.
So he decided to try to chew on that, rolling that ball back and forth.
Really, though, he wasn't thinking about the problem at all. He wasn't thinking much of anything except about keeping that ball in a straight path. The argument with Steve sat in his stomach like an uncomfortable lump, so Bucky wasn't feeling up to much of anything. Steve had likely gone to the training building, and Sharon, last he knew, had gone to the lounge, reading one of her romances. Maria... actually, he wasn't sure where either Maria or Bruce were.
His mental health would probably do better if he found one of them to spend time with, instead of gnawing on his liver over the increasing number of fights he and Steve were having. Or even just the one they just had.
"Bucky?"
Bucky didn't lift his head at the sound of Maria's voice in his comm, but he stopped playing with the rubber bands. "Yeah?"
"Junior says there's an incoming call from Tony for you. She says he specified you."
He would've thought that odd, except that he knew it meant that Tony was wanting an update that Bucky didn't wanna give. No good news to give. But he bit back a sigh and sat up, setting aside the rubber band ball. "Am I supposed to go out to the quinjet, or can I take it up in the computer room? Where I assume you are to have gotten that call."
"Up here will work," Maria said. "I'll leave to give you privacy. Tony seems intent on wanting to talk to only you."
Yup, an update that Bucky didn't want to give. He stood from the desk chair he and Bruce confiscated for the work room and headed down the hall. "I'm on my way," he said, reaching the watch tower stairs. He climbed them like his feet were made of lead, heavy and reluctant to move.
Maria had the door open, so he didn't have to fuck around with the lock. Good. The damn thing still was twitchy about his handprint scan. She turned in her seat with a small smile. "Hello, dear."
She was trying, he knew that. Sharon was trying with Steve, Maria was trying with him, and Bruce was trying to find the magic pill to heal everything, but they all knew about the fights. They all knew how far they were from going home.
Bucky forced a smile to match to make her feel better. She got up and met him halfway from the door to the communications computer. She wrapped her arms around his neck, resting her head on his metal shoulder. "You shouldn't spend so much time isolated from everyone," she said, glancing up at him without moving her head.
He wrapped her up in his arms like a line of hope, something to hold onto that'd keep him from getting lost in the storm that had entered his life against his will. "I know," he said, indirectly admitting that he didn't really do anything when left to his own devices but brood. "So Tony's calling me, huh?"
Maria let go of him and motioned to her chair. "Insistently. I'll give you privacy for the call. I don't think Tony cares to talk to anyone else right now anyway." She looked at him. "Don't close the door on him, okay? I know Steve's your best friend, and you've talked to me, but he cares too."
Oh lord, Maria. Bucky gave her a lopsided grin. "I know. You don't need to tell me." He stepped past her to the chair, only giving half notice as she left and closed the door behind her. "Okay, Junior," he said, shooing one of the cats off the computer console.
"Connecting right now," she said.
Her voice was immediately followed by Tony's. "So how's my favorite cybernetic friend?" Tony asked with a fake enthusiasm.
"As far as I know, I'm the only cybernetic friend you have," Bucky replied, grabbing the cat to drop on the ground again after it'd hopped back up. "To answer your question, I'm not going to pretend to be anything but honest. I'm miserable here."
He heard Tony take in a deep breath. "I know," he said, sounding genuinely sorry. "I want to bring you guys back to the Tower. Or even out here. We could use you."
"Then call us in," Bucky said, almost- almost -angrily, but he pulled that back under control. Tony didn't deserve his ire; the fights he and Steve had been having and the way Hydra was lurking just below the surface for both of them made Tony's decision to put them in that school the right one, and Bucky knew it.
"Can I?"
Bucky sighed, sitting back in his seat. "No."
"Talk to me."
"Since when did you become a good therapist?"
He could hear the smile in Tony's voice when he answered. "Since Bruce put up with me turning him into one. I realized how good it feels to talk to someone I trusted. So I guess I ask: do you trust me?"
"You know I do," Bucky said without hesitation. "But to answer that question you didn't have to ask, Steve's not getting much better. We have him on a beta-blocker and I'm trying to continually expose him to the lab that night by talking him through it, that's supposed to help with pscyhogenic memory problems, but it's tough going. He doesn't wanna talk about it."
"I don't blame him, but what kind of memory problems is this gonna solve?"
Bucky rubbed his metal finger against the scar behind his ear where the comm chip sat. "It's the same as treating PTSD memories, and I wish I'd had a way to do this earlier in my own recovery. Right now, his brain is remembering the lab as a new event every time he thinks about it. The beta blockers and the exposure therapy is supposed to help his brain refile it as a memory in the past so it's more of a scar and less of a bleeding wound. In theory, this should make helping him deal with what he's missing easier. At this point, the only thing he's having trouble remembering is the more recent stuff. The war's mostly back, as much as it's going to get, all told, but you guys, stuff with me there in DC, it's still a big hole."
"And he's not giving this a chance?" Tony sounded confused. "That doesn't sound like Cap. I would think he'd wanna get better ASAP so things could go back to normal." He paused, but before Bucky could answer, he spoke up again. "How abnormal are things between you two?"
There was that part of the report he didn't want to give. He leaned back in the chair, looking up at the ceiling, trying to keep the tears that threatened every time after a fight from forming or leeching into his voice. The cat jumped back up on the console. Bucky ignored it.
"We're fighting worse. Like I said, he's not really wanting to talk about it, so it's not getting better." He swallowed tightly. "Those damn doctors didn't die painfully enough," he said in a low voice.
"No, they didn't," Tony agreed, sounding like he wanted to reach through the miles and make everything better with the wave of a magic wand. "So he still doesn't remember us?" he asked, hovering somewhere between hope for a good answer, and resignation for a bad.
Bucky sat up. "It's coming back slowly. He still remembers the relationships, the friendships. He can feel how true those are. He just can't remember specifics. Kinda like me way back when."
"So he's still our friend?"
Bucky smiled, a bit sadly. "He's still your friend, Tony. He's still our friend, all of us. We're just getting the happenings that led to these friendships back."
"But he's fighting with you."
Bucky couldn't deny that, hadn't yet, and wasn't going to now, especially not after admitting to it already. "Yeah. Hydra's there, just below the surface. And I can't focus on me until he's easing back from them, because what's affecting him is keeping me from getting anywhere. Maria and Bruce are keeping me sane, and Sharon's keeping Steve distracted when I need a break."
"Is he remembering her better?" Tony asked.
"Better than the others, yeah," Bucky replied. "She spends the most time with him, they play Mario, she's carefully forcing physical contact. He's responding. He's starting to respond to Bruce, too. Maria he's still slow with, but she's more focused on me than him, and that's not helping to put her back in his head."
"But with you, he's a mess," Tony said, then sighed. "So I really am stuck leaving you guys there. I was hoping I could bring you home."
Bucky had to fight back tears again. He wanted back home so badly it ached. "I know," Bucky said. "Believe me, we all want to go back to the Tower. We're all homesick, Tony, that's not helping anything. But with how bad things are between him and I right now, it wouldn't be a good idea. We need the time far away from Hydra to fix this, so Israel is a bad idea, and I'm not sure the Tower would be good either, although I won't deny that some of the medical equipment would be appreciated."
"I can send stuff, if there's room."
Bucky tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling. "There really isn't room, and I dunno how we'd get anything from there to here to begin with. Not without compromising our safety here."
Tony made a frustrated noise. "Yeah, you're right." He sighed. "But all my friends are fine there, right? I don't need to come back for anything?"
"No," Bucky said. "We're all right, we're just homesick and we miss you guys. But we'll be okay. It'll just take awhile longer, that's all." More tears that he had to wipe out of his eyes before they finished forming. He wanted to go home so badly.
Tony didn't answer right away. "Have Junior contact me the second you think it's safe to go back to the Tower. We'll try to give you some more recovery time there, and then deploy you guys out here. Hopefully, though, this will be over before you have to come out here."
"How bad is it?" Bucky asked, almost afraid to.
"It's a mess," was his answer, and Bucky knew he'd elaborate, or Bucky'd be reaching across the miles to throttle him.
Tony did not disappoint. "Right now, Thor's acting as 'visiting dignitary' in Iran. He basically is strong arming them into accepting a truce with Israel while the UN works on finding Hydra in Israel's government and flushing them out. I'm pretending that Thor appointed me to play weapons inspector. I'm supposed to be making sure they don't illegally have Stark Industries stuff, but I'm looking for more than just that. Natasha's raising hell in their computer systems that handle R&D. Not that she gets the information on where to work from me."
"No, not at all," Bucky said, rolling his eyes. "What's going on in Israel?"
"Pepper's representing us in Israel," Tony said.
"You have Pepper out there?" That surprised the shit out of Bucky. "Is that safe for her?"
"Remember how I said she won't burn?" Tony said.
"I remember. Lemme guess, the positive effects remain?"
Tony sounded almost smug. "They can't hurt her, and the edge it gave her in her brain on how to royally kick ass is still there. They can't touch her, and the second they try, she'll fry them like a chicken from Kentucky."
"I hope she's smarter than to not at least give a one strike warning," Bucky said.
"You doubt that?" Tony said. "My lady's the smartest out there, no offense to Maria or Sharon. I know I'm biased, but Sharon and Maria lack Pepper's charisma. They're wonderful ladies, good at what they do, but Pepper's area is leading diplomatic relations. Running a business. That's really all government is sometimes, is business. She's the perfect person for the job she's in."
"Well, as long as she's safe. Next time you talk to her, tell her we all say hi."
"I will."
"So what is she doing there? Besides representing us?"
"She's said we're not going to interfere with Israel and Iran, we're a neutral party, they can do what they want."
"While Thor enforces a truce in Iran."
Tony probably was sporting a big smirk at that. "Oh, Pepper's doing the same. She's put her foot down that no weapons go in or out until Hydra's tracked down. After that, we're backing out. She's just making it clear that we're there to hunt Hydra, and neither side is going to schmooze us into supporting them."
"What about Rhodey and Clint?"
"Rhodey's doing about what I'm doing here in Iran, inspecting weapons and military facilities, making sure everyone's nose stays clean. Clint is basically doing the same thing as Natasha. They're both good at that. He's disabling Israel's nuclear system before our wonderful Prime Minister Bar-Lev decides that Iran put Hydra in Israel and sends out nukes at Iran."
"Why would she think that?" Bucky asked.
"Probably because it's true," Tony said. "Or possibly true. We don't know yet. But Israel doesn't really wait to be attacked before they start firing missiles. They have the Begin Doctrine."
That sounded familiar to Bucky. He frowned. "Isn't that that preemptive self-defense bullshit they adopted way back?"
"And still have," Tony said.
"And Sam?"
"Not out here yet. One of my engineers down in New Mexico had some brilliant ideas based on the uniforms of the other Avengers to improve his wings. We're waiting on some material and something that complicated takes a bit of work. Wouldn't if it were me on an Iron Man suit, not anymore, but I can put those together in my sleep. The first one took a lot more work and a lot more time to get right. He's probably bitching about bad test runs, but he's going to the Tower after his wings are done, and then he'll be brought out here. I'm hoping I can get the lot of you in one shot."
Bucky chewed the skin on the inside of his lip. "I dunno how likely that is to happen, Tony, but we'll try."
"It'll happen."
There was a long pause on both ends, both reluctant to end the conversation, but both knowing it had to be. Everything to report on both sides had been reported, and there really wasn't time to spare nor chance on a longer call.
Bucky spoke up first. "I'll get us out there as soon as I can," he promised.
"I know you will," Tony said. "And we'll be waiting. Just have Junior and JARVIS hook up, get a message to me to let me know where you're going. I'll have JARVIS coordinate getting everyone back to the Tower, with or without Sam. Then give me another status report on your respective brain places. If the move didn't shake anything bad loose, we'll get you out here. We don't need the Hulk, but Bruce himself would be nice. Doctor Hope's good, but he's no Bruce. And the girls are good fighters, we could use them, too. Maybe put Sharon on bodyguard duty again with Pepper. I know she wouldn't like being separated from you guys after so long stuck together, but it'd be strategically better. And it minimizes how many people Steve likes and remembers are on the front lines and in direct danger."
"She does good as a bodyguard," Bucky agreed. "But remember, she can calm the Hulk down enough for Bruce to take back over, so you may want her to be Bruce's bodyguard. Maria could cover Pepper."
"She any good at being a bodyguard?"
"She's good at basically everything she does," Bucky said, feeling his own sense of pride. "She'd handle the job."
"I'll consider it," Tony said, then the atmosphere turned somber again. "But that's not for now, we'll work on that once you guys are out here."
Bucky didn't reply right away. "You have to get back to work, don't you?"
Tony didn't sound like he liked his own answer. "Yeah, I do. I just wanted to know how long before I get my friends back."
"We're still your friends," Bucky told him. "Even Steve's. We just can't come home yet, that's all. We'll be there. Keep the lights on for us."
"Will do. I'll keep checking in, just to make sure you guys don't need anything else out there to make the living conditions as comfortable as possible."
Bucky glanced around at the other computers. "If the rest of the Avengers were here, it'd be perfect," he said. "It's comfortable. The training building is phenomenal. The cafeteria's big and already set up, we wouldn't have to hijack the ball room and set stuff up. The lounge is big enough and already furnished, we don't have to go all the way up to a penthouse or drag in comfortable furniture to the ballroom with the tables. The kitchen's not as big, but it's big enough."
"I'll keep that in mind if we have to hide after this mess," Tony said. "We might join you before you join us."
"Expecting trouble?"
"Maybe," Tony said. "It depends on how well liked we are after this is over. We might all have to duck down. Thor can join his girlfriend and the others in that Vana place, but the rest of us would be going to you."
That made Bucky smile a little. "Well, we'll see who goes where first. But we'll meet up."
"Good. I hate to cut this call short, but I have to go," Tony said. "Natasha just informed Thor of another weapons location I have to go 'inspect' for her. I just wanted to check in."
Bucky could hear almost how lonely Tony was for them. "Your friends appreciate it," he said, deliberately wording it that way to remind Tony that he wasn't forgotten.
"Good, you'd better." There, Tony's usual snark. He sounded like Bucky's words had made him happy. "With that, goodbye."
Junior let Bucky know that the connection was lost. Bucky sat back in the computer chair, staring up at the ceiling again and swiveling the chair a few inches right, a few inches back left. Talks with Tony when serious things like this came up always left him feeling a bit shaky, like a ball in his stomach.
And he hadn't even mentioned the so-called paranormal phenomenon that had yet to pose a big threat. That might've gotten them home to the Tower- and he wasn't lying about how badly they all wanted to go back -but hearing that Tony might bring the other Avengers to the school made him all the more intent on stopping the problem so everyone was safe. That's what he did, he made things safe.
He decided he needed an Ativan and headed out of the watch tower.