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FRONT PAGE
Undesirables Missing from School
Rita Skeeter

As if the break-out from Azkaban wasn't bad enough, Undesirables 1, 2, 3 - That is, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, respectively - have been missing from Hogwarts for only Merlin knows how long. It has been brought to my attention after a post emerged from the journals announcing that due to Hermione Granger's absence, the lovely Miss Pansy Parkinson of Slytherin was to be appointed to the Head Girl position. After a little bit of prying from yours truly, I learned that not only had Hermione Granger gone missing, but also Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.

With their whereabouts unknown, this roving reporter took to the streets to get some answers. One woman in Hogsmeade was all ready packing her things and getting ready to leave on holiday. With panic in her eyes, and her forehead wrought with worry, I was able to speak with Mrs Marie Rutherford before she left, "It's unsettling, that's what it is." Her voice shaky with nerves and her hands wringing around a kerchief, "To think, I moved to Hogsmeade to be safe, but now I learn that three, not one, not two but THREE of the Ministry's top Undesirables are running rampant. I -- I can't stand to stay here. I don't know who I might run into next! Harry Potter needs to be placed in Azkaban, he does. All three of them do, they are terrorizing the streets and sending us all into a panic. My neighbor, the other night swore she saw dementors in her backyard! Dementors. To think! That boy is a menace."

Mrs Rutherford refused to disclose the location of her holiday destination for fear she might become Harry Potter's next victim. Many other people are following suit, and the wanted posters through the Wizarding World do not lie. Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley are wanted criminals and should be presumed armed and dangerous. It is with grave seriousness, my dear readers, that I must warn you; if you see Undesirables 1 through 3 anywhere in your neighborhood, it would behoove you to seek safety and contact the proper authorities. They are not to be approached under any circumstances, and you should not take it upon yourselves to detain them. Anyone caught harboring fugitives will be persecuted accordingly. Do not underestimate these three Undesirables, they have orchestrated one of the biggest outbreaks in Azkaban history, releasing numerous criminals into the public and also managing to control the dementors as well.

With that being said, I would like to end on a good note. A congratulation is being extended to Miss Pansy Parkinson in her promotion to Head Girl at Hogwarts. Let's hope this is the change that Hogwarts needs to start moving in the right direction. Congratulations!

Who Rita Skeeter & Philomena Laurenstine
What Philomena decided to talk to Rita about the troubling goings on within her home, because she doesn't know where else to turn.
When Sunday, afternoon tea
Where Tea shop; Diagon alley
Status Closed/Incomplete
Rating PG, for discussions of domestic abuse

These versions of violence
Sometimes subtle sometimes clear
And the ones that go unnoticed
Still leave their mark once ( disappeared )

FRONT PAGE
Witch Doctor Finds Love in London
B. Skeeter

Is that wedding bells we hear of our dear Witch Doctor friend, Tagoga? Well, my dear readers, I have pulled up some juicy little news about our dear ambassador from Papua New Guinea. Khakhua Tagoga Yauwii Dobunaba seems to have taken a keen liking to a certain assistant to the assistant to the Minister of Magic. Yes, one of our very own Ministry workers has stolen the heart of our dear old Witch Doctor. From what I can gather, it's bound to be a rather fascinating marriage. A very reliable source told me about a bride price that was delivered to Mr. Weasley in the form of an office filled with golden-edge clams, which left quite the mess and stink within the part of the Ministry offices.

It's not just the clams that hint at a budding romance, but what yours truly witnessed Friday evening at La Bella Luna - a rather posh restaurant in London. Miss Edgecombe and Khakhua Tagoga Yauwii Dobunaba were seen enjoying a lovely meal within the restaurant, until a young server could not meet the demands of the Witch Doctor. According to Lydia Nettleworth, the feathered Witch Doctor followed her into kitchen "screaming something in his barbaric language, and at one point waved around a knife he found on the counter and pointed to a ham. I thought he was going to kill me right then and there." Her large doe-like eyes, glassy with fear and tears threatening to spill as she relives that night over and over. "I didn't know what to do, so I just started crying. Eventually he left, but not after pointing to the pig a few more times and leaving the knife in my face."

I can only imagine exactly what he wanted.

As for what he might see in Miss Edgecombe? I think that much would be obvious. After doing some research about these Witch Doctors from Papua New Guinea, I've learned that within their culture scarification is a rather important part of their body art, and Tagoga certainly seems keen on his body art - if you couldn't tell from him rather horrifying appearance. If some of you are not familiar with Miss Edgecombe's appearance, it is true, this young woman has one defining feature that masks what beauty she might possess. An almost constellation of scars riddle her complexion drawing a mask of what would be a beautiful face. From what I could gather, Miss Edgecombe must have endured something horrific to have earned scars such as hers. Unfortunately, through my sleuthing, I was unable to find information about what sort of accident could cause such scarring. Even my friends at St. Mungo's seem baffled by her prominent scars.

According to one expert on the topic of scarification, he states, "Scars communicate elements of the cultural system and religious beliefs of the community. Scarification may also exhibit the enduring emotional states of the wearer, such as sorrow or well-being. I am not surprised Tagoga has chosen a young woman with scars as his bride. He seems very enriched in his culture."

As enriched as that may be, I certainly hope Miss Edgecombe will some sort of ceremony for friends and family to attend and give her a proper send off before returning to Papua New Guinea with her new groom.


PAGE FOUR
Quidditch Player Profile - Bridie Mullet
Barnaby Snell

Much has been said about Bridie Mullet off the pitch, but it's important to remember why she belongs in the spotlight. She's part of the dynamic trio of chasers that captured the World Cup for Ireland. She's been the cornerstone of the Kenmare Kestrels' attack for the past few years. She's one of the most exciting players to watch in the League, and one of the toughest competitors. In this interview, Ms. Mullet's love of the game shone through; her fans can look forward to more of the same passionate play that has made her a star.

What drove you to play Quidditch professionally?

I felt at home on the quidditch pitch. I kind of believed it was the only thing I was good at when I left Hogwarts. Wanting to be something really pushed me for it.

What's the hardest part of being a pro Quidditch player?

The schedule. Sometimes I am just too tired or sore to go work out, or hit a practice session.

What is the best part of it?

Being able to play quidditch for money. I am doing something I love. Not to mention having some of the best teammates ever.

Being a Quidditch star and being so closely associated to the Weird Sisters brings you more than the usual bit of attention. How do you deal with paparazzi and rumour writers?

I will admit I do not deal with it well. I rise up to the bad things said about me, or my friends and family. I have them all telling me not to notice it or ignore it, and I know I should. It is a work in progress I suppose.

What is your training regimen like?

Pretty strict. As much of a party animal as I am made out to be, I am pretty focused on my training. I work out almost every day, whether it be running or personal drills on my broom.

What do you think of your team's chances for the coming season?

Of course I think the team has a great chance this coming season.

Which match(es) are you most looking forward to?

I will admit I am very interested playing against Krum again, so I suppose you could say the Falcons. Of course looking forward to playing against the Pride.

Who is your favourite player, not counting yourself?

Gwenog Jones.

Who is your biggest rival on the pitch?

Wilda Griffiths if I had to choose. She is a brilliant chaser.

The World Cup is coming up next year--Are you looking forward to it?

Of course. I am hoping to represent the Irish Team again.

Now that you've won a World Cup, how much would it mean for you to bring the League Cup to Kenmare?

It would mean a great deal to win the league cup. I would feel so proud of our team. I think it is a big deal having won the World Cup or not. I suppose it just goes to prove that we can do it though.

If you could give one piece of advice to an aspiring pro Quidditch player, what would it be?

Never give up. Keep pushing for it and believing in yourself. Not everyone makes first string within their first few years, and being a reserve is one of the best learning experience. Never give up hope and just keep trying if it is really what you want to do.

Who: Marietta Edgecombe, NPC Tagoga Yauwii Dobunaba, and open to restaurant patrons! TAG YOUR CHARACTERS IN! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!
What: Marietta and Tagoga go to a fancy restaurant. Marietta realizes that she's Tagoga's "wife."
Where: Some fancy Wizarding restaurant in London, The Bella Luna
When: Friday evening, September 30
Rating: PG-13?
Status: Complete Narrative, but open to reactions of those who witnessed this scene!

( Tagoga wanted to witness the glorious moment when Marietta snapped, or better yet, came undone. )

Who: OPEN to any who can and want to attend!
When: Wednesday, September 21, all day
Where: Hogsmeade
What: Annual Hogsmeade Autumnal Equinox Celebration
Rating: Low
Open/Closed: OPEN

( What more could anybody ask for in an Autumnal Celebration? )

( Owl deliveries to Percy Weasley, Demetrius Avery, Bridie Mullet, Myron Wagtail & Hermione Granger. )

FRONT PAGE
Book Makes Wizarding Bestselling List
Rita Skeeter

As bookstores throughout the world close their doors for the events, one thing is evident, Rita Skeeter's book, The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore, which debuted this morning to record breaking lines and waiting lists, has surpassed sales in some of the most popular novels written in the Wizarding World. It has undoubtedly been viewed as one of the most controversial of titles ever written by Miss Skeeter, but so far the feed back has been positive.

"I never knew so much about the Headmaster," Exclaims one woman, who stood in Flourish and Blotts in Diagon Alley, not even bothering to place her book down as a crowd waiting in line attempts to peak over her shoulder to get a sneak-peak at the book. "Merlin! This book makes him seem almost human, instead of the pedestal everyone places him on!" The woman, with her brown eyes alight with a fervor then left the store, her newly autographed copy pressed tightly against her chest.

( Image With Article )

Sale numbers are pouring into the publishing company as this is being written, and the numbers are incredible. The publishers are toasting Rita's success at another bestseller. After the success of her Dippet biography, it's no wonder that this book has been well anticipated. When asked if she has plans for another novel, Rita just smiled with that knowing smile that her beautiful face has.

Rita is planning a book signing tour, starting with Flourish and Blotts for Tuesday and Wednesday. For a full listing of her tour, feel free to owl the Daily Prophet. Miss Skeeter has all ready announced that she will be sending lucky readers an autographed copy of her new book. If you are interested, you are welcome to send your owls to Miss Skeeter directly at the Daily Prophet.


CLASSIFIEDS

Bats & Bludgers in Hogsmeade is currently seeking part time help with the potential to move to a full time position. Interested parties should send owl c / o Remus Lupin, Hogsmeade. Serious inquiries only.

WhoRita Skeeter & Philomena Selwyn
WhatAn Interview
WhenSunday Afternoon
WhereLaurenstine Manor
StatusClosed/Incomplete
RatingMedium, for sensitive themes

( A woman's work is never done )

( An Owl to Percy Weasley. )

FRONT PAGE
Cannibal to Visit St. Mungo's
Rita Skeeter

Native healer, Khakhua Tagoga Yauwii Dobunaba, from Papua New Guinea, is slated to visit St. Mungo's Hospital this Monday. What his true intentions for this visit are unknown, but there has been much bravado about his impending visit. After speaking with numerous employees about this expected visitor, it has come to my attention that his presence might not be for St. Mungo's best intentions. A few nurses are making sure to stay close to the nursery ward just in case his cannibalistic tendencies are set on the newborns within the hospital.

One nurse in particular, Mildred Dehctar, who has been working at St. Mungo's for over twenty years, spoke exclusively with me about her apprehension and fears of this healer visiting St. Mungo's. With her large green eyes glossy with fear and tears threatening to spill over flush pink cheeks, Mildred put on a brave face and gave me information to share with you lovely readers.

"We're all worried about this healer coming to St. Mungo's. Unfortunately, because he is a guest of the Minister, there isn't much us nurses can say against it." Mildred admits, her hands wringing around a kerchief nervously, "The nurses, well, we're all ready for the worse. We have around the clock watch on the nursery wards, and we're hoping that we can get some hitwizards to patrol with us. We just want to be safe, you never know what these types of people can do. I tell you, the Minister must be mad for inviting a known head hunter to the hospital. I mean, have you heard the stories?! He chops off the heads of people and wears them around his neck like it's some sort of TROPHY! Why would the Ministry invite someone like THAT to our quiet hospital?!"

After much research about healers from Papua New Guinea, this reporter has found that some of their rituals involve human sacrifice, and after the consumption of newborn babies. How the Minister of Magic can allow such a barbarian into the safe walls of St. Mungo's is beyond me.

The information I have found about Khakhua Tagoga Yauwii Dobunaba, seems to be under wraps within Ministry, almost like they are attempting to hide such facts. Ask the Ministry why a known head hunter - that is, a person who likes to hunt human beings for fun, lop off their heads and wear them around their neck as a sign of power - can be allowed within St. Mungo's. Unless, of course, this said head hunter is being admitted to the Janice Thickey Ward, but I doubt the Minister Shacklebolt would invite a person to the hospital just to lock them away.

No, of course not. This bizarre barbarian who likes to eat little children and lop of the heads of others is instead invited to St. Mungo's in hopes of teaching the healers there a thing or two about head hunting and human sacrifice. One can only assume what is going to come from this. I recommend all slated births be move to another magical hospital for fear that their newborn child might be eaten by this ruffian!

"All the nurses here are scared. We're bracing for the worse." Adds Mildred.

Stay vigilant, patients of St. Mungo's, and stay wary of a man who looks like this.


PAGE TWO
Cannibal Lecturer Causes Consternation
Erastus Saint

Concerned citizens across Britain railed today at the news of a witch doctor Iecturing at St. Mungo's Hospital in London. The person in question, Khakhua Tagoga Yauwii Dobunaba, is proclaimed to be a visiting Healer and tribal ambassador from Papua New Guinea according to a press statement from Ministry officials, but sources close to the Prophet insist he is a practicer of strange magic and a consumer of human flesh.

''How can this man -- and I hesitate to use that word to describe him -- call himself a doctor if he sees his patients as food?" said Owain Rhys Llewellyn-Llewellyn, head of the Grand College of Healers of Cymru. "What sort of oath did he take? First, do no harm; second, add salt to taste?"

"I would never allow myself to be examined by someone like that," said Aoife McCIannaghan, an apothecary in Armagh. "I'd be too afraid that any potion he might give me was really a marinade of some sort."

Those attending the proceedings when Tagoga Yauwii Dobunaba arrives on Monday should be aware of a potential picketing of the event by concerned Wizards and Witches.


PAGE THREE
Book Pulled From Shelves; Marketing Ploy or Controversy?
Rose Faust

Last May, Naturalist Rolf Scamander (Grandson of former Hogwarts Headmaster, Newton Scamander) released his first book World Wolf. This controversial book deals heavily with the lax international laws surrounding werewolves which are leading to a dangerous increase in their world population and how Scamander, through his findings, thinks such a problem should be dealt with.

Unfortunately, as of yesterday, the books are no longer to be sold and all English copies have been pulled off shelves. The author allegedly claims that some of his findings were 'misinterpreted' when his book was translated into English from it's original German release.

"The book was released prematurely," claims Arnold Moths, Scamander's barrister, "Mr. Scamander was never given the chance to properly examine his work for the mistakes that, with the re-release of his book, he hopes to correct."

Whether this is true, or some ploy to boost sales when the books are re-released (tentatively in December) only time will tell. Scamander's representatives have been very vague about what was so wrong about the books, so we here at the Prophet can only speculate.


PAGE SIX
Cannons Make Unknown Their First Summer Signing
Evan Lightner

Chudley Cannons fans have been hoping for a big-name signing this off-season. Chudley finally made a move a few days ago, signing a player whose surname is a somewhat sizeable eight letters long.

The Cannons have signed Cormac McLaggen on trial as their reserve team Keeper. McLaggen joins the Cannons after a brief career at Hogwarts as a reservist on last year's Cup-winning Gryffindor squad.

"If he's half as good as he says he is, he'll be starting before long," Cannons manager Ragmar Dorkins said in a news conference yesterday. "He gave a good account for himself in trials, so we'll let him have a fair crack at playing."

( Owl to Rita Skeeter )

( Owl to Rita Skeeter )