Celandine's Chronicle (celandineb) wrote in cels_fic_haven, @ 2010-11-22 09:31:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | star trek fic hotm, star trek fic kirk/mccoy |
ST fic: Heart of the Matter [Kirk/McCoy, adult]
Title: Heart of the Matter
Author: celandineb
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: adult
Length: 4232 words
Warnings: angst, infidelity references
Summary: Kirk and McCoy finally get a chance to talk out what's been going on.
Note: Twenty-sixth, and last, in the Heart of the Matter series. Thanks once again to aome for suggesting the title, and thanks to everyone who's come along on this ride with me. The very first part is here; there are links at the bottom of each to the previous and following parts.
If success and honor were what Kirk had wanted, he had them now in fullest measure.
The Academy Board had withdrawn the accusation of cheating, to Kirk's relief. He hadn't really thought that the assembly had been called to commend him, as he had intimated to McCoy, but neither had he expected to stand accused. He genuinely felt that his strategy regarding the Kobayashi Maru test demonstrated ingenuity and leadership: if the rules won't let you win, you find a way around them.
Now not only was he no longer under the threat of suspension or expulsion, he'd been promoted. Seriously promoted. To jump from cadet to captain was unheard of. Maybe on a temporary basis, out of necessity, but not as a permanent thing. When he stood before Pike to relieve him as captain of the Enterprise, Kirk didn't know whether he would explode with pride or drown in sympathy for Pike having to give it up.
Then there were the congratulations and honors from various world governments, with President Ranganathan arranging a one-on-one conference. It was recorded, affording Kirk pleasure at the thought that his mother would be able to see it sooner or later.
The cloud in the sky of his triumph was McCoy. Kirk had promised that two of them would talk when they got back to Earth, and he'd meant it, but with everything else going on, it was days and days before Kirk could find time to redeem that promise. Kirk was being fêted until late every night, traveling around the globe. Although McCoy was present for much of it, the Starfleet events anyhow, there was no opportunity to talk alone for the length of time that McCoy seemed to feel necessary.
Kirk checked on the status of the repairs to the Enterprise. Scotty's latest report said it would be four more weeks until she was in shape, but Kirk had already realized that the engineer was always pessimistic in his estimates. Whether that was to make himself look good when he beat them or just to allow for the possibility of additional problems, Kirk wasn't sure. He planned to push Scotty to make it three weeks, either way.
There was not much more he could do at the moment, just start going through personnel files and requesting any assignment changes he might want. None of that was urgent, which meant that tonight he and McCoy could talk at last.
If McCoy wasn't busy, that was. He'd managed to patch up Pike for the ceremony, but Kirk knew that McCoy wasn't satisfied with that. He'd been digging around in the medical databases, looking for potential treatments to repair the nerve damage more fully, and perhaps enable Pike to walk again.
Kirk tapped in McCoy's number. He could at least leave a message.
Somewhat to his surprise, McCoy answered.
"McCoy here."
"Bones, it's Jim. I haven't forgotten that I said we'd talk, and I'm free tonight if you are. Want to go out to Ocean Beach after dinner?"
"All right." McCoy's voice was gruff. "Let's not have dinner at the Academy cafeteria, though. There will probably be people who recognize you anywhere you go now, thanks to those news broadcasts, but..."
"You can't stand to see me being hero-worshiped by the other cadets?" Kirk joked. "It's pretty awful, I agree. Sure, we can find someplace off campus. I'll meet you in front of the library at six o'clock."
McCoy said he'd be there, and hung up.
Kirk set his own phone down slowly. He thought about all that had happened in the past few weeks, the way that McCoy had first come up with a plan to get Kirk on board the Enterprise when he wasn't authorized to, but then had failed to back him up more than once afterward. Kirk didn't understand what was going on in McCoy's head to make him act the way he had, but he hoped tonight's conversation would let him find that out.
They ate spaghetti and meatballs and garlic bread at a little Italian place in the Castro district, sharing a bottle of Chianti between them. The wine was not nearly enough to make Kirk drunk, just enough to put him in a happy mood. He sang under his breath afterward as they waited for a bus.
"You're off key," McCoy said.
Kirk grinned at him and took his hand, determined not to lose this good mood. "Who cares?"
McCoy shrugged and didn't answer.
Kirk rolled his eyes. Luckily the bus they wanted pulled up just then. Once they were aboard, he said, "One thing I'll miss being out in space: the ocean."
"The waves are soothing," McCoy agreed.
"If I'd been born, oh, three hundred years ago, I'd have wanted to go to sea," said Kirk. "Explore the unexplored. There were still places where they might yet discover new lands, then. Well, maybe a bit longer ago than that. I think I'd have liked that sort of roaming life."
"What's the old saying about sailors? A woman in every port?" said McCoy.
"Yeah, I've heard that," said Kirk, beginning to guess what had been bothering McCoy.
The bus rumbled up to their stop, and they got off, walking into the park and down to their usual spot near the ruins of the Sutro Bath House. It was windy, and Kirk could taste the salt in the air. McCoy stood silent, his arms wrapped around himself. Kirk found a handy rock and sat down.
"All right, you wanted to talk, so let's talk. There's no one else around and we have all the time we need."
Still facing away from Kirk, McCoy said in a muffled voice, "The night before the last time you took the Kobayashi Maru test. What happened?"
Kirk blinked. "I studied for the test, and then there was a Xenolinguistics club meeting."
"And then?"
Shit. That made it certain what was bothering McCoy. How had he heard about what happened? But the real question was, how could Kirk explain what had happened, and that it hadn't really meant anything, without sounding like he was making excuses?
"When the meeting was over, Gaila invited me over. I was nervous about the test and I needed something to distract me, so I accepted." Kirk stood up and stepped around McCoy, forcing the other man to look at him. "Bones, I swear that's all it was. Nothing much happened; some kissing, a little groping, yeah, but that was it before Uhura showed up and threw me out. If I didn't say anything about it, it was because there was an awful lot else going on just then; first the Kobayashi Maru, then that stupid assembly, then the Romulan attack. That's all. I wasn't deliberately trying to keep secrets from you."
"Okay... but what if Uhura hadn't turned up and thrown you out? Would you have had sex with Gaila?"
"I..." Kirk swallowed. "I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. I was enjoying what we were doing, I admit that. But in the end it didn't happen, for whatever reasons." Curiosity got the better of him then. "How did you find out, anyway?"
"Uhura." McCoy bit out the name. "I thought... from the way you'd been talking about us, about getting the computer to treat us like a married couple for assignment purposes, I thought that meant more than it did."
"It means a lot." Kirk forced himself to stay calm. "Look, okay, I'm sorry. I really am. I made a mistake in going back to Gaila's room without thinking about how you'd feel. However uncomfortable it made me to have you pushing me towards a commitment I'm not sure I'm ready to make," he saw McCoy's lips part as if to say something, and hurried on, "maybe you didn't see it as pushing but that's how it felt to me. Anyhow, even if I was annoyed with you about that, I shouldn't have dealt with it by seeing if I could still be interested in a woman." He tried a small smile. "Besides, being turned on by an Orion woman isn't exactly a good test for heterosexual status, I don't think."
McCoy looked as though he almost were going to smile back. "Not really," he agreed.
For all his momentary softening, McCoy's shoulder was stiff and unyielding when Kirk touched him.
"Look," said Kirk, "I understand why you're mad at me. I do. But can we talk this out? You know I've asked for you to be continued as chief medical officer on the Enterprise. If you're not going to be comfortable with that, though, if you want a different assignment..." He shrugged, acting as casually as he could manage, trying to fight off the fear that McCoy might do exactly that.
McCoy sighed. "I don't know, Jim. A ship is such a small world; no matter how discreet we might be, if we're a couple, everyone will know it, and if you were to have sex with anyone else – no matter how meaningless it might be to you – everyone would know. I'm not sure I could handle that. You understand what I'm saying?"
Kirk did. McCoy was asking for, if not actual marriage, at the very least a promise of exclusivity. He wasn't honestly sure if he was ready for that."Come here." He sat down again.
With evident reluctance McCoy sat beside him. The warmth of McCoy's leg next to his own was reassuring, even though Kirk couldn't at the moment manage to look at his face.
"I'm gonna tell you the truth, Bones. Hear me out before you say anything."
He felt rather than saw McCoy's nod.
"I love you. I have to say that first off, because it's important that you know I mean that. I love you as a lover, but I love you as a friend even more, and if we can't figure out a way to make this work between us romantically, I'll do whatever it takes to keep that friendship alive. The thing is, I spent a lot of years hopping from one bed to another. I'm not trying to say that was a good thing; what I'm saying is that it's not an easy habit to break. Even though I can understand how it makes you feel, and even though I don't want to be the one making you feel that way, it just isn't always easy to remember to stop and think about what I'm doing. So much as I'd like to, I can't promise that I'll never fuck up in the future, that I'll never do anything to hurt you or make you jealous. I just can't make that promise, because I might not keep it. I can promise to try my best not to mess around with anyone else, in any way. I do promise that I'll try my best. But that's all I can do."
Kirk let out his breath and waited.
Finally McCoy said, "Is that all?"
"Yeah. I can't promise not to flirt; that's practically automatic. I don't think I could change it if I tried."
"Probably not," McCoy agreed. "Besides, you wouldn't be Jim Kirk if you did, or not the Jim that I love."
It was a greater relief than Kirk had expected to hear McCoy say that he loved Kirk. "Okay, so..."
"I'm thinking about it." McCoy was quiet for a while, but his body was less rigid now, which Kirk took to be a good sign.
"Starfleet does have regulations about fraternizing, doesn't it?" McCoy finally said.
"Yeah. Basically if you're an officer, you're not supposed to be involved with any of the enlisted personnel, or with anyone in your direct line of command. So you and I are okay, because medical officers aren't in the chain of command."
"Right." McCoy nodded. "That makes sense. If you're captain, the medical staff would be almost your only choice, then, if you were looking for a romantic partner. All the officers would normally be in the chain of command, your subordinates."
"I suppose so. I never thought about it quite like that," said Kirk.
"You've never been one to pay that much attention to regulations," McCoy pointed out. "Okay. Can you promise me, at least, that while we're on the ship, you'll obey regulations and not do more than flirt with any ship personnel: officers, enlisted, and my medical staff, too?"
"On the ship?"
"Yeah. If you're off the ship... well, I'd obviously rather you didn't do anything then, either, at least not without my knowledge." McCoy paused. "I can't believe I just said that. It sounds like I might give you permission to screw around on me. Well, maybe I would, if I had no choice."
"What if, I don't know, there were some diplomatic business that required me to get physical? Seriously, it's possible. There are plenty of cultures that treat sex far more casually than Earth humans tend to," said Kirk.
"If it's in the line of duty, I can hardly tell you not to, can I?" McCoy's voice was wry. "Yeah, I guess that would have to be an exception as well. I can't interfere with your career. Just don't go looking for those situations."
"Fair enough," agreed Kirk.
He guessed he could live with McCoy's conditions,. McCoy's thigh was still pressed to his, warm, and no longer stiff with tension. Kirk had a momentary vision of that same muscular thigh naked. He laid his hand on McCoy's knee and drew it upward. McCoy chuckled.
"Jim, you horndog."
"Hardly," Kirk protested. "It's been well over two weeks. Not since the day I took the Kobayashi Maru test for the last time, if you remember."
"What, you want to do it right here? Because my roommate is in our room, and I think yours is too, isn't he?"
"Why not? It's a warm night, and we could find a spot that's a little more out of the way and private than this," Kirk said.
"I suppose we could, but I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Not out in the open for anyone to see. You didn't arrange for a tent this time."
"Well, what do you want to do, then?"
McCoy bit his lip. "We could get a hotel room?"
Kirk thought that sounded like an excellent suggestion. He didn't have any appointments until 0900 hours the next morning, and McCoy's official shift wasn't until noon. His research to help Pike was even more flexible.
They walked briskly back to the edge of the park and caught a bus downtown, having agreed to splurge on a really nice place. The clerk didn't bat an eye at the fact that they had no luggage with them, and although he plainly recognized Kirk from all the news coverage Kirk had received, he made no intrusive small talk, simply handing them the key and wishing them a pleasant stay.
"Shit," said Kirk as the room door closed behind them. "I just realized. No lubricant, unless you count that little bottle of complimentary hand lotion."
"I don't," said McCoy firmly. "It might be all right for jacking off, but I don't want it up my ass, thank you very much. I'll go downstairs and see if the lobby shop is still open, or maybe there's a drugstore nearby. Better me than you; too many people would recognize you."
Kirk was already naked when McCoy came back, saying that he had had to go out of the hotel and find a drugstore, but that he had what they needed.
"Excellent," said Kirk. He rubbed a hand over his chin. "They might not have complimentary lube in the bathroom, but I did see a razor, and I think I could use a shave."
McCoy felt his own chin. "Yeah, me too."
They ended up shaving each other, with a certain amount of teasing and horseplay. Kirk liked the way that McCoy's face became intent with concentration as he worked with the razor; he supposed it was probably an expression similar to that McCoy had when he performed surgery, and thought to himself that if McCoy's patients were ever conscious, they must be reassured by it.
The shaving process turned naturally to kissing as they finished. McCoy's arms wrapped around Kirk, holding him close, as Kirk kissed him hungrily. He had missed this. Their estrangement had been brief in terms of actual days, but it had felt longer than it was. Kirk breathed in the clean smell of McCoy's skin and realized he was wearing a goofy smile. McCoy grinned back.
"What's so funny ?"
"Nothing," Kirk said. "I'm just glad to be here with you."
He steered them out of the bathroom, McCoy stumbling once as he was the one walking backward, and over to the enormous bed. Kirk was already hard, ready for anything, but he decided to let McCoy choose what they would do this time.
"I want you inside me, but me on top," McCoy said with only a faint flush. "I don't think you're probably limber enough to suck me off at the same time –"
"No," Kirk interrupted. "A contortionist I'm not."
"Fair enough, I couldn't do it either, so maybe you could suck me off afterward. That okay?"
"Very okay," said Kirk. He fondled McCoy's dick, a wordless promise that he wouldn't forget it. "Want me to lube you up?"
"I'll do it. You watch." McCoy flushed again and explained, "I didn't want to be seen by strangers in the park, but I like it when you watch me."
"I'm happy to do that," said Kirk, and stretched out into a comfortable position on the bed.
McCoy turned so that Kirk would have a better view of his ass. Spreading lube on his fingers, he slipped just his forefinger in to begin with, up to the first knuckle, moving it in tiny circles to coax the tight sphincter to relax.
Kirk watched, touching his own dick idly in a comforting sort of way, as McCoy worked himself open, adding more lube when he reached three fingers. The position was obviously awkward for McCoy, but that just made it more endearingly sexy in Kirk's view. By the time McCoy was ready, Kirk was so hot and bothered that he had to ask McCoy to wait a minute while he got control of himself. When he had, he leaned back against the pillows. McCoy straddled him, and Kirk guided his dick into McCoy's slick passage, groaning as McCoy sank down and fully embraced him.
His heart clenched painfully at the sight of McCoy kneeling there, looking at him with a funny smile on his face, as though he couldn't quite believe that this was real. "Bones," he whispered, pressing a kiss against his fingers and brushing them over the tip of McCoy's dick.
"I love you, Jim," McCoy replied, his eyes shining. He began to move. His legs flexed as they lifted him up a couple of inches, and his balls and dick bobbed and swayed with the movement. Fuck, but he was a gorgeous sight. At that moment Kirk wanted nothing more than to stay there forever, making love, though realistically he knew that he would get bored pretty quickly, even of sex with Bones.
"God." McCoy's eyes were half closed. "You feel so good."
Kirk thought about joking that McCoy didn't need to call him "God," thought better of it, then thought better of that and said it. McCoy snorted.
"Jim Kirk, the only man in the galaxy with an ego so big that at any moment, it's gonna collapse in on itself to create its own black hole."
"You know it," Kirk said smugly. "Of course, that's why I like having you around, to keep me in touch with reality. Among other things."
"Like what other things?"
"Like – uh – like what you're doing right now."
Kirk didn't know quite what exactly McCoy was doing, only that it felt fantastic. "I think you should know that I'm gonna come awfully fast if you keep that up," he warned.
"Okay." McCoy lessened his motions, and Kirk could breathe more or less normally again. "Better?"
"Yeah."
McCoy kept up the slower rocking for a while, his eyes fixed on Kirk's face. "So you think the two of us can make it out there together?" he finally asked.
Kirk knew better than to give a joking response this time. Sex, yes; their relationship, not so much. "I hope so," he said honestly. "It won't be easy for either of us."
"No, it won't. Worth trying though."
"Absolutely worth trying." Kirk took a breath. "You know I don't have much experience at this kind of thing. Not that you're a man, but the whole serious relationship bit. Whereas you, well..."
"I had Jocelyn," McCoy finished. "Which is hardly an advertisement for my qualifications in that area. She's a bitch, but I did choose to marry her, way back when, and I wasn't always the best husband, either."
"Someday, maybe, you'll get to try again." Kirk said that in a rush, before he could think better of it. "The idea kind of scares me, I admit, but maybe someday."
McCoy had stopped moving as they spoke, but now he started again, faster than before. "I know you wouldn't say that unless you meant it."
Kirk shook his head. "I mean it." He did, although it terrified him, too, and he was glad that McCoy's ass was tight and hot and slick around him, because he really needed the distraction of pleasure just then.
And pleasure he had, because McCoy leaned forward and kissed him and pinched his nipples.
"God, Bones – so fucking good," Kirk choked out. Sweat broke out on his forehead as McCoy twisted each nipple further. "Don't – don't," he begged.
McCoy relaxed his grip. "Don't what?"
"Don't stop," said Kirk. "Whatever you do, don't stop."
"I won't," McCoy promised, and pinched harder again. His ass squeezed Kirk's dick at the same moment.
That did it. Kirk swore he could feel the orgasm rise all the way from his toes before he erupted into McCoy. His eyes squeezed shut as the tremors shook him. McCoy rocked back and forth a few more times, milking out the last of Kirk's come.
"Now you," said Kirk when he could speak again. As soon as McCoy moved off him, Kirk's mouth closed hungrily around his dick. It still surprised him sometimes that he liked doing this so much, as much as he ever enjoyed eating pussy. But he did. He liked the smell and the taste and the hardness under his tongue, and most of all he liked the way that McCoy enjoyed it, the way that he was able to make McCoy feel so much pleasure. He pressed a forefinger into McCoy's still loosened hole, titillating the ring of muscle. McCoy gave a deep groan.
" Jim..."
Kirk eased up, wanting to draw this out, but he was unable to resist temptation for long and soon was licking and sucking with undiminished enthusiasm. McCoy's balls were warm and heavy against his tongue as he took them one at a time into his mouth, lapping and tugging at the loose skin. He nuzzled back up McCoy's shaft, somewhat sorry now that he had shaved since it meant he couldn't use his cheek to rasp the tender skin: not to hurt, just to stimulate. He used his tongue instead.
McCoy groaned his name again. Kirk plunged down on the shaft until he choked, backing off only to try again until he gagged with it, but anything McCoy wanted, he would try to give. Bitter cream filled his mouth unexpectedly. He had to move and swallow, coming back afterward to lick McCoy clean. There, anyhow; Kirk's own semen still oozed from McCoy's ass, but he wasn't going to tongue-clean that.
Kirk wiped his fingers against the sheets and crawled up to spoon against McCoy, the other man's muscular arms pulling him into a warm embrace.
"You gonna do that for me when I'm captaining the Enterprise?" Kirk murmured, yawning.
McCoy chuckled. "Seeing that technically you already are captain, I guess I am, as long as you promise the same in return."
"I will."
Kirk lay there, for the moment at peace with himself. His mind raced back over the three years they had known each other, and especially over the last months, since their friendship had become so much more.
That was the heart of the matter, he finally decided. It wasn't so important that they had great sex, nor that McCoy was another man; what mattered was the friendship, the trust that they had in each other. He realized in a way he hadn't before just how hurt McCoy had been by what had seemed to him Kirk's casual infidelity – to McCoy it was a breach of that trust, not just a meaningless physical release.
He turned his head to tell McCoy that he now understood, but McCoy was asleep, exhaling rasping breaths that were not quite snores.
Kirk grinned to himself and flipped the sheet over them. There would be plenty of time to tell McCoy tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever it seemed best. Barring some unforeseen mishap, they would have the five years of the Enterprise's initial mission, and after that? Even Old Spock didn't know what the future might hold for them.
#25: Can't Break Free From the Things that You Do | THE END