LotR fic: Passages, chapters 39-41 [Haldir/Melpomaen, adult]
Title: Passages Chapter 39, "Market"; chapter 40, "Looking Ahead"; chapter 41, "Divergence and Convergence" Author: celandineb Fandom: LotR Pairing: Haldir/Melpomaen Rating: adult Warnings: PWP, angst, masturbation, exhibitionism, dirty talk Summary: Haldir and Melpomaen find their friendship developing beyond the expected as they travel from the Golden Wood to Dale and back via Mirkwood.
39. Market
They lay together in the coarse linen sheets. For all that Geleb had claimed that the beds were large enough for two Elves, they found that their feet tended to hang off the edge.
"Perhaps this is one of the beds meant for three Dwarves?" suggested Melpomaen, and Haldir laughed.
"You could be right. It's wide enough, just not long enough."
The door was latched; they would not be disturbed. Haldir had drawn the shutters to stand just ajar while Melpomaen had lighted the candle in its squat stand from the lamp in the hallway, before fastening the door. Now they lay face to face, looking into each other's eyes by its dim and flickering light.
Melpomaen shifted, and the bed creaked. He grimaced. "That could be annoying."
"Will anyone hear?" said Haldir, and as if to reinforce his words, a gust of noisy laughter and a snatch of song drifted in through the window from below. "We are at the end of the hall, and below us is the common room. There is only one room next to us, and its occupant is probably down there, drinking and singing."
"Such disregard, Dír, from you? I'm surprised," Melpomaen said.
"There is none here to know us, or care what we do," said Haldir. He reached out and stroked Melpomaen's face, tracing with the tip of his finger from the corner of one eye down along Melpomaen's cheek and jawline, pausing at his chin before moving up to his lips. "Is there?"
Melpomaen ran his tongue along the line where Haldir's fingernail joined skin, then took the first joint of Haldir's finger into his mouth and suckled it briefly. Raising his own hand to take Haldir's, he answered, "No, there is not."
"We thought that Thranduil's caverns might be our last bed for a very long time," said Haldir, "but I am glad that it is not. You were right to suggest we should stay here, Maen." He frowned slightly, and added, "Even if we are prickled by the hay of this mattress."
"It's no worse than the ground. And certainly softer. And most of all, neither of us need keep watch," said Melpomaen.
"A good point." Haldir slipped one hand under Melpomaen's waist, and with the other drew their bodies closer. The bed creaked again, but they ignored it to kiss. It was not a kiss of passion, yet; for all that Haldir had said he found himself distracted by the noises coming through floor and walls. While in Mirkwood many others slept nearby, there they were kept apart by walls of stone, ensuring privacy. "Let me just hold you for a time," said Haldir. "I have missed this since we left the caverns."
Melpomaen curled up so that his head rested against Haldir's shoulder, but his feet no longer dangled over the foot of the bed. He could hear the beat of his lover's heart making an interesting counter-rhythm to his breath, and one part of Melpomaen's mind noted the fact and tucked it away to use some time perhaps when composing a new tune. For now, though, he let himself enjoy the close contact, which he too had felt the lack of in recent days. He hoped that when they were back in Lothlórien, this would be one kind of touch they could continue.
For Haldir, embracing Melpomaen so brought a sense of peace and contentment that he had but rarely found in his life, and he said as much.
"Why is that?" asked Melpomaen, nestling closer.
Haldir stroked Melpomaen's loose hair. "You know, Maen. I knew that I was drawn to other binn from an early age, and that always made me feel set apart."
"I know, you dreamed of me. Before I was born, even before my siblings were born. That is something I do not understand, Dír."
"Nor I." Haldir was silent a moment. "Since I did not know who it was I dreamt of, only that it was another benn, I chose to join the rangers. There, I hoped, I would be safe."
"Safe?" said Melpomaen. "Being a ranger hardly seems like a safe thing for you to have Chosen as a youth."
"Well, at that time there was little trouble on the borders, so it was much less dangerous than it has been lately. Remember this was almost eight hundred years ago."
"I often forget how much older you are than I," Melpomaen admitted.
Haldir touched Melpomaen's lips. "I know, Maen. But as I was saying, I thought I would be safe from my dreams in the woods. Once I had met the other rangers, and knew that the stranger I saw in dreams was not among them, I need not fear, and I would face no questions from my family that I showed no interest in finding a spouse. I've told you of my friend Lalvenna before, have I not?"
"I think so," said Melpomaen.
"When I desperately hoped that I was mistaken about where my desires lay, I tried touching myself and thinking of her, to condition myself to want to be with her, or with any bess. It was a disaster. My mind kept sliding away. . . to you, I know now. That was before I joined the company, of course. Once I had done so, my dreams slowly ended, and my desires no longer troubled me in the same way. I believed I was shaking off the taint that afflicted me – that was how I thought of it. It was not until my cousin Andúniel explained to me about lembas that I realized it was that, rather than myself changing, that was the cause," Haldir said. "All of my self-doubts returned, and I could speak of them to no one, ever."
Melpomaen turned and hugged Haldir close. "You must have been very lonely. I'm here now, Dír. You don't have to feel like that ever again."
Hugging him back, Haldir said, "I was lonely. It was a little better after my brothers joined the company with me, and also it became more common in our time and for some time after for folk to wait longer before they wedded, so that helped with my family too. But all I could see was year after year alone, without hope. I became good friends with several of my partners, but friendship was not what I sought, and none of them was the one I had seen in my dreams, long before. So I had a kind of satisfaction in carrying out my duties well, but never was there anyone in whom I could confide my true hopes, or dreams, or fears. I'm not sure you can understand what that was like, Maen, because as far as you have told me, you did not realize that you could love another benn as a life-partner until we had left Dale. Is that not so?"
"It is," Melpomaen said. "I had never considered it. I thought I was in love with Caranfíniel, as I have told you." He gave a quiet chuckle. "She also had a certain foresight; perhaps she saw you with me?"
"I hope not," said Haldir, troubled.
"Oh, Caranfíniel would say nothing if it were so. She very rarely spoke of what she saw; once she told me that she feared that what she said might change those visions in unexpected ways, so she preferred silence. We both Chose to study music together when we were of age to do so, you know."
"No, I didn't. I somehow thought that the company was your first craft," Haldir said. He paused, then asked, "Maen, how old are you? I never asked because it never seemed to matter."
"One hundred and fourteen at the end of Nárië, at midsummer."
Haldir sighed. "And I am eight hundred and thirty-nine, and for eight centuries I have borne my burden. It is not the age that matters, but the fact that I have been altered by the weight of my secrets and my doubts. You were able to come to me freely, but how do I come to you?"
"It does not matter," said Melpomaen firmly. "You love me and I love you. We are bonded, even if many of our kin would not recognize it. That is enough."
"I hope you're right."
"I know I am," came the confident reply. "You said yourself that you had seldom felt such contentment or joy as you do now here with me. Does that not prove it?"
"Perhaps so," said Haldir, shaking off his darker thoughts.
"Now, let me kiss you, Dír, and remind you of how to feel that joy. Mm?" Melpomaen suited words to actions, his mouth seeking Haldir's with an enthusiasm that made Haldir forget all else for a time.
Hands calloused by bowstring and knife-hilt reached out to touch tender flesh. Haldir inhaled sharply as Melpomaen's thumb swept across the head of his rigid member, nudging back the fold of skin. His own fingers tugged lightly on Melpomaen's sac, gathering it into his palm and holding it while his knuckles brushed against the base of Melpomaen's organ.
With his free hand Melpomaen stroked Haldir's chest, tracing the lines of muscle. He pinched Haldir's left nipple hard and felt Haldir's cock twitch in response. He gave the nub of it another twist and then shifted to the right nipple, repeating this until Haldir was writhing under his touch and thrusting against his hand.
"What do you want?" hissed Melpomaen into Haldir's ear.
"I want you to take me," Haldir said, in a voice so low it was almost a growl. "Take me, Maen."
Haldir waited impatiently as Melpomaen fetched the flask with the last of the sweet oil in it from his pack. When Melpomaen got back onto the bed it gave an alarmingly loud creak, but Haldir paid it no attention. He rolled over to let Melpomaen apply the oil to them both and bit back a shout as Melpomaen slid in, his warm hand once again wrapping around Haldir's member.
"Do you like that? Do you?" panted Melpomaen as he withdrew and thrust in again, over and over.
Each stroke brought a new burst of pleasure to Haldir, who could scarcely answer in consequence. He managed a gasped, "Yes," before he fell silent but for small moans, pressing back against Melpomaen, encouraging him deeper, closer.
Melpomaen could tell that Haldir wanted him to command this lovemaking, and he responded by being rougher than was their usual practice, less careful in his movements. The novelty of it stimulated him, and Haldir's cries urged him on. He bit into the sweat-sheened skin of Haldir's shoulder, tasting the salt there. Haldir grasped Melpomaen's hand and pumped against it in a frenzy, his buttocks clenching and relaxing, until with a last groan his seed spurted out, the heat of his release followed within seconds by Melpomaen's.
They lay locked together, feeling their breaths and pulses slow. Melpomaen moved to withdraw himself and felt Haldir wince.
"Did I hurt you?" said Melpomaen with concern. "I'm sorry."
"No, it's all right. Just a little bit, perhaps, but I wanted it to be like that this time," Haldir said. "Can you pass the towel?" He mopped up the stickiness from the sheets, then passed the cloth back to Melpomaen, who wiped himself and then Haldir.
"You're bleeding." Melpomaen showed Haldir the towel. "Are you certain you are all right?"
"Yes, really, I will be fine. But maybe it would be better not to travel tomorrow, after all. We can buy our supplies and stay here another night."
"If you think that's best," Melpomaen said, hiding his worry. He put his arms around Haldir. "Dratted mattress. I'm still being prickled by it."
"Mmm," was Haldir's only response, as they both drifted off to sleep.
The following day, after an adequate breakfast, they followed Geleb's directions and easily found the marketplace.
"What do we need?" Melpomaen did not so much ask Haldir as think aloud. "Oil," he smiled slightly, "some more dried foods, I think."
"Perhaps a bit of bread and cheese," Haldir suggested. "We cannot get a great deal, but there are other villages on our way southward, where we can buy more if we need."
They had been speaking in their own language as they passed the different market stalls. While they retraced their steps back to the trader who seemed to be the only man selling oils, Haldir said, "You do the bargaining with this one, Maen. Your Westron has improved a good deal since last summer."
Melpomaen protested, "But yours is still much better; I may not do nearly as well as you would for price. I'm not even certain what a reasonable figure would be."
"No more than a silver halfpenny," Haldir said.
"For how much oil, though?"
Haldir lowered his voice as they drew near the stall. "For the flask we have, refilled with sweet almond oil. If he doesn't sell that, try for olive oil; best quality for a halfpenny, ordinary no more than a silver farthing, or three coppers."
With reluctance Melpomaen stepped up to the counter, Haldir remaining a little behind him. He had to listen carefully to the man's speech, which was more rapid than that of the Men he had encountered in Thranduil's caverns. Sweet almond oil, it transpired, was indeed for sale; after some minutes of negotiation, Melpomaen was able to obtain a flask-full for five coppers, better than the price Haldir had named.
He hid his broad smile until the bargain was made and paid, and they had moved away. "I did it," he said proudly.
"You did indeed," Haldir agreed. "Would you like to do the rest of it?"
"No, thank you," said Melpomaen. "I still think you will do as well or better. If you don't mind?"
Haldir shrugged. "All right."
Since they had decided not to move on that day, they spent it leisurely. Haldir purchased the supplies they had decided were necessary, and they carried everything back to the inn where Geleb was happy to take their coin for a second night.
During the afternoon they looked around the town of Stonyford, agreeing that it seemed less pleasant than Dale had been. A few inquiries of the locals informed them that there were few settlements on the east bank of the river to the south, especially as one neared Dol Guldur, but that there were scattered villages on the western side.
"We'll cross the river here in the morning, then," Haldir said. "Best to do so where there's a ford anyhow."
He looked at Melpomaen. They were back in the common room of The Great Bear, finishing a meal that differed from that of the previous night only in that the mutton was boiled instead of roasted. Tonight, though, the number of customers was smaller; the Dwarf-caravan having moved on. "Last night in a bed."
"I know," Melpomaen said. "We should enjoy it."
Haldir shifted slightly on the bench. "Yes. . . with a little less enthusiasm." He smiled, taking the sting from his words, and added in low tones, "Not to have to keep watch separately – to be able to share a bed – that is a delight in itself. Which does not mean I do not want more, as you do. Shall we?"
"Yes." Tonight, Melpomaen resolved, he would let Haldir set the pace.
40. Looking Ahead
The day had been warm for that season of the year, and the air in their room was stuffy when they reached it. Haldir opened the shutters, glancing at Melpomaen to see if he objected. They both knew that discretion would require the window to be shut when they made love.
Melpomaen nodded, saying, "It will take some time to cool off." Suiting actions to words, he pulled his tunic over his head and tossed it, still inside out, towards his pack.
Haldir decided to take his shirt off as well, but as usual he made certain that it was right-side out and folded neatly before setting it down. His fingers itched to do the same to his partner's shirt, but he restrained himself.
They sat propped up against the pillows on the bed and talked as they waited for the evening breeze to cool the room.
"How much longer do you think it will take us to get home?" asked Melpomaen, tracing lazy circles on Haldir's chest.
"I'm not certain," said Haldir. "It will depend on how good the paths are, and what the weather is like, but perhaps a fortnight or three weeks. We will almost certainly have to stop again for further supplies. I doubt we will be able to stay in an inn again, though. We haven't all that much coin left."
"I see," Melpomaen said, adding in tones laced with regret, "This will be the last night we can sleep together, then."
"I am afraid so." Haldir reached to take Melpomaen's hand, and bringing it to his lips, kissed each fingertip before putting it down and nestling close to his lover.
Melpomaen looked down at Haldir's golden head resting against his chest, and stroked it. "Still, this is more than I had expected when we left Thranduil's realm," he said.
For some time they remained embraced, not speaking, reaffirming their love with the gentlest of caresses. The air had cooled considerably and the stars were bright in the sky when Haldir got up to light a candle and draw the shutters closed again. He began slowly to remove his remaining garments, one by one, folding each and piling it ready for the morning. Naked, he returned to the bed and lay down next to Melpomaen, who was still half-dressed. Melpomaen turned, propping himself up with his elbow. He ran his forefinger along Haldir's side from shoulder to hip before reaching down to brush across Haldir's groin. He watched as Haldir's organ swelled beneath his strokes, blood pulsing darkly under the fair skin, and felt an answering ache in himself, his own member pushing against the confines of his leggings.
Haldir looked at Melpomaen, his eyes dark under hooded lids, and said, "We did as I chose yesterday, Maen. What would you like, tonight?"
"Although," he added, the ghost of a smile on his lips, "I would prefer to be able to walk comfortably tomorrow, and I imagine you would as well."
Melpomaen thought about it. "I would like to watch you," he said at last, a little shyly, "and to have you watch me, as we each bring ourselves to release."
Haldir wrinkled his brow. "Are you sure?"
Melpomaen nodded. "Not at the same time, though. First you, and then me."
"All right," Haldir shrugged. "If that is really what you want."
"Well," said Melpomaen, "I might wish to touch you a little bit as well, if you would not object."
"No, I don't mind," said Haldir, his voice tinged with irony. He spread himself open to Melpomaen's gaze, his head resting on the pillows, his left knee bent so that the leg was tucked up with the foot against his right calf.
Melpomaen slipped off his clothing before he laid himself belly-down on the bed next to Haldir, his cock hard and throbbing against the sheets. "Talk to me," he requested. "Tell me how you feel."
Haldir bit his lower lip, but complied as best he could. "It feels strange, to have you watching and not touching me. My own hand is less. . . satisfying, because I know each move I will make before I make it." He licked his left finger and thumb and pinched at his nipples, his hips jerking slightly as he did so.
The sight made the blood flow hotly to Melpomaen's groin, but he did nothing for the moment, merely urging Haldir to continue.
Haldir released his grip and stretched his right arm a little to fondle his sac. "They are tight," he remarked, "ready. I wish your mouth were on me, or that you were inside me, filling me in love, but. . ." he trailed off. "I would be too sore anyway." He moved his hand back up and held himself again, his fist moving up and down his straining shaft, alternately covering and revealing the head to Melpomaen's eyes. "Or else I would like to be inside you. Instead I have to imagine it, the way you open up to me, the warmth and friction of it." His hand was pumping faster now, and he scraped the nail of his left thumb across one hard nipple and down to his stomach.
"I know," whispered Melpomaen, "and I love to feel you there." He rocked his hips, pushing against the straw-filled mattress. "But I am loving to watch you now, too, as you do this for me. You look so beautiful, Dír, in your pleasure."
The flush that touched Haldir's face when Melpomaen said those words made him still more alluring in Melpomaen's view, and he reached to put his hand over Haldir's, his fingers grazing the tip of Haldir's organ. With a groan Haldir thrust against him and spilled, thick fluid jetting up to fall in spatters across his stomach and onto the sheets.
Melpomaen slid down, the friction of the fabric almost painful on his needy cock, and licked at the bitter drops until Haldir was clean.
"Now, meldanya, will you watch me?"
Opening his eyes, which he had closed to enjoy the sensation of Melpomaen's tongue to the fullest, Haldir smiled and agreed. Melpomaen sat up, cross-legged, resting against the head of the bed, both hands at his groin.
"I like it when you look at me," said Melpomaen. "I can see your eyes moving, and it is almost as if your fingers and not your gaze were moving across my skin." He shivered and took a firmer grasp.
A memory struck Haldir and he said slowly, "You liked it when Legolas was with us, watching, too, didn't you?"
Remembering those few nights, Melpomaen felt the blood rush to his cheeks, and he slowed his stroke. "Yes," he admitted. "But I would not have, if you had not been there as well. Of that I am certain."
"I believe you; I just had not realized before that you took pleasure in that." Haldir looked thoughtful. "When we are home again, I wonder. . ."
"Wonder what?" Melpomaen was still recovering from a confession he had not ever intended to make.
"If this proclivity of yours will make things easier or more difficult for us, when we can no longer make love." Haldir shrugged. "I suppose we will just have to wait and see." He rested his cheek briefly against Melpomaen's shoulder, looking down. "Oh, yes. I don't think I like this as you do, but you are a fine sight yourself."
Under Haldir's admiring regard, Melpomaen found himself quickly back to a high state of excitement. He bucked his hips up and down, ignoring the swaying of the mattress and the occasional loud creaks of the supporting ropes. He knew that after the way he had phrased his initial wish, Haldir would not touch him unless he asked. Rather than saying so in words, however, he reached for Haldir's hand and brought it to rest on his thigh.
Haldir stroked Melpomaen's leg, running his fingertips lightly along the pale skin and up to the crease where thigh met torso. Melpomaen shivered and increased the tempo of his stroke, always aware of his lover's eyes on him, watching as he moved. When Haldir leaned over and whispered, "I love you, Maen," breath warm in his ear, Melpomaen's pleasure spilled over, pumping through his fingers.
Sighing, he leaned against Haldir, feeling his blood slow from its frantic pace through his body. He turned his head to see Haldir looking back at him. "I love you too, Dír. Thank you."
"You're welcome." Haldir smiled. "Do you want the towel?"
"Yes, please," said Melpomaen, and wiped the moisture from his body, tossing the cloth towards the table. He stretched out again and pulled Haldir to him in a hug. "Good night."
Morning came all too soon, but they had eaten the porridge and bread that Geleb provided and were on their way before the sun was an hour over the horizon. The ford was busy with a caravan of traders, Dwarves traveling eastward, and so the two Elves waited until they could make safe passage across to the westward bank. The main road continued west to the Misty Mountains; it was the less-traveled southward path onto which they now turned.
The morning slipped by as they walked with a steady, ground-eating pace. If Haldir felt any discomfort from their vigorous love-making two nights before, he did not show it. They paused briefly when the sun was high for a morsel of bread and a slice of tangy pale cheese, quenching their thirst with water from the river for the air was warm this day.
Haldir said, "I'm glad that we stopped in Stonyford for two nights, even if it did take much of our coin."
"So am I," Melpomaen replied. He wanted to say something more, about wishing that they could have stayed longer, but could not find the words to convey his meaning without sounding as if he wanted not to return as agreed to Lothlórien.
"Maen," said Haldir, without looking at him.
"Yes?"
"No, never mind."
"What is it?" Melpomaen said. "Don't start to ask something and then not do it."
"I'm sorry." Haldir glanced sideways at Melpomaen. "Er. What would you most like to spend a day doing?"
"That's not what you were going to ask me before."
"No, it isn't, but it's what I am asking you now."
Melpomaen sighed. "Very well. What would I most like to spend a day doing? Are you talking within the realm of possibility, or in ideal circumstances?"
"Either one."
"I would. . ." Melpomaen began, but trailed off. "I'm not sure, really. Let me think for a few minutes." Half a mile further on, he spoke again. "At first I was going to say that I would most like a day to be spent just with you, making love."
"But you changed your mind?" Haldir pretended an exaggerated hurt.
"Not exactly," said Melpomaen. "I realized, though, that where we were would matter to me, because it would matter to you. You have made it clear to me that you think you will only be happy back at home in Lórien, at least now. Is that not right?"
"It is." Haldir looked southward, towards their home, and his expression was soft and yearning.
"So we would have to be there; but there is no way that we can be together as a bonded couple in Lórien, is there." Melpomaen stated it as a fact, not a question. "So it isn't within the realm of possibility, to spend a day doing what I wish to do, in circumstances that would please you as well. What I want would involve a change in all our family, our friends, the whole of our people perhaps."
Haldir reached for Melpomaen's hand and matched strides with him, leaning to give him a kiss on the cheek. "It would, I think, meldanya."
Melpomaen frowned. "But why must it be that way? I know, I know, that is how such bonds have always been seen by our people, as evidence of the taint of Morgoth on Arda. But why? The only difference I can see between love between two binn or two biss, on the one side, and between a benn and a bess on the other is that we as two binn cannot have children together. But not everyone chooses to wed at all, or to have children if they do!"
"I agree, you know that," said Haldir. "That is the one real difference I can see too, and it seems meaningless. When I was very young, and realized where my love would be given, I did not think deeply about it; I simply accepted that what everyone believed was true, and that to love another benn was wrong. It took many years for me to consider the matter more carefully and question why, and whether there was any real basis for that assumption.
"The Elves of Mirkwood don't believe it, not from what Legolas said, or what we saw. Which is not to say that I would agree with everything they think, either, not that the few months we spent there were enough to learn all their ideas. And as you know I did not want to remain there indefinitely, even if it were not our first duty to return with the message from King Bard to Lord Celeborn."
"But the fact that the Mirkwood Elves do seem to accept bonds between two binn, even if they are not considered preferable. . . do you not suppose that perhaps we could try to get our own people in Lórien to do so?" asked Melpomaen.
Haldir wriggled his shoulders uncomfortably. "I don't know. How would you go about it, without revealing our own bond and incurring rejection or distrust before we could accomplish anything?"
They continued to discuss the matter for the rest of that day and several following, Haldir always the more doubtful as to the possibility of fostering real change among their fellows even in the border guard, much less in the whole of Lothlórien. At last Melpomaen said in exasperation, "Do you not want to be accepted by our people, Dír? For that is what it seems like to me. Every suggestion I make, you dismiss. There will be risks, inevitably, but do you not think it is worth it? Do you wish to live so that we must always hide our true selves? I had not thought you a coward."
Stung, Haldir said, "I am no coward, Maen. I am only trying to be realistic and practical about this. What good would it do us – or anyone else like us – if we proclaim our bond openly and are exiled in consequence? Do you not think that a more subtle approach is more likely to succeed in changing minds?"
"I'm sorry. I apologize for calling you a coward, Dír. But I worry that if we try to be discreet, and keep our own bond hidden, we will simply be ignored. I do not think that we can expect safety for ourselves if we hope to transform others' ideas," said Melpomaen.
"I do not want safety," began Haldir, but the words trailed away. "Yes, I do," he admitted. "I know that our bond cannot be severed, but I do fear what could happen. You are the lodestar of my life now, and yet. . . I do not think we can be, or should be, all in all to each other. There is more to our lives than the bond between us. For me, my family is important. For you, perhaps it is your music? I saw how much you enjoyed working with Dúlin last winter. But the difference there is that I have only one family, and they are in Lórien, and there is no way around that; whereas I suppose that you might find someone with whom to play and study music almost anywhere."
"That is true," said Melpomaen. "I had not thought of it in quite that way before. It isn't that I don't respect your love for your family, but it frustrates me to feel tied to Lórien on that account, and yet see you unwilling to challenge the conventions of our people for exactly that reason. Because that is partly why you are reluctant, is it not? You do not wish to risk alienating your family, or bringing shame on them if they do support us?"
"Yes. I am afraid of what my parents and brothers might think of me," said Haldir. "So I am a coward, really."
The stars were bright in the sky above them as Haldir spoke, but his face was in shadow, turned away from the flames of the fire. "I love you, Maen, but I love them too, and I can't bear the thought of disappointing them, or being rejected by them, or letting them be scorned for my sake."
"So you would rather hide?" Melpomaen's voice wavered between contempt and chagrin.
"No, I don't want to hide, but I don't want to hurt anyone else either! This is who I am, who we are, that we love each other. We chose this, or accepted it, but have we the right to impose our troubles on others that we love?"
"But they should not be troubles," insisted Melpomaen. "That is what I am trying to get you to help with, to convince our kin that there is nothing wrong with our love and our bond, but you don't seem willing to even try to do that." He folded his arms, his eyes glinting in the flickering light.
Haldir threw up his hands. "We are not getting anywhere with this discussion tonight. Why don't we set it aside and talk again tomorrow. Will you take the first watch?"
Melpomaen agreed to that, and rose to pace the perimeter of their night's camp as Haldir rolled up in his blankets and slept. The thoughts of the younger Elf were heavy as he stood guard over his lover.
41. Divergence and Convergence
For all that Haldir had suggested continuing their conversation the following morning, that was not what happened. Perhaps it was the weather. When Haldir roused Melpomaen soon after dawn with a cup of tea smelling of mint and chamomile, fog lay thickly upon the land, trailing pale wreaths and streamers around each bush, caught damply in the nets of spiderwebs. The fog reduced them to quiet and necessary murmurs as they broke camp, and though by midmorning it had diminished to a few patches in hollows of the ground here and there, the low sullen clouds that followed did no more to encourage speech.
Melpomaen kept his impatience in check throughout the day. It would do no good to urge speech upon his lover unwilling. Once they had chosen a campsite for the night, a league and a half beyond a straggling village of Men at which they had purchased two loaves of bread and a chunk of soft cheese pungent with herbs, however, he could wait no longer.
"Have you thought more of what we discussed yesterday?" Melpomaen said as he sliced thick pieces from one loaf and laid them to toast on a flat rock in the coals.
Haldir looked up from the bowstring he was inspecting, his expression closed. "I have."
"And what were your thoughts?"
"I will do nothing that, as best I can judge, might hurt my family or bring shame on them," said Haldir.
"You would rather have yourself – and me, I might add – live in hiding, in silence, in fear." Melpomaen paused, but Haldir did not respond. Deliberately Melpomaen filled two plates with their supper and took one to Haldir, sitting cross-legged opposite him. "Look at me, meldanya. Is that what you prefer?"
"No, I don't prefer that," Haldir burst out. "Do you think I want to live like. . . like a mole underground, solitary, fleeing the light, seen only as a destroyer? No. Of course not. But I can see no other way." His voice quavered with the vehemence of his feelings. "If we try to alter the assumptions and preconceptions of others, and succeed, all might be well, but if we fail, as I think likely, we will have made our lives there intolerable. We would have no choice but to go into exile, irrevocably."
"We could return to Mirkwood, to Thranduil's realm," Melpomaen reminded him. "The king himself invited us to do so. Even if our own folk cannot accept us for who and what we are, there are others who will; Legolas made that clear."
"I know, I know. But. . ."
"But they are not our people, they are not your kin," finished Melpomaen.
Haldir's mouth twisted. "You know me well, Maen."
"I wonder sometimes if I do," Melpomaen said. He spread cheese on the heel of his bread and bit into it, speaking indistinctly through the mouthful. "'Ide ooch ooze. . ." he paused and swallowed. "Why did you choose me, Dír? Given that you are so certain that a love between two binn cannot be accepted among our people – and I am not disputing that; you have had far longer than I to think about it and observe what is done and said in that regard – why would you put yourself, and me, into such uncertainty and distress?"
"That is a good question, and I do not know if I have a good answer for it." Haldir sighed, gazing steadily at Melpomaen. "I dreamt of you, as you well know. For many years even before you were born, perhaps before your parents were born, I dreamt of you, of being with you and loving you. And these were not merely dreams of a handsome dark-haired Elf who could have been anyone. It was you, Maen, with your music and your fondness for berry tart and your habit of strewing your things all around the talan when we're at home. I was certain that I knew what those dreams meant, that they foretold the one person I could love, who was my destined partner.
"But perhaps I was mistaken." Now Haldir looked down and the light from the fire caught the bones of his face, throwing them into sharp relief so that he suddenly looked like an old mortal Man, with every year of his life printed on his visage. "Or if not entirely mistaken, perhaps I should have been more patient, discussed matters with you before we acted to seal our bond, because now we have no choice in that. We may choose how we act, but we cannot now break that tie. I was not fully aware of what we did, but that is no excuse. I'm sorry, meldanya, if my haste has brought you grief. I never meant that to happen."
Melpomaen sighed in his turn. "I am sure you did not mean to, but yes, I am unhappy and angry about the situation, and just now I feel trapped. I don't want to leave you, and I'm not sorry that we are together, but. . . had I understood what our bond would entail, how it would limit our lives, I think I would have wanted to wait and consider more carefully. I do love you, you know that, and I love making love with you, yet waiting might have been the wiser course. I am going to find it difficult to give up the physical – I know that nearly all bonded couples do so sooner or later, but rarely if ever as soon as this, and only when they choose to. Even members of our own company, when they are on leave and go home to their spouses, can resume making love. Whereas we, I think you would agree, cannot. What chance is there that we would both be given leave at the same time? And while we are on the borders, between the lembas which discourages any longing for such things, and the lack of privacy, there can be nothing beyond a kiss in friendship, as anyone might do. No, trapped is the word. And that is why I want to try to change the antipathy of our people towards those such as ourselves, so that we might be together like any other bonded couple. I feel that I am giving up a great deal so that you do not have to give up as much, your family for instance."
Haldir had long since finished eating and had set his plate to one side. He reached out to touch his partner. "I truly regret being so precipitous, Maen, and I hope that you forgive me for what was done out of thoughtlessness, no more." He hesitated, then added, "I have said before that if we try what I propose, returning to the company and living chastely there, and it does not work, if we are not content with that, then we can do something else. Pursue a different vocation besides the border guard, for instance, and it need not be the same craft for both of us. This decision is not forever, meldanya."
Leaning against Haldir, Melpomaen said, "I know. But we have had so little time, really, that it is hard for me to think ahead so far."
"I suppose I have had more practice in thinking ahead, although much of my life I have tried to think only from day to day, as being less painful," said Haldir. "It has not been easy to endure without someone in whom I could confide; I think that is why I could not, did not, wait. Suddenly there was a chance to end those years of loneliness, and I took it without questioning whether it was the best thing for you, or for me."
"Don't blame yourself entirely, Dír. It's not as if I was not there, participating, even if I did not know exactly what we were getting ourselves into; you didn't either," Melpomaen said. He wriggled down until his head was resting on Haldir's lap.
"No," Haldir said, stroking Melpomaen's hair, "and since there is nothing to be done about it now. . . perhaps it is best not to waste such time as we do have together? A fortnight more at most, I would guess."
Melpomaen found tears prickling unexpectedly in his eyes. Whenever he thought he had resigned himself to what must be, something brought the loss home again. After their conversation he did not feel as inclined to make love as usual, but neither did he want to lose one of their few remaining nights. He took Haldir's wrist and kissed his palm, then cradled it against his cheek. "You're right, of course."
"Not ‘of course'," Haldir said wryly, "as we both know too well." He leaned down to kiss Melpomaen's forehead. "Maen, you are the heart of my life, and you will be so whatever happens. So let us celebrate that now, together."
"Let me just see to the fire first." Melpomaen sat up and shook himself. "It could use some building up."
"So could you," said Haldir, coming to kneel behind his lover as Melpomaen squatted to add branches to the flames. He stroked along Melpomaen's spine, using his thumbs to dig into the muscles of Melpomaen's shoulders. The fabric of the tunic hindered him, and he tugged it loose, pulling it over Melpomaen's head. Dark hair spilled free, and Haldir brushed it aside to kiss the side of Melpomaen's neck, tracing a nibbled line up to his ear.
Melpomaen turned partway around and embraced Haldir, tipping them both to the ground and giving him a single fierce kiss that left the older Elf gasping. "Why don't you get the oil while I finish the fire?"
"All right." After a moment's thought, Haldir skinned quickly out of his clothes, folded them, and was waiting, flask set conveniently nearby, when Melpomaen returned to their blankets.
"I see that you're impatient tonight," was the only comment Melpomaen made, as he pulled off his tunic and stepped out of his leggings, leaving them in a tangle of fabric.
Haldir ran his hand along Melpomaen's calf, the only thing he could reach at that moment, and agreed. "Do you remember the first night we made love?"
"How could I ever forget it?" said Melpomaen, stretching out on the ground beside Haldir, the light of the fire edging his body. "We were both impatient that night, were we not?" He sought Haldir's mouth in a kiss, softer than before, trying with lips and teeth and tongue to speak his emotions without words.
The night air was cool and damp, likely to mean dew by morning, but neither Elf noticed that now. Haldir traced patterns along Melpomaen's back with one hand, leaving a tingling warmth behind; when Melpomaen realized that his lover had spelled out "meldanya," he burst into delighted laughter and hugged him close.
"I love you, Dír," he murmured into Haldir's neck.
"And I you," Haldir replied. He tangled his fingers into Melpomaen's hair and tilted his head back to look into his lover's eyes, dark and ardent. "Let me show you." He nipped at the spot where Melpomaen's neck and shoulder met, quickly turning it into an apologetic kiss when Melpomaen yelped. Then he drew a moist trail of further kisses down to the dark rose peak of a nipple, suckling on it while his hand sought its mate and rubbed the silky-hard flesh.
Melpomaen squirmed and shifted – somehow he always managed to find the spot where a tree-root lifted the ground – and nudged his groin against Haldir's belly.
"Patience," Haldir lifted his head to say, before returning to his exploration of Melpomaen's chest, pleased at the flush his ministrations had brought to the skin. Gradually he worked his way lower, until his lips found the tip of Melpomaen's member and he tasted a hint of acrid moisture. He ran his tongue over the tiny cleft and the folds of skin that usually protected that most tender spot, while with one thumb he rubbed the base and used his fingers to stroke around Melpomaen's sac.
When Melpomaen began to thrust his hips, though, Haldir released his grasp and sat up, his face shining with moisture. "Do you want me to. . ."
Before he could finish the question, Melpomaen had reached for the flask of oil, pushing it towards him. "It would seem so," Haldir answered himself.
Haldir knelt up to work the stopper out, and Melpomaen turned over, rising to his knees and using his discarded clothing as a pillow. The air was cool against his swollen organ, now that Haldir's mouth no longer warmed it. Within moments, though, he felt Haldir's hands on him again, now slick with oil, one hand soothing against his hardness, the other easing him open to both their pleasure.
As Haldir first stretched him, then filled him, Melpomaen remembered all the times before that they had carried out this act of love: both with Haldir inside him, and the reverse. He keened as Haldir's thrusts touched that place within that was like a coal, burning in hot joy at each stroke.
For his part, Haldir tried to restrain his tempo, to hold them both at a plateau of delight without yet rising to the peaks. He paused, pulled back, letting just the head of his member rest inside Melpomaen's passage, then rocked his hips slowly, slowly, easing just a fraction further in with each movement, until again he was fully sheathed. After a dozen such, during which Haldir's hand never ceased from its measured rhythm on Melpomaen's organ, they were each slick with sweat, gritting their teeth to hold back.
"By all the stars, Dír," gasped Melpomaen, "please, now."
Haldir increased the pace of his hand, but held his hips still, pressed firmly against Melpomaen's. With his free left hand he reached to again tweak Melpomaen's nipples, and the unexpected sensation brought Melpomaen to his climax, the thick pale fluid spurting in a quivering pulse.
Now Haldir grasped Melpomaen's waist and began thrusting once more, harder and faster, into the tight slickness. A dozen strokes and he found release as well, calling out Melpomaen's name in almost a wail as his seed flooded forth.
They collapsed together in a tangled pile, Haldir's organ slipping out to nestle in the cleft of Melpomaen's buttocks, breathing ragged but in harmony.
"Haldir," said Melpomaen eventually, his voice muffled against his lover's embracing arm.
"Mm?"
"We have no more than a fortnight until we are home, is that not right?"
"I said so before," Haldir said. "Why? We cannot delay our return any longer, if that is what you are thinking."
"No, I know that. I only want to make sure that I, that we, enjoy these last few days to the fullest. Not just in making love, either, but in being alone together, without the responsibility of guard duty, or the interruptions and distractions that are bound to occur." Melpomaen rolled onto his back, looking up at the cloudy sky in which no stars were visible. "If one of us were a bess, and we had had an ordinary courtship and espousal at home, we would not have the problems that we will have soon, but neither would we have had time like we have had on this journey, even in Mirkwood. That has been a gift that I at least have not appreciated as I should, till now."
"Nor have I," said Haldir. He rested his head against Melpomaen's shoulder. "But it is not too late, and the future is always uncertain – whether ill or good, we will not know until it happens."