InsaneJournal

There had been a sinking feeling in the pit of Shauna's stomach when she saw the ward from Liam, their parents wanted to talk to her. Knots tightened, bile rose up in the back of her throat, and she just wanted to lay in bed at the flat above the Pub and be left alone to be sick over this. She knew exactly what it was they wanted to talk to her about and she was not looking forward to what they would have to say. Instead of doing what she wanted to do, she got up and went through her day as usual, nannying and working at the pub. It was harder than usual watching the kids, only because they did remind her so much of what it was like once upon a time when she and her brothers got along before things had blown up and out of proportion in her opinion. The kids must've noticed too, the quite demeanor with which the usually loud, vibrant Shauna Finnigan carried herself was a big change and they weren't as rowdy. Instead she read them books, made them read, made them nap (which was usually a hassle) and let them do whatever they wanted within reason rather than the normal plans she made. Her mind was elsewhere, on her brothers, anticipating what her parents would have to say, and Eddie.

When she had finally returned home with all her belongings the first thing she did was put them away. Liam and Pierce were understandably giving her the cold shoulder but it didn't feel cold at all, it was angry, fiery, Finnigan rage in their eyes. It wasn't deadened as it had when the first started and they just looked at her like a stranger. Peter Urquhart's journal had definitely ignited that flame again. She felt more stupid than she had before, of course someone would be mentioning the fact that Shauna and Eddie were in each other's company for the majority of the night. It was odd but when she was with him she, as cliché and girly as it sounded she didn't particularly care what everyone else in the room thought about it. Shauna was just enjoying his company, his small remarks, the bored look that brightened for just a moment when he changed his expressions, and of course her own failed attempts at teasing-flirting with him. They had left together even and what a wonderful night that had turned out to be. She still replayed it in her head. Silly girl, that's what she was turning into and usually it was a feeling she enjoyed but it's like James pointed out she knew the why's of it being wrong.

The talk her parents had with her didn't go over too well. Pierce and Liam were in the kitchen, she could hear them and was fully aware of their presence in the other room as she sat there, quiet, unnerved, and staring up at her father and then to the side where her mother sat. Seamus was going off about how this was over a boy in the first place. What was his little girl doing gallivanting around with a boy who beat up her own brother? That did not sit well with him. The guy wasn't allowed to just smack Pierce around and then turn around and decide to date Shauna. There was that sick feeling again... the twisting and turning in the pit of her stomach, acid rising and threatening to spill out, she didn't handle things like this well, at least not when she was the target. That's all she felt like lately was the target and she knew she wasn't even the real victim here, Pierce was. Seamus and Shauna were the most visibly upset, Catriona, who was always calm and collected managed to restrain her husband from going further and spoke to Shauna in her usually soft but firm tone. What about this boy makes him worth upsetting her brothers to such a degree that they felt the need to involve them in the first place?

Shauna knew her answer wouldn't be satisfactory, she didn't even think it was a good enough excuse, but she couldn't deny the fact that she fancied the bloke. She said it was how she herself had lied and went about this situation that was probably more upsetting than anything. She didn't think it was worth involving their parents, especially when Pierce and Liam had said to her that they were just done. If they were done why not leave it be? The selfish side of her thought of this as some malicious intent to turn everyone she loved against her. The hopeful side thought well maybe they still cared. The rational side said neither were true, they just wanted her to stop talking to Eddie Urquhart because they hated him. After explaining the little that she knew of the situation between Eddie and Pierce, then almost pleading with the fact that her parents know her better or at this point probably thought they did, she doesn't live day to day thinking of horrible things, she forgives quite easily, things get swept under the rugs. She's not delusional about it, she's aware of the existence but she doesn't dwell on it. There is no need.

Now here she was in her room lying on her stomach, face buried into the pillow, everything slowing down her mind, processing the talk with her parents, Liam's angered reaction to her just being sent to her room by obnoxiously stalking out of the house and slamming the door. Her parents wanted to talk to each other about this... She sighed, thinking bitterly to herself the last time she had been sent to her room was for punishment over getting physically violent with a neighbor boy who had assaulted Pierce, verbally and she had taken it to heart. Why couldn't she do that now? What happened to that Shauna? It would've made a world of difference and she wouldn't be sitting here feeling this awful. What was worse was she couldn't talk to anybody about it, she was only berated more for her actions rather than given any real advice on how she could go about doing what she wanted and be assured it would be okay in the end. No matter what end it came to she didn't know if it would be okay. That hope had faded. The usual people she went to for advice were James, Pierce, and Liam. That was pointless now. She couldn't go to Eddie, it wasn't his concern and he was in Brazil vacationing, and she didn't have any girlfriends who understood -- they all liked the proper blokes one could bring home.

Knock. Knock.

"Come in..." Shauna spoke into her pillow before pushing herself up to repeat herself so she could actually be heard.

Her mother opened the door, quietly shutting it behind her and leaning against it momentarily before asking, "Would you mind if just you and I continued talking, Shaunie?" Shauna wasn't given an opportunity to respond, not like she would've turned down talking to her mama about this. She sat up and moved over, patting the empty space beside her as her mother locked the door and made her way to sit beside her daughter.

"What's Da doing?" Shauna asked staring at her finger nails and picking off the nail polish she had let Aoife put on her that day.

"He's playing on the Wii with Pierce. Liam left, he probably went to go see Rose or Pamela. He didn't exactly say." Catriona responded, she shifted and faced Shauna, who was still looking down and began to run her fingers through her hair. A soothing gesture that Shauna found extremely comforting. It reminded her of when she was still a little girl and acted like one. No one for her to fuss and coddle, no one else to worry about but herself, just her and her mother and being the child for once. Shauna felt pretty childish now by the way everything had been handled on her end. It was odd how emotions made people feel. She's not a robot, she knew what emotions were like just not the painful hypocrisy of them and how they were all against each other and ruining her insides.

"Momma?" Shauna spoke up suddenly.

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry." She apologized, more for all the trouble she was causing, the trouble she was getting in, the lying, the not being or doing what everyone expect her to be or do. She was Shauna Finnigan, the second mom, the best sister in the entire world who put people in their place when they got into her brother's faces, who baked for them, did their laundry, gave them money when they needed it, took them out, was fiercely loving and loyal in every aspect of her relationship with them. She was the poster child of what an older sister should be. Or at least that is who she was supposed to be. That's how she was raised, molded, and had been for so long. What was happening?

Catriona hmm'ed again at Shauna, cupping her daughter's face and turning it to the side, she began to French braid from the top, and then tilted her own head to the side. "So, tell me about Eddie. Why do you fancy him?" She asked and continued braiding Shauna's hair. "Or why do you fancy him more than some, let's say, hasn't beaten up Pierce?"

If only she had just stopped at Eddie. It was instantaneous the butterflies that fluttered in her stomach and then it felt like she got hit by bludger when the second question followed moments later. Shauna sighed. She knew she could talk to her mother of all people about it, not expecting anything she wanted to hear back but what kind of relationship would that be if she only had people around who told her what she wanted to hear all the time? At least she could gush, finally, sort of… Starting with her mother’s second question first.

“It’s hard for me to fancy someone. Or at least I thought it was hard, according to James it’s just me being desperate… which I could understand I guess because he’s right I’ve never had someone like me back when I liked them…” Shauna began delicately thinking back on her conversation with James and just shaking her head… internally since she didn’t want to mess up her mother’s braiding process. “You know I can count on one hand how many guys I’ve liked at Hogwarts?” She began to tick them off with her fingers as she said their names, “James, Joseph, Simon, and now Eddie. Four blokes in seven years, guys I can say I legitimately fancied and didn’t just think they were cute or whatever. James, thank the Lord didn’t return my affection, at least not in the manner, it would’ve made our friendship awkward probably.”

Catriona chuckled softly and said, “Well at least your father would’ve preferred that?” Shauna grinned sheepishly, oh her da and his love for James and his family, sometimes it killed her. She almost brought up James calling her Mrs. Potter but for all she knew Pierce and her Da could’ve been outside the door listening rather than playing Wii and her Da would burst in the room and go on a tangent about James.

“I think one of the major reasons I like Eddie is because he’s not a little boy, he’s a man. You know maybe not in age, because, well clearly he wouldn’t be a little boy, but he doesn’t carry himself like one. It’s strange, I don’t feel the need to coddle, he doesn’t need a pat on the back or endless streams of encouragement, he’s just him and it brings out another side of me. I don’t have to be the cheerleader, the mother, the protector or the provider. I can just be…” Shauna explained, her cheeks already flushing thinking of Eddie made her feel. “He does what he wants, he doesn’t beat around the bush, and he’s straight forward, honest to, despite what others may like to think. He’s clever, he’s intelligent; I’m starting to not feel the need to be so verbose and over explain anything I say or do because he gets it, or at least I think he does. He’s amusing, very amusing, half the things that come out of his mouth horrify me and intrigues me but I’m always smiling, so much so that my cheeks hurt and then of course they’re on fire.” Shauna said, feeling her cheeks with the back of her hand, yep, even thinking about him did this.

“How does he feel about you?” Catriona asked, finishing the one braid, studying Shauna’s expression as she got up and moved to the other side.

“He fancies me.” Shauna responded simply. That’s all she knew really. “I make him calm he says. I think that’s a good thing. I mean I relax the more I talk to him after being tired and stressed out all day long over everything. Even just writing to him I feel better. I am unsure of why he fancies me. I haven’t asked him because I figure the answer is the same reason why he talks to me. I’m genuinely sweet, soft, and amusing to speak to.” It was almost verbatim. The only reason she remember what he wrote was because it had embarrassed her. “We were writing back and forth one night… after my huge fight with Pierce the first time and he wrote Eddie… Eddie said he’d make something up to say back to make me happy.” Shauna wanted to bury her face in the pillow now. She felt vulnerable sharing information like this. Shauna didn’t just talk about these sort of things, mostly because they never happened but still. “No one has ever done that. I mean, Pierce and Liam, James, but it was just… there was something different about it. He didn’t have to, the fact he had any inclination to do that at all just struck me.”

“Are you two dating?” She had stopped braiding and waited for her daughter’s response. She suspected a yes and wasn’t obviously surprised to hear a no from Shauna, and pressed her lips together, stringing the golden hair through her fingers as she finished that side. “You’re not dating this boy and you’re already so invested, I can tell how much you like him from the way you look, your tone, you body language, and yet the two or you aren’t dating nor are you positive of his intentions and what he truly likes about you.” She pointed out. “Do you see a future with him?”

Shauna bit her lip and shook her head. No, she didn’t see a future with him, not anything beyond tomorrow, or the day after that, she was taking this as slow as possible. They were just friends at this point, friends who liked each other, who had gone on a date, and she was just enjoying the intimacy and the feeling of him holding her hand, getting to talk to him and snatch up little insights into his mind and personality.

Catriona sat thoughtfully a few moments, what seemed like hours on Shauna’s end as she waited for her mother to say something. Breathing a sigh of relief when her mother opened up her mouth to speak, “You know… you’re taking it for granted that your brothers will love you, and for a boy you have no future with specifically because your brothers object to it so much… If it fizzles out, your brothers will always remember how you chose a fling over them. If it works out, do see yourself being able to bring Eddie home for dinner or even expecting Pierce and Liam to suck it up and come to the wedding. I’m trying to be understanding of the fact that you are a teenage girl, but I thought I had raised you to be more cautious and considerate than this…”

Her heart hardened momentarily against the words of her mother, it was a natural reaction nowadays to do that when others spoke against something she wanted so vehemently. Tears stung her eyes and she inhaled sharply, looking down at her hands again, studying them, she didn’t know what to say. Her mothers hand came into view, lacing her fingers together with her own, as she gave a half hearted comforting squeeze.

“I can’t just ignore him. We’re going to the same school, we talk to the same people, and he’ll be around me for the next four years. I can’t promise that I won’t talk to him again because I thought I’d be able to the last time but as soon as Liam said I never told you not to talk to anybody, talking to Eddie was already in my mind again. I don’t know why I can’t just have him as my friend and explore the possibility of having him in my life romantically. It won’t last forever. I can’t see it lasting forever, but I’m not thinking about forever, that’s an eternity away and I just want to see what happens now. I don’t know if or when I’ll ever get the same opportunity.”

Catriona just looked at Shauna, there was nothing really she could do to help her daughter, she was stubborn just like the rest of the family. “I love you sweetie, but I can’t support you in this because you’re wrong and I think you know that.”

Shauna frowned, she wasn’t expecting anything differently but it was just hard to hear, like most of this talk had been. It was a painful pill to swallow. She sunk on the bed, laying down, moving the pillow to her moms lap and facing away from her with her head resting there as her mom began to slowly unravel the braids she had made. “But the damage has be done,” Shauna whispered before clearing her throat and finding her voice. “Whatever I do it’ll be a lose-lose-lose situation.”

Catriona sighed and gently reminded her saying, “If a psychic makes an incorrect prediction and realizes it only after the client returns angry, she doesn't continue to insist that her prediction was correct. She admits her mistake, accepts that she might be decried as a fraud for a very long time, and does what she can to do right by her customer and herself. You're better than you've been behaving. Your brothers know that, and that's why they're furious.” And then pause, rolling her eyes and adding "well, amongst other things, they're boys.” This caused Shauna to chuckle, just a little, but it felt good to have that familiar tug of a smile and be able to laugh for the first time today. “A word of advice for the future, never have boys.” Catriona said with a smile, “Or if you do don’t them a baby girl to poke at and protect.”

Shauna’s smile faded half heartedly and she turned a little just to glance up her mom to say, “But I’m not a baby girl anymore, despite behaving like a child recently. I’m seventeen.”

“Tell that to your brothers. They're unlikely to believe you at this point, about anything really, but it's never too late to start rebuilding trust.” Catriona said as gently as she could, combing through her hair, gentle massaging the scalp before in one swift movement Shauna’s head as now blocked by a pillow and her face was smushed against her mother’s leg.

Shauna’s speaking was only slightly muffled but what she said still made her mother laugh. “If this ever blows over I’m joining a convent.” Removing the pillow and tossing it off herself, she glanced up again, “But not really because I’d like children one day.” Her mind shifted gears back to her brothers as she bit her lip and chewed it over momentarily. “I’ll start trying little by little… but only when I can do it whole heartedly.”

Catriona just stared at Shauna, a little wide eyed and sort of awe struck before she realized that her daughter was referring to Pierce and Liam and not having kids, “Good plan, sweetie. Wait till you are willing to do it whole heartedly and start fresh. I believe your brothers are to the point where any small attempt would be scene as just something to divert their attention.” She paused considering for a moment what Pierce had said earlier and decided to share anyway, “Pierce mentioned something about you polluting an otherwise good memory of your trip to Germany.”

Shauna winced in reaction to that, that angered her, and then saddened her. There was really nothing she could do to convince him of that otherwise. It wouldn’t surprise her if Liam and their girlfriends thought the same thing.

Catriona’s hand covered Shauna’s forehead, smoothing out the furrowed brows with her fingers and went on, "He took his frustration out on a gingerbread man, so if you see a plateful in the kitchen missing their heads and legs, that was your brother." Shauna couldn’t help but laugh at that. It was terribly sad and she felt awful but it was just such a Pierce thing to do and she shook her head and wiped at her eyes, ugh, she did not want to cry over this situation.

“How about I go and get us dinner and we’ll up here, watch TV, and eat ice cream afterwards? Rainbow Sorbet? I know that’s your favourite.” Cartiona offered and Shauna grinned.

“You read my mind… not surprising.”

Catriona got off the bed and ruffled Shauna’s hair and walked towards the door, leaning back in a little to say, “One night of sulking, that's all. Now buck up. We're Finnigan women. We're resilient. We're strong. We've got three big boys to take care of, we've got no time to fall apart. I expect to see you out and about in the morning. Don't let me down.” And that all knowing mother smile of hers that Shauna could mimic so well before she went down stairs to retrieve the things that would make her daughter feel better if only for a short while.