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esther wolowitz. ([info]wolowits) wrote in [info]buggerallrpg,
@ 2010-03-12 02:06:00

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Entry tags:damien collingwood, esther wolowitz

WHO: Damien Collingwood and Esther Wolowitz.
WHAT: Acceptance/Rejection Letters.
WHEN: April 11th.
WHERE: The Collingwood Residence, Cambridge.
STATUS: Complete.
RATING: PGish.

When Esther estimated that it wouldn’t be long after Charlotte received her response letter from the Phineas admissions office that hers would be delivered, she wasn’t wrong. Between the neighbourhood circulars and her mother’s Readers Digest subscriptions were two crisp envelopes bearing the Phineas crest, emoting such understated significance that even Mrs. Wolowitz, who had little to no understanding of their meaning, felt compelled to slip them onto Esther’s nightstand when she left for her morning shift at an obscenely early hour. Esther played with the idea of opening them herself once she’d awoken to see them, or at least writing something on the journals about them through a couple private hexes so that she’d be convinced to open them, but she chose to wait instead. She placed them in her bag, leather and decorated with studs and other punkish embellishments, and made a conscious effort to forget about them as she toiled through the first half of her day in a state of understated anticipation for the second.

Damien’s parents were following his older sister back to her university and had decided to make it an overnight trip, so as Esther understood it, the evening would provide an ideal occasion for her to open her letters with a receptive audience. She Apparated close to his house but far enough that she was able to walk for some of the way, making the visit feel a little more normal, as if Damien lived ten minutes from her house instead of a hundred and something miles. Seven years had passed since she was introduced to magic and all its possibilities, but there were little things about what she was raised to believe an “ordinary life” was that she clung onto.

She’d visited his home once before, to meet his sister, so she didn’t stare at the little ornaments and family antiques that dotted the place when she was inside, removing her hooded jacket at the coat-hanger. Esther never knew what to say when people teased her about Damien besides adding her own joke to the bundle, because more often than not, the things that people had to say were correct. Whether they were cute was relative, but did she love him? Yes. Did she dislike sleeping alone? Yes. Their banter was light and her camera remained safely nestled in her bag as they ate the meal that Damien had concocted, a burnt and slightly odd-tasting creation that had Esther sincerely laughing after every second or third mouthful out of amusement that she couldn’t quite identify what she was eating.

But these moments were nice. To her.

“How long does it take Alastor letters to get sent out, Damien?” she asked absently in her common drawl, one hand lifting her half-emptied glass of water to her mouth as she sat on one of the sofas. Her other dug into the pocket of her jeans to discard the alert that caused it to vibrate and buzz. It was turned off and thrown flippantly toward another armchair. “Something like three or four weeks, isn’t it?" Three words Esther hated to hear or speak in a sequence, "I can’t remember.”


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[info]mannish
2010-03-11 06:47 pm UTC (link)
Ah, being in love. Who would have thought it would be like this? It was not the sort of thing that Damien had often found himself thinking about, or actively seeking. It existed, yes, he wasn't the sort to try and argue the contrary; its existence, however, was often difficult to differentiate when it was hovering above your head and happily throwing bolts of lightning down your back every few minutes. Love and lust, how did you know? How could you decipher it? Like Esther, it was those moments that answered his curious and oftentimes dizzying questions. Yes, his food tasted like shit. It was shitty. Though she laughed, head aimed downward at the brownish-black splatter on her plate and eyes lit up like a Christmas tree, it was hardly mockery. Or perhaps it was, just a tiny bit, but his ego had learned how to deal with such playful laughter, light banter, and the constant back-and-forth-back-and-forth that had been the foundation to their relationship, both the platonic side and the romantic side.

Nevertheless, the final scrapings of the silver forks against the porcelain plates was a welcomed sign. That adventure was over, though only time would tell if their stomachs would be able to properly house whatever it was that had just been chewed and swallowed. Whatever it was. As they moved their conversation to the living-room, Damien pushed himself up a bit so he was sitting on the very edge of the chair, long legs bent and feet flat on the floor. His eyes moved from Esther's face down to her hands as she quickly pulled out her phone, silenced it, and then tossed it aside as though it was merely an empty sweets wrapper. Her question was greeted with a slight frown and tilt of his head. His hands, which had been neatly folded and resting atop one of his knees, separated so the left could reach up and ruffle his hair.

"Dunno, actually," he spoke, voice somewhat contemplative. He had already received an acceptance letter to train with the Kestrals. That part of his future was already complete. His letter accepting the offer had flooded out of him easier than any essay written had ever been, and it was with great determination and a keen need for dramatic detail that he had tried to respond like any prospective famous Quidditch player would. Damien had chosen a topic to study and filled all the information for Alastor out in a respectable amount of time, but his acceptance into that school almost seemed...obvious. Who didn't get accepted there, anyway? "I think it's four weeks, yeah. I haven't heard anything, though. Soon, I imagine."

With eyebrows that arched deep into his forehead, Damien quickly shifted gears and scooted even further onto the edge of his seat, quite literally and figuratively. "What about you, though? You're supposed to know before I do. Are you holding out on me, Wolowitz?" His lips curved into a smile and his eyebrows settled back to their designated location.

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[info]wolowits
2010-03-12 12:57 am UTC (link)
Esther Wolowitz wasn’t much of a smiler, it didn’t take a genius to know that, but she smiled when her curiosity at his university letters double-backed on her. And it was a full smile, the space her white teeth occupied finding an awkward balance with how little her eyes needed, squinted and bowed as they now were. Like Damien, she felt no apprehension about whether he’d receive an invitation to study at Alastor, as long as he didn’t flog off his studies too much she was sure that there wouldn’t be any sort of obstruction for him to deal with there, but she’d been so successful in avoiding thinking about the enveloped contents of her bag that she then felt a small, giddy wave that was similar to how she initially felt when she noticed them on her nightstand. Oh, that’s right – she had been holding out on him.

She stood from her seat and walked to her bag, positioned close to her unneeded jacket on the coat-hanger. The letters, slightly ruffled from being bounced around against Esther’s camera and phone and wallet and other knick-knacks, were taken out in her left hand and safely kept there as she returned to the living room proper. The furniture glanced over; Esther stepped to a stop in front of Damien’s chair and lowered, instead, to sit on the carpet in front of him, close enough that her folded legs, which were comically shorter than his, leaned slightly against his left one. Her eyebrows bunched together slightly, as they often did, as her bright eyes rose from the paper to his face. “These came in the mail today. Actually. I didn’t really know when to open them.” She hadn’t felt nervous before, but Esther didn’t hide the fact that she was now, grinding her teeth on her lower lip and sweeping her hair over the right side of her face like a short, misdirected waterfall. “But, okay.”

Using the clean nail of her thumb as an impromptu letter knife, she drew it underneath the sticky, paper flap to open one envelope, and then the other. Esther’s version of nervous was thankfully more subdued than the average individual’s, if a person didn’t know her very well they wouldn’t have been able to identify any odd mood at all, but her stomach was tense and filled with butterflies that she hadn’t previously anticipated and to the trained eye, this was clear enough in her small, awkward quirks; the fact that she took a moment to hold the envelopes in her hands after opening them to breathe a calm breath in and out, for example.

She lifted one letter up, far enough that she could read the letterhead and the first sentence, And then she placed it back inside, shuffled it to the back, and did the same with the second letter, her face betraying nothing that hadn’t already been established; that she was tense, perhaps a little excited, and nervous. Then, she stopped. For a beat, but only a beat, she didn’t move at all.

“Accepted.”

Her head lowered as she pulled the second letter back into its pouch and pressed them closed, in a way that didn’t seem entirely out of the ordinary. Esther wasn’t exactly the sort to jump up and scream for joy when good things had happened, after all. Just as quickly as she’d settled on the floor, she rose from it, pushing up on the short heels of her shoes to slowly return the letters to her bag. Her face, unsurprisingly enough, was relatively blank as she made the journey back to pick up her phone and clasp it in her hand, but there was something that was unfortunately offbeat as she murmured, “It’s nice that you and Ethan will get to go to the same school, isn’t it? Are you excited?” Silly question. She pressed her lips into a small smile as she looked down at her phone, a scapegoat and an excuse to look distracted. “Of course you are.” She paused. "Would you like to listen to music?"

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[info]mannish
2010-03-12 09:31 am UTC (link)
Aha! It made sense that Esther hadn't already read the letters the second she got to her feet and proceeded to search through her bag. Damien had been expecting Esther to simply tell him about her acceptance in her cool as a cucumber sort of way, but it made him a bit giddy to know that she was going to read those words of acceptance, confirming everything that everyone already knew, in his presence. Perhaps they could even charm the letter bigger and plaster it on the wall. Not that that would really do any good, especially considering it was her letter and his house, but that wasn't the point. Maybe they could charm it to Esther's forehead. Then, when she ventured out into the real world, everyone would know how smart she was. Or would just think she was mental. Or they could wait until Hogwarts started again and he could charm her an 'ACCEPTED TO PHINEAS' shirt. 'PHINEAS GIRLS ARE HOT!' 'I AM DATING A PHINEAS GIRL!'

With an amused smile, Damien nodded his head in the direction of her bag, trying to encourage her to rip the envelopes open faster. He was tempted to jump up and snatch them away from her so he'd get the first glance at what they had to say, but he was content enough to simply sit there and stare at her, first at her hands as they cleanly opened the envelopes, then at her face, then at her body language, then at her face again. Having a girlfriend like Esther was brilliant and all, but sometimes it was too complicated to try and figure her out. Sometimes he simply stared at her for a few long, lingering moments and still found himself unable to figure out what she was thinking or feeling. In this moment, he should have been feeling joy and happiness radiating from every inch of her being, but there was something slightly off about the silent, empty, still moment that proceeded her quietly uttered word.

Nevertheless, Damien's left leg flew into the air in a celebratory kick, and his closed fist punched through the air in victory. He was too busy celebrating that he didn't initially notice her getting off the floor and returning her letters to her bag. When he noticed that she was no longer on the floor in front of him, his arm returned down to the side of the chair and his back straightened up again. "Not going to let me see?" His voice was light and teasing, completely and utterly under the impression that everything was a-okay. Better than a-okay. So okay that he had to shove himself to his feet, close the distance between them with two giant steps, and wrap his arms around her shoulders so he could yank her close to him in a hug. His hands grasped either of her cheeks as his head tilted downward and his lips playfully planted a series of small kisses to her lips, over and over and over.

"Bloody...excited...happy...for....you...it's...all...so...perfect..." he mumbled between his attacking kisses. When he stopped, his thumbs slid over to the corners of her mouth so he could gently lift her skin up so she appeared to be smiling again. He liked it when she smiled. And she had plenty of reasons to smile now, didn't she? He held her head in place so she couldn't look back at her phone, but his thumbs let go of her mouth so they could slide along her chin. "Yeah, sure, music is good. But aren't you excited? We should owl Ethan. Maybe tell your parents? Start warning the world of our awesomeness?"

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[info]wolowits
2010-03-12 12:10 pm UTC (link)
It’s all so perfect.

Although it would’ve been much easier had Damien not felt compelled to do what Esther knew was natural for him to do, which was to be happy at her apparent success and celebrate in a more flamboyant way than what was natural for her, she didn’t nudge him away when her face was grabbed for and bombarded with kisses. Kisses that, surely, at any other time, would’ve been received with a lot more than a turning stomach and a sudden inclination to weep. She didn’t know what to say, but it wasn’t out of character for her say very little to begin with so she kept her gaze low and comforted herself with silence for as long as she could, each display of his joy carving a sharp knife into her resolve. It was an effective method of dealing with an uncomfortable situation until she found herself looking up at a happy face as her cheeks were stretched up into a forced smile.

Perhaps a wave of dust had scattered over her eyes, perhaps it was the onset of an infection. Her eyelids appeared to gather moisture as they blinked with awkward frequency, in such quick and regular succession that it looked like some kind of facial tick. The corners of her mouth drooped downward when they were left to their own support, her bared teeth making her face look more as if it was in pain, as if she was on the verge of cringing. She may have been a neutral person more often than not, unusually so by some people’s standards, but even this would be a stretch for her to shrug off.

Especially when Damien inquired about her excitement levels – and her parents. Esther’s eyebrows furrowed a second time, but instead of rendering her expression a sour gleam, similar to what a person would expect to see after someone sucked on a lemon, it made her progressively glassy eyes look round and apologetic. When she exhaled, through her teeth, it was slow and calm until a hitch burrowed itself into her breath in. There it was, an unavoidable sign that things were not as they initially seemed, and Esther’s hand rose to protectively shelter her eyes as she lowered her face. She shook her head, perhaps at what he had said or perhaps in unspoken criticism of herself. “I’m so sorry,” she said at last, her voice falling to a low and thick cadence, radiating guilt and embarrassment with every syllable.

Tears. Unnatural. Sniffing, Esther’s shoulders rose into a small flinch as she cleaned herself with as much dignity as she could muster, dabbing at the corners of her eyes with the sides of her knuckle and forefinger, no matter how ineffectual it was to calm the tide that was building in her chest. She nodded her head toward her bag, guiding him there as she took a step back. “I’ll go call my parents or something though. Alright. Just...” she was already walking, her arm holding up her phone lamely. Just nothing. She left him in the living room with a stiff walk, carrying her with just enough familiarity up the stairs that she knew what door to turn into, to find the room most appropriate for her to hide in.

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[info]mannish
2010-03-12 12:41 pm UTC (link)
Damien was a bit slow sometimes, that much was true. Sometimes it took him a fair while to figure out that something wasn't right, or that everyone else had moved on to something else while he was still reeling from what had happened previously. Usually it didn't bother him because it never made his life more complicated than it had to be; he figured things out eventually and found ways to make up for his slowness. Though he had been getting better at realizing that a smile wasn't always real and happy and that a batch of tears didn't always mean pain and sadness, it was often with extreme confusion and unhinged worry that he finally started to put the pieces together in his brain. Initially, during his kisses, he was too damned cheerful to notice that Esther's lips were not perking out to meet his, to attempt to keep up, to egg on his silly little ministrations.

But then his bubble seemed to burst. Just like that, with one simple tilt of his head, with a bit more space placed between their faces that allowed his eyes to move away from the lips he had just attacked and settle on her eyes, round and lost and somewhere that wasn't in the moment he was in. His own smile was wiped clean so quickly that his eyes didn't have the chance to lose their excited gleam, making him look both happy and concerned at the same time. He had no idea what was wrong and could only wonder if she was annoyed by his kisses. Too many? Or perhaps it was his horrible excuse for a dinner coming back with a vengeance inside of her stomach.

"Hey, I know, it must be really overwhelming, yeah? I mean, are you worrying about what happens now? We haven't planned much with the flat, I know, but we still have time..." His words sounded lame in his ears, stupid and clueless and meaningless. Why would she worry about that? "And I am happy for you, if that's what you're worried about? I mean, I know we won't be going to the same schools, but..." his voice tapered off and eventually stopped. He made no sense. He didn't know what he was saying, and clearly it wasn't helping. Esther, still appearing to be on the brink of spiraling somewhere he'd never seen her before, stepped away from his eager embrace and collected her phone again. It was with an open mouth that he watched her scuttle out of the room. He heard the faint sound of her ascending up the stairs echoing across the room, but it took a second for him to close his mouth and shake his head, almost like a wet dog who had just been forced to take a bath.

That was all it took. It didn't make sense for her to go all the way up the stairs to phone her parents. His steps were long as he quickly followed the path she had just trailed a minute ago, and thankfully his destination was a quick trip. The door he opened had not been shut before -- a helpful clue in spotting where Esther had vanished to.

"Esther," he said just as he stepped into his bedroom, "what are you doing? Why...what's wrong?"

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[info]wolowits
2010-03-12 02:13 pm UTC (link)
There were people who were perfectly comfortable with licking their wounds in public, but Esther wasn’t one of them. She had no false image of herself as a titan that was too strong to acknowledge weakness or pain within herself, it wasn’t a matter of pride, but just as it was rare for her to display the side of her that was capable of being loud and ecstatic, so too did she prefer to hide herself away when her attitude took a tumble downhill. Esther wasn’t a creature of extremes and though it was cowardly, her instincts were to run for what little privacy she could hope for as a guest in her boyfriend’s house, taking her face in her hands as soon as the door was safely closed behind her. Knowing that it would’ve been a better decision to have simply left the house, her discomfort with simply being so overwhelmed that she hadn’t been able to keep herself composed was made worse when she considered, with a cynical mental monologue, that it was unfair for her have put Damien in the awkward position of being excited for his own future and obligated to comfort her for her (mistake? accident?) unfortunate situation.

But she couldn’t help it.

Damien had no dramatic scene to walk into when he eventually found his way through the door, nothing but Esther sitting at the bottom corner of his bed facing the far wall, one arm curled around her stomach and the other supporting her forehead. She didn’t turn, but it wasn’t as if he’d entered the room in a stealthy way, she knew he was there and his questions hung unanswered in the room for a long moment as she continued to seep salty tears from her eye-ducts. For once in a very, very long time, Esther felt as if her bodily reactions were completely beyond her control; she wiped and wiped and wiped at her eyes, but the droplets continued to spill from them, and she fought to suck in steady and slow breaths, but her chest saw fit to interrupt them with soft hiccups. It was a helpless feeling, completely infantile, and she hated herself for it.

Her cheeks were pink and her eyes were becoming swollen and red, she could sense it, so she was in no rush to look at him as he approached. Her hair provided a sort of shield, at least; it was a thin, black curtain cloaking the sides of her face and she pinched her eyes closed as her hand removed the hairclip that kept her bangs folded up so that they, too, could afford her an additional few inches of cover. “I’m.” The word left her grinding teeth, and Esther sighed unevenly with a sideways jerk of her face, disapproving of how pained her voice sounded, so quiet and unfamiliarly open in sentiment. There was nothing she could do, however, so after drawing her tongue anxiously between her lips, she attempted again, “I’m embarrassed. And I apologise. I should’ve opened them this morning. I didn’t realise.”

A sharper intake of breath was sucked in, congested by the fluid clogged in her throat that threatened to rise then was swallowed with a visible gulp. Reluctantly, Esther moved sideways so she could seek Damien out, at least for a time. Having successfully ruined the mood and the evening, she knew that at the very least he deserved an explanation, and she was not the sort of girl to deny him of that, despite the blatant uneasiness. “My scholarship didn’t come through.” She attempted a short and ironic laugh, but the tears showed their insincerity. “I feel so stupid. I can’t even... describe it. I allowed myself to get excited.”

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[info]mannish
2010-03-12 03:08 pm UTC (link)
A tiny part of Damien had expected to find Esther sprawled out on his bed when he arrived, while an even smaller part of him expected her to not have been there at all. But only the teeny-tiniest part of him had expected to see her at this level of upset. It was rare, and it was scary. Not scary in the sense of things that go bump in the night, but more along the lines of one's emotional well-being and knowing how to pull someone out of a funk that they were falling further and further and further into. It was the thing about girls that always left him scared. It was how they could cry and cry and cry and whinge and whinge and whinge without having to provide some sort of excuse or reason. He could've simply walked right out and closed the door, opting to give her some quiet and time to be with herself. It would have been so easy for his feet to turn around, for his mind to unlatch itself from the uncomfortable possibilities that an upset Esther possibly held.

His steps, however, moved closer to her, not further away. He didn't want to lunge onto the bed next to her and hold her close, just in case that wasn't the sort of comforting she was the most fond of. He didn't want to start babbling, either, because his babbling back in the living-room hadn't really done much to keep Esther from seeking privacy in the first place. Instead, he crossed his arms and stood a good few inches away from Esther's spot on the bed, actively listening and desperately hoping that she'd be able to explain what was going on -- he wasn't any good at these guessing games, and if he'd had to start guessing? All of his guesses would somehow involve something he did, some fault of his, some mistake he'd committed. That was never a good feeling.

Okay, so she was embarrassed. And apologizing. Either he was having a really slow day or his brain was racing ten steps ahead of the actual moment, but he had no idea what the bloody hell she was so upset about, or what she was apologizing for, or why she was embarrassed, or why....anything. He didn't make his questions known, nor did he let his body posture show how uncomfortable he was as he stood there. Silence was the key. The longer he stayed silent, the more Esther kept speaking, and the more Esther kept speaking, the more informed he became. He hadn't, however, expected to hear what he heard; it was so shocking that his head wobbled forward a bit and he nearly fell sideways shifting his weight from his right foot to the left.

Money. It was going to come down to money. Her happiness, her future, her everything was balancing on the edge of a cliff, threatening to fall and smash into a thousand smithereens because some stupid douchebag decided that Esther wasn't worthy of a scholarship. Money had never been an issue in his family; they weren't greedily rolling around in it and building lamps out of bills, but they weren't struggling just to keep the house functioning, either. He knew how hard Esther and her family worked for the things they had. He also knew how ridiculously expensive a place like Phineas was to attend. His brain put two and two together and suddenly his heart was sputtering and doing something funny that he couldn't control, aching or hurting or breaking or something. They had all been excited, talking as though they'd written the future themselves and knew exactly how everything was going to play out, every detail, every moment.

Torn between juvenile anger at whoever controlled this scholarship business and a desperate need to fix things, Damien sat down on the bed next to Esther, turned so he could face her, and lifted one of his hands up so the tips of his fingers could wipe the dampness of her cheeks. "We were all excited. You...you were supposed to get it. You deserve it so much." His throat felt dry as his brain tried to think of something comforting to say. He wanted to tell her this didn't change things, that her world wasn't stopping, that her life wasn't coming to an end, that it didn't matter. It did matter, though. "I'm sorry. Is this...final? Or could you write them back and try again or something?"

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[info]wolowits
2010-03-12 05:50 pm UTC (link)
Money. Not an issue for plenty students Esther knew, in fact her closest friend was from a very affluent background, but it was a very real obstacle for her. Her family wasn’t living in poverty, but nor did they have the freedom to indulge in luxuries; she came from a household that budgeted weekly, with a mother who taught her early on to reattach buttons and personalise her clothing with a sewing machine or a needle, and when she grew to an age where her list of wants became elaborate, she was sent out to get a job and earn them herself. If something was too expensive, too bad. If she wanted flashy clothes, she had to get designs together and find a way to Transfigure other, cheaper clothes into garments that held some resemblance. If she needed a new iPod or iPhone or computer, she worked one or two (often shitty) jobs over the summer. That was how her world worked, that was real life.

It was enough of a drag listening to her parents discussing debt and loans and mortgages amongst each other, the thought of adding Phineas and its hefty price-tag into the mix would’ve been a lot like handing her parents an axe and laying her head down for the chop. As unpleasant as it was to be placing Damien on the spot with her problems, what was even more unpleasant was the thought that were he not there, she wouldn’t have anyone to speak to who’d be able to understand the reality of her anguish. But that was what she’d have preferred, right? To not have someone to speak to? To deal with it herself? She didn’t know. The waterworks continued to flow as he sat down beside her, Esther making no move to push away his hands when they started to clean her cheeks. She disliked the wet feeling there, so despite the discomfort at her weeping being so exposed, her chin turned slightly in.

She watched him through swelling lids when he spoke, saying at first that she deserved the scholarship and then questioning its status as debatable. Whether she deserved it, Esther couldn’t say, but her lips took on a sad purse when his words sunk in. Who knew who the students were that were given the money instead or how well they did at school; Esther had assumed that with her extracurricular activities and academic record that she’d fair well, but obviously her assumptions had been incorrect, and therefore her reflection of herself and what she remembered of her application was nitpicky and severe. “I don’t think it’s amendable, no,” she answered him truthfully in a quiet murmur, the words coming out in a heavy exhalation. Her hands gathered on her knees and pushed, forcing her back to straighten, even though it felt better to remain curled up like a ball. “Maybe if whoever receives one decides not to enrol. It shouldn’t be surprising, if you think about it. Two and a half thousand galleons per semester, over three or four years, that’s...”

Esther’s eyes closed, releasing a fresh flood from the corners of her sockets, and she softly shook her head. She had to clear her throat before continuing on, “That’s a big investment. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.” And she really didn’t, and that was horrible. The longer she sat and analysed things, the more her head began to feel like an anchor and the more her eyes began to sting. “And it’s just...” Her hand clawed the air in front of her chest and, in a small fit of frustration, Esther let out a small hiss, speaking without thought, which accounted for the disorientation. “It took me two months to learn my first charm, to do it accurately and without help. Two months. And it always felt that way with new things, running uphill. It was so nice to get a pin, not because I cared about the rules, but the fact that I was chosen even though I – we – aren’t from that place. What kind of a fucking word is Muggle anyway?”

She sniffed, aware of what she was saying even if Damien wasn’t. Her chin inched upward as she sighed, scanning his room over slowly, looking pale and flushed in what measure of light fought through his windows. “I’m sorry that I’m upset,” she whispered in a coarse, but sincere, voice. “I’m sorry that I’m crying. I didn't mean to make it awkward.” She reached with a hand for his leg, which she tapped in a way that she hopped seemed sympathetic. "We can stop talking."

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[info]mannish
2010-03-12 10:49 pm UTC (link)
Maybe he could sell a random body part on the internet and make some money. It was interesting how Damien immediately started to think of things he owned that he could possibly sell as a quick fix for getting some cash, but it was also interesting how, deep down inside, he really did know that it wasn't as easy as selling every electronic that he had and handing over the money to Esther's open and not-so-willing hands. "Do you want me to sell my laptop?" Damien suddenly asked, voice low and sincere. His laptop was probably the newest and most expensive thing he owned. It was currently resting on the table next to the bed they were sitting on, and as he lifted his eyes to glance at it, he spotted a few other things that could possibly be sold, random things that were both new and old, purchased on his own and received as gifts. Despite knowing that selling everything he owned and trying to make a profit from it wouldn't work, he kept thinking about it anyway. It was a quick fix, an easy answer, something he could offer her that wouldn't make him feel so useless.

"It's a stupid word," he agreed, thinking back to a time when he had no idea why this, magic and Hogwarts and weird people with strange powers, was happening to him. His mother still felt that way, so Esther's words seemed to dig deeper into his soul than they would have if he had two parents who were consistently pleased and amused and even proud that one of their three children was some sort of special, as opposed to weird, child. It would be some sort of horrible irony if the reason Esther's scholarship fell through was because she was muggleborn, but oftentimes it seemed that people did do what they did because of insignificant little details like that. He certainly didn't want to bring it up, though he had a feeling that Esther was thinking the very same thing. It was hard not to. It could have happened to him, too. Sorry, professional Quidditch teams only want halfbloods or purebloods playing for them.

Quidditch suddenly popping into his head made him feel horrible, selfish, and greedy. The frown that was already resting on his face etched itself deeper into his flesh, causing him to resemble a wounded puppy.

"You don't have to apologize," Damien quickly responded, shaking his head. "And we don't have to stop talking if you don't want to stop talking. Maybe it's helping?" It wasn't likely. It wasn't as though he was actually proving to be a good, witty, or creative conversation partner. He stayed silent for a bit longer before he finally turned his body awkwardly on the bed so he could lean forward and let his arms wrap around her again. She felt so tiny in his arms, or perhaps he was imagining things because of the vulnerable state of mind she was in, but he wanted nothing more than to make her feel better, or to change the past, present, and future all at the same time.

"Do you need anything? I mean, I reckon I could, I dunno, go punch someone for you?" His head tilted so his lips were lightly pressed against her ear.

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[info]wolowits
2010-03-13 06:16 am UTC (link)
“No.”

The word tumbled out breathlessly and resolutely. She eyed his face with her guilt-ridden look, brows pleadingly raised and lips parted and dampened by the tears that had rolled down the inside of her cheeks and onto them, and moved her hand from his leg to the back of his neck to make him stop doing what she knew he was doing; searching his room for things that, like his laptop, he could potentially hock off for a price. From the jobs she worked in the summer, Esther had accumulated a couple thousand in her bank account which sustained her throughout the school year when Hogsmeade weekends came up, but even that didn’t help her chances much. “I don’t want you to sell anything,” she said honestly, and it was a moment before she moved on from this, first scanning his face for a sign of acknowledgment. He was untainted by financial woes, Esther knew that, and she wanted to keep him that way; the world sometimes looked much too small when you became a person who had to look at things in a realistic way out of pure necessity. Money may not buy happiness, but it did make more doors look as if they could be opened, as if there were opportunities everywhere.

Their families were different, but there were just enough things that overlapped that made Esther feel that when she explained certain things (whether in an eloquent manner or in the haphazard way she currently preferred), he understood them as more than just far-off concepts that seemed logical, but as subjects that were familiar to him due to his own experiences. To be a muggleborn was a strange life to lead, living between two entirely different worlds and sometimes not feeling a sense of belonging in either one. He had his mother, she had a multitude of smaller, insignificant things (the awkward silence that followed when she fixed her father’s watch with a Reparo, or when a visiting friend she’d had since elementary asked what sort of work she was planning on entering after college), which when accumulated, made her feel heavy and alone at times. No two transitions from an ordinary kid to a witch or wizard was the same, but there were certain things, certain feelings, certain concerns, that Esther was reasonably sure that only another muggleborn could fully grasp the same way.

“Yes, I do. What’s happening with you is wonderful and we were going to look for flats and now this...” she trailed off. The back of her free hand rubbed her nose gently and she sniffled, peeling traces of her hair from the corners of her cheeks that were sticky with tears. Feeling him shift beside her, she didn’t push or walk away from his embrace as she previously had, not now that she was venting openly and there was no reason for her to seek an escape from the person who’d already seen and heard her at her worst. It started as a small ripple of movement, first her shoulder leaned some of her weight against his chest, the hand at his neck remaining there as he closed the gap between them, and then her head tilted against his mouth. She remained there for a time, more and more of her weight falling onto his long limbs as the seconds ticked away, until she finally hopped on the toe of her left shoe to sit on his lap, her size (or lack thereof) coming in handy by making this move relatively unobtrusive. Her face remained bowed, leaning the side of her forehead against his cheek, and her arms overlapped around his neck. She sagged into his shoulder with her mouth against the collar of his shirt, muffling the sounds she made a little.

Someone to punch. “My neighbour,” she mumbled throatily, attempting possibly her driest joke in recent history despite the sore fountains that continued to leak the odd puddle from between her batting eyelashes. It hurt to cry now, in a physical way. There was nothing glamorous about it, nothing aesthetically delightful, only an intensifying thumping in her temple and a stinging sensation behind her eyeballs. “He answers his door in his underwear. Maybe you could stab him... with your nose.”

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[info]mannish
2010-03-13 05:28 pm UTC (link)
No. He knew that's what she was going to say. Even if he decided to ignore her plea and sell everything he owned, he knew that handing over the money he had acquired to her and convincing her to keep it and put it to good use would be damn near impossible. That was the sort of girl she was, and that was why he loved her the way he did. There were plenty of girls out there who would have used this moment to throw themselves a pity party and force everyone to show up smiling and obedient at the party with gifts and flattery. It was the first time he had even heard Esther cry, so it was obvious enough that she was completely and utterly serious. Even though his head could no longer roam, his eyes continued to scan his bedroom very briefly, feeling cheated and disappointed when he didn't spot anything helpful, like a dozen bricks of gold just waiting to be traded in for galleons. That would have been nice. But then he stopped and looked back at her, countering her pleading expression with a reluctantly understanding frown. He could argue and complain until he ran out of breath, but he didn't. She didn't need to be more upset.

The way she worded it made his heart hurt again. It was like she was preparing for the end. All that prepping and planning and those silly little conversations they'd gotten into with Ethan were all going to be flushed down the toilet now and forgotten about because of some stupid scholarship? All of that was still possible. It was all still possible and they could have everything they wanted if they simply fought for it. It became difficult to fight for anything when Esther's slender body made its way onto his, small and light and surprisingly calming. His cheek nuzzled against her forehead as his arms held her tighter, like they were out in the middle of a snowstorm and only had each other for warmth. In that moment, though, they did only have each other, and as stupid as it sounded, they really were the only two who knew about this incredibly awful news. It was a lot of weight to bear.

"I'd do that," he murmured, the left half of his mouth slipping up into a smile. "He needs to learn that not everyone wants to see the outline of what he has tucked away in his underwear. In fact, I think I may have to punch myself with my nose just for saying that." A disgusted shiver trembled down his spine, heightening his senses. It was then that he realized what stage of crying Esther was in. He didn't cry much, but he did know that it often ended messily, painfully, and embarrassingly. Red lips, red eyes, red cheeks, sore to the touch and to the salty tears that often managed to sneak out. Hatching up a plan in his brain was easy thanks to the current positioning of their bodies, and it was without a single word that Damien positioned his arms around Esther in a way that would offer him enough support. He was lanky and had arms that were still thickening out, but Esther was not heavy. He shoved himself to his feet and sputtered forward, nearly losing his balance. It may have looked like he was going to toss her onto the bed and climb on top of her, but his body turned and started moving toward the door. It was a slow pace, one which would not allow him to drop her, but the location he had in mind was not far.

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SORRY IT SAID THE FULL COMMENT WAS TOO LONG :|
[info]mannish
2010-03-13 05:29 pm UTC (link)
The bathroom was a mere two doors down from his own bedroom, and it was with a soft grunt that he brought both of their bodies into the cozily decorated and overly shiny bathroom. There was a sink connected to a long counter across from the bathtub, and it was there that he gently placed Esther, hoisting her up so that she was sitting and facing him. Without a word, his hand gently ran through her hair before he stepped away and grabbed a soft light blue washcloth from the shelf it was neatly perched on. It took a bit of fiddling with the faucets to get the temperature of water he wanted, but he found success and started to let the cloth dampen. As one hand held it, the other reached up and moved Esther's dark hair off her forehead, off her cheeks, off the side of her neck, fingers ghosting across her skin as it was flicked backward. Paying attention to what he was doing, Damien moved the cloth up and started to pat at her cheek, then the other, then the other again. It slid to her nose, which he leaned forward and tenderly kissed, then to her lips, over to an ear, along her jawline, as low on her neck as he could reach without getting her shirt wet, up and up and up so it was under one of her red eyes, rubbing in circles, trying to remove the ache, the pain, the brokenness.

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[info]wolowits
2010-03-14 03:44 pm UTC (link)
It was a half-hearted attempt at normalcy, the reference to Damien’s nose that whilst being strong-bridged and wide was always blown entirely out of proportion with Esther’s dry sense of humour. She’d turned it into something of a running gag when their friendship became closer earlier in the school year, which made it slightly funny for her in a strange way if she ever saw another person making a comment about it – she knew Damien was good-looking, she knew a lot of other girls (and the odd boy) thought so, and his nose was nothing extraordinary or uncomplimentary when placed around his other features. She could joke about it, she felt, but it wasn’t funny when other people did. As she knew he would, he humoured her, his voice warm in the ear close to his mouth as he quipped about outlines and nose-punching. If Esther were not Esther and instead an ordinary girl who was quick to flash her pearly-whites, her mouth would’ve puckered into a bow to vividly show that the moment, however small and ineffectual overall as it was, was appreciated.

Despite having been considered relatively small on a physical scale since she reached puberty, she wasn’t a girl who was often lifted by her male friends even though they were almost all uniformly tall and athletic. Esther wasn’t playful or chipper enough for it, she supposed; she wrestled through wordplay and sarcasm, not with her body as some girls liked to do when they enjoyed the feeling of being thrown over a boy’s shoulder, held up or carried on someone's back. Her arms betrayed her unfamiliarity with having another person in control of her mobility, firmly tightening around his neck when it seemed as if he was almost about to lose his footing, and not relaxing their grip even after he recovered and lead them out of the room. To where? Esther watched his face as they travelled, though the answer to his destination couldn’t be found in some nonexistent crevice there as her eyes appeared to suspect. Was he going to take her to another bedroom? To the living-room? To the door?

The bathroom. Confusion showed in Esther’s demeanour as she was placed carefully on the counter like a child in a doctor’s office, but she continued to observe Damien shuffling around with a purpose that her addled brain was having trouble with piecing together. Finally when he turned with the washcloth, it all made sense. His mother was a nurse and her mother was nurse, two women who made their living by treating people who needed healing, and here was Damien, the product of a professional care-giver, who was finding his own way to fix her. She must’ve looked terrible, she could sense it from the way her skin felt dry when the pads of her eyes tensed and released when her expression shifted, it could’ve probably been considered a type of community service for someone to put a paper bag over her head, but his tenderness hit her like an asteroid. A tremble disturbed her deep breath in as she felt her hair be pulled back, portion by portion, and her eyes moistened for a fresh flood that only just remained contained by her lower-lids. She understood his sweetness and it left her feeling more vulnerable and exposed than she’d ever felt before in front of another person, but she stayed there. Still.

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>_>
[info]wolowits
2010-03-14 03:44 pm UTC (link)
Her cheeks were cleansed, the left, the right, then the left again, and her eyes closed when the wet cloth moved to the center of her face, over her nose and her lips, leaving the skin behind it dampened and soothed. She reopened them for only a brief time afterward, staring at his face for an additional moment with two watery, bloodshot eyes until he touched at the sensitive patches beneath them. A tear rolled from her left one, but it was nothing that wasn’t easily brushed away into oblivion, and her swollen skin relished in the feel of the cool material.

Patiently, not that there was any reason to rush, she didn’t move until he was done. Her hands moved to the sides of his stomach and pressed down softly, shy in the knowledge that she was at her weakest and far from her prettiest. She had no idea what she was going to do in the grand scheme of things now that everything she’d planned had been pushed aside, and to think about it more would only upset her, but where his words failed to calm her temper, his actions had succeeded in affecting her from the inside out; the glassiness still hung in her gaze and her expression remained susceptible to hurt, but the teardrops stopped running.

When she looked him in the eye, it was in the steadfast way that wasn’t unusual for her in ordinary conditions. “I love you,” she said, quietly and seriously, incapable of summarising her emotions in a manner that gave her appreciation of him any justice. That phrase sounded so imperfect and inadequate to her, but it was all she had, so she repeated it a second time.

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[info]mannish
2010-03-15 01:59 pm UTC (link)
When Damien saw no resistance to his plan, he let out an audible sigh of relief and smiled softly as he continued what he was doing. Though he didn't know that Esther was thinking the same thing, Damien was remembering all those days from his childhood when his mother would comfort whatever rotten/immature/testy/sad mood he was in with the simple, yet effective, everyday items found in the bathroom. Her hands had cleaned his face so well that it would've been shinningly obvious to anyone who had the pleasure of being calmed in such a way that she was a nurse with many years experience under her belt. Though it was often difficult for Damien to actually think back to a day when his mother hadn't known what was going to become of him, he found it easy in that moment to bask in those memories as he copied every twist and turn of her fingers that he could remember and soothed Esther's face. He couldn't tell if it was helping, as her skin remained red and sensitive, but at least the tears stopped trying to escape. Her complexion was as lovely as ever, even when it was red and swollen.

His tongue came out of his mouth and swiped at his bottom lip slowly when he and Esther shared one of those moments where their eyes moved together and sought out each other. He could see the redness that was tainting the normally bright and clear green shimmer that was almost always blinding, but the message that she was trying to convey was as powerful as ever. He could just stand there for the rest of the night and stare into those eyes, watching as her thoughts and emotions ran in and out of her glances, but even that wouldn't be enough time. Instead, he gently tilted his head and brought his face lower so their noses were bumping almost playfully, like he was silently reintroducing the topic of his nose into the conversation again. His bottom lip touched her top lip, then her bottom lip, then it and its counterpart parted so he could speak in a hushed voice against her mouth.

"I love you, too."

Instead of staying where he was for a bit longer, Damien moved his head back and stood up straight so he could simply stare at the girl sitting on the counter. He had a curious look on his face, and it was clear from his expression that an idea was hatching itself in his brain again. "I think..." he spoke, pausing without explaining what it was he thought. He kept it at that and quickly changed both his tone of voice and train of thought. "Stay here." Without waiting to see if she would listen to him, Damien quickly walked out of the bathroom and headed back to his bedroom, immediately stepping over to his dresser once he had reentered the slightly messy place in which he spent a majority of time when he was at home. Inside the bottom shelf, he found the dark blue material that he had been picturing in his mind and quickly pulled it out.

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:]
[info]mannish
2010-03-15 02:00 pm UTC (link)
Upon returning to the bathroom, Damien took his place back in front of Esther and opened the shirt that he was holding. It was big and long, too long for his own body. He placed it next to Esther for a second before sliding his hands over to her waist. "I think," he started again, eyes low and watching what his hands were doing, "that you should spend the night. We can watch stupid action films and put ourselves in the character's shoes and describe what we would have done differently as we eat popcorn and complain about how fake the blood looks. And then..." his voice tampered off so he could relish both the sight and the sound of his hands removing her shirt, slowly and tenderly, almost like she had been burned on her chest and arms and he didn't want to anger the wounds. His knuckles bumped into her flesh as the material moved higher and higher, needing only one last pull before it was off her and on the counter. Though he had intended to start speaking again, it became increasingly difficult to do so as his hands found the clasp on her bra and deftly opened it, pulling it off with as much care as he had done her shirt. The temptation to ogle and caress was difficult to resist, but he settled for placing his palm flat against the spot where her heart thumped for a second before his fingers pulled his shirt over her head and helped situate it on her body. It was big on him, normally used for sleeping when it was cold, so it seemed obvious that it would fall to her knees when she got off the counter. A sexy look, indeed.

"And then, if you feel up to it, we can discuss what we're going to do." He emphasized the 'we're' part to confirm that they were in this together. His hands rested on her hips and patiently waited until he was able to get her jeans off, but his face moved close to her's again so he could stare at her.

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[info]wolowits
2010-03-16 04:45 pm UTC (link)
Though they’d spoken those words to one another several times since the first handwritten exchange, Esther’s heart still swelled when she heard his voice pronounce them with sincerity. Even when her world was shocked to the core and the plans for her future had turned from a checklist to a grey blur, the reciprocation of her feelings, spoken aloud against her mouth, calmed Esther’s mood like ointment on an infected sore. Though it remained a bizarre, new experience to be in such an uncharacteristically fragile state in front of another person (in all honesty, Esther couldn’t remember the last time she had cried; and even as a child she preferred to run away to her room when things upset her), Damien was a salve. An icepack on a burn. When his face moved back from hers, the back of her hand rose so she could rub it against the side of her cheek, then flattening her palm against it, she drew her fingers into her hair to give the lanky strands a soothing brush through. Her gaze, however, remained on him, watching the inquisitive look spread over his demeanour.

Stay here. “Okay,” she replied, but he had already darted out of the room. She felt a great deal better, but the energy it’d taken for her body to express so much emotion at once, when ordinarily it was used to surviving on very little, made her words drip from her mouth lethargically. Like glue or syrup. It was an interesting instruction to be given, but as Esther turned her head over her shoulder to regard herself in the bathroom mirror, meeting the gaze of the miserable brunette in the glass, she conceded that it wasn’t as if she had anywhere to go anyway. Apart from the obvious answer, if one wanted to get technical, which was home. She shook her head and refocused her eyes on the floor when mental images of her parents, and then her speaking to her parents – or only her mum, if her dad was sent out, which was very possible – and explaining why she was suddenly avoiding questions about university, threatened to agitate her newfound calm.

To her relief, it wasn’t long before Damien was ducking back through the doorway, presenting her with an oversized t-shirt. In response, Esther cocked her face slightly to one side in bemusement, doing nothing to stop him as her waist was grasped for; Damien was mysterious to her in some ways, but he wasn’t the type to withheld information, so it was only a matter of time before his intent became clear. Though his sentences were disconnected, spaced out between lapses of comfortable silence, like when his fingers began to pull up on her shirt, she didn’t interrupt them; she understood his reason for bringing the shirt in and illustrated her approval by raising her arms when her shirt hem inched over her chest and required her consent to be pulled over her head, feeling as much a child being undressed by her parent as a lover being undressed by her man. She may have still felt ugly, but the barest glimpse of a smile shaped her lips as his arms came around to unfasten her bra, a common happening in so much of their time together that she was comfortable with it even when she wasn’t feeling attractive, much less sexy. “Practice,” she murmured, the words made perfect hanging in the air so blatantly that she didn’t have to say them, not with their similarly dry senses of humour.

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[info]wolowits
2010-03-16 04:48 pm UTC (link)
His palm on her heart. Esther’s fingers curled around his wrist before he pulled his hand off her skin, then bent to his wishes when he brought his t-shirt up for her to put on, the smell of the soap he used imbedded in the material that after so many washes was soft and soothing as it hung off her shoulders, like a blanket. Only her eyes continued to move after his final statement sunk in; elsewhere, her body seemed to have adopted a freeze-frame for a moment – a moment, nothing too long or concerning. He stared at her and, of course, she stared back, secure in their little moments of infinity. It wasn’t what she was used to, having someone else keeping her afloat, but there was no other person she was more thankful to be able to lean on more, even if it didn’t come to her as naturally as it may have to another girl.

Leaning over, Esther arm wrapped around Damien’s neck to keep her steady. Without needing to break eye-contact, she unpicked the button and undid the fly of her denim pants, teetering onto one hip and then the other; she tugged the legs of her jeans at the same time to slip them down her thighs. They were snug-fitting, but old and well-worn enough to not put up much of a fight when she rubbed her legs together to shuffle them off, only her converse sneakers escaping the exodus. Then, and only then, Esther nudged herself off the edge of the counter, her hand immediately seeking Damien’s palm and fingers to thread themselves into. She stepped into him, holding him around his waist with her other arm and resting her head against his chest.

Yes, she would stay. Yes, she would discuss things. And later in the evening when the lights were turned off, her ordinary attitutes had recovered entirely and she could lie beside him with no hurt pride or barriers, she would say ”thank you”.

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