tris eaton. (selfishbrave) wrote in blackpoint, @ 2014-02-15 21:15:00 |
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As Tobias turned onto their block, he felt a rush of nerves- was she really going to be there? The police told him when he arrived that Tris was still here. He accepted what they were saying, because the moment that Tobias arrived he was flooded with the memories of the past ten years they’d spent in this place, so he knew they weren’t lying. Still, those memories were now combatting with the ones he had of the past ten years that he lived out in Chicago, where Tris was dead. That also made it hard for Tobias to tell how long he’d been gone. It felt like he had lived through every moment of those ten years in Chicago, and maybe he did, maybe that was how long it had been, but it may have only been a month or a few days. Things didn’t look so different, but not a lot would change, necessarily, about San Francisco in just a few years. There was a lot that could have changed with Tris though. She could have moved, she could have met someone else, Tobias thought. He swallowed hard. That would be just his luck. A wave of anger momentarily won over his anxiety, and Tobias was sort of happy for it. Why did he need to be sent back, anyway? After so many years, Tobias had stopped even considering that as a possibility, but now he appreciated more than ever how unstable this place could be. When Tobias reached their apartment building, he glanced over at the buzzers. He was relieved to see that the name ‘Eaton’ was still there. That was a good sign. The relief quickly gave rise to a range of conflicting emotions as Tobias took in the view of their building. On one hand, it felt completely familiar and normal, but on the other, this wasn’t where he lived at all, and he definitely did not live with Tris. Tobias had the uneasy feeling that there were two versions of himself kicking around inside his head. The heavy winter coat that Tobias had strewn over his arm was certainly a testament to that- he desperately needed it to battle off the below-freezing temperature and winds only a few hours ago, and now, it was completely obsolete. Instinctively, the Blackpoint Tobias reached into his pocket, and he was surprised to find that his keys weren’t there. He was about to check the other when he realized that, of course, he wouldn’t have his keys, and maybe it wasn’t a good idea in the first place to just walk in unannounced. Left with no other options, Tobias simply rang their buzzer and made a futile attempt at preparing himself mentally for this. Tobias was not the only one who'd been certain that so many years in the Blackpoint community meant that there was a certain permanence to the couple's presence here. After spending so much time unsure of her own future and whether or not she could have one, it had finally become somewhat easy for Tris to settle into actually living and building the future this place had allowed for her. A career, a marriage to the love of her life, friends she never would have known otherwise--Tris was sure that the Portal had taken mercy on them, giving them the second chance they'd never been meant to have. It was for all of those reasons and more that, the morning she woke up to an empty bed and a a heart-wrenching confirmation from 5-0, Tris was sure she'd finally learned to feel what Tobias must have felt when she'd left him so suddenly and so permanently. Life did go on, though, albeit never easily. She felt the loss in the quietness of their home, in the absence of her closest confidant and everything else that reminded her of him. Worse still was the day she'd discovered that, despite his disappearance, she still carried part of him, of them, with her because she was pregnant. The days before that had been nearly unbearable but knowing that she was going to be solely responsible for their child sparked some kind of strength inside of her, the kind of strength that had driven her to jump first, to defy Jeannine, to survive the death serum. Her grief had to take the back burner to the life she still had in San Francisco and the longer she faked her okayness, the more she started to be okay--not perfect but okay. Seven months later, the longing was still there but focusing on the pregnancy was more prominent. Right now, that focus meant a large pizza with all the toppings. She'd considered inviting one of her friends over to share it but then decided she didn't really want to buy two pizzas or deal with the judgment that would inevitably come with someone seeing her finish off the whole thing herself. When the buzz came through, she assumed it was the pizza and grabbed her wallet and waddled toward the door, her free hand resting just below her belly as she juggled the wallet and the doorknob to get the door open. "Twenty-three eighty seven, right?" Tris asked and then looked up for confirmation. The wallet fell to the ground and her jaw went slack, threatening to do the same. "Tobias?" The air left Tobias’ lungs when he saw Tris. It felt like he hadn’t seen her in years, that he hadn’t seen her since she was still only sixteen, that he wasn’t supposed to see her again. “Tris,” Tobias said faintly. He tentatively reached out a hand and rested it against her cheek, his eyes locked with hers. It was strange, because as long as it seemed since he last saw her, this was exactly how Tobias remembered Tris from the last time he had been with her here. It couldn’t have been that long then, not much had changed- and then Tobias glanced down, and noticed that Tris was pregnant. Very pregnant. His right hand slid down against Tris’ cheek and fell back at his side. ‘Had she met someone else?’ Tobias found himself thinking. No. He wasn’t going to entertain that idea, it hadn’t been that long, he reminded himself, it couldn’t have been. It hadn’t really been ten years, not from how Tris looked. It was- he was going to be a father. “Tris,” he said again, his brow furrowing. “You’re-” he started, then stopped and ran his hand through his hair. “You’re pregnant?” he asked, his voice turning up, as if he was asking a question, but he wasn’t really asking a question. He could see for himself. Tris felt like breathing was the most difficult thing to do in that moment. She tilted her head toward the hand on her cheek and still felt the tingle of his touch even after his hand had fallen away. How many times had she dreamed of seeing him again? And here he was and he looked exactly as she remembered him. Knowing that, however, did little to comfort her because she knew that with that came the fact that he'd had to live years back home from the point he'd had to have returned to which meant he'd been living with her choices much longer than she'd been living here alone. Her heart ached for him and she reached out to reclaim his hand with her own. His question really didn't require an answer, so she merely nodded instead, taking in the sight of him and praying to whatever holy being existed that she wasn't just imagining him here. After a long pause, she took a step toward him and, voice thick and cracking and her eyes wet with unshed tears, she said, "I didn't think you'd be back." She didn't have to tell him how horrible that had felt or how much it hurt to remember every day that the other wasn't part of their life because he'd had to do that for so much longer than she had. Not knowing what else to say or whether or not it was okay to pull him to her the way she wanted to do--had the time at home changed how he felt about her? had he moved on with the life he lead without her?--she settled for lacing her fingers through his, reveling in being able to do even that. It hadn't even crossed her mind to invite him in. For her, this remained their home and the notion that he even had to ring a doorbell to get in was lost on her. Tobias felt his heart quicken when she nodded. He didn’t know why the confirmation brought that on- again, he didn’t really need it. “How...when are you due?” he asked. He needed to know how much time he had to figure out how the hell he was supposed to be a parent. He knew that it wouldn’t be enough- from the look of Tris, she couldn’t have much longer to go. Tobias wasn’t ready to handle this. Seeing Tris again was overwhelming enough, but this was something else entirely. “I didn’t want to leave you,” Tobias told her quickly. He didn’t realize it at first, but then it hit him- those were Tris’ last words to him. He thought of that sickening, suffocating feeling when he found out Tris had died. He hadn’t expected it- it hadn’t even crossed his mind when they said goodbye in the Compound that that might be the last time he saw her. He was completely unprepared, and how could Tris have been prepared for him to just disappear one day? Tobias frowned deeply. “I never wanted you to feel that,” he said quietly. Tobias squeezed Tris’s hand when she reached for his. It wasn’t enough. Tobias had so badly wanted to see Tris just one more time, to touch, kiss her just one more time. Tobias had accepted that it would never happen. He got used to it. After a while, and certainly ten years after the fact, Tobias didn’t feel it so badly, which wasn’t to say he never thought of her, that he didn’t miss her, but the feeling just wasn’t nearly as poignant and desperate as it had once been. But now, with Tris standing right in front of him, he felt that longing rush back, but with none of the bitterness or hollowness, because he could touch her again. “Tris,” he choked. He dropped the coat and let go of her hand so that he could cup her face in his hands. “I’ve missed you so much,” he said, his voice unsteady. Tobias looked into her eyes- they had always been what he liked best about Tris, what he first noticed about her. It was surreal to be looking into them again. Tentatively, Tobias leaned in, and kissed her lightly, then pulled her close to him, holding her tight. Tris circled a hand over her belly, a gesture that had somehow become as natural to her as breathing over the past several weeks. "About eight weeks," she said, still rendered nearly speechless by the sight of him. There were so many thoughts racing through her mind and only a handful of them were even remotely pleasant. She could feel all of the mornings she'd woken up without him, all of the moments when she'd wished he was there to tell her stories to, to feel the baby kick when it did. And more than that, she could feel everything she must have put him through, things he'd lived through himself now. It was his words that unraveled her and her face crumpled under the weight of the emotion that washed over her. Sucking in her bottom lip, she choked back a sob and shook her head. "I didn't want to leave you, either." Damnit. Her hormones were already making her an emotional wreck and all of these additional feelings were almost too much for her to handle. She let herself be pulled closed, to be kissed, still feeling like she was standing outside of her own body, watching and processing what was happening. Finally, it seemed to sink in that Tobias was here, really here, and her hands came up to curl her fingers tightly into the back of his shirt. Her chin tilted upward and she pulled him back down for another kiss, one less safe than the other had been, and then pressed her cheek to his as she held him close. As she pulled back to properly look at him again, she couldn't help but to let out a laugh--with another sob mixed in the middle of it--at the wetness her tears had left on his cheek. "I'm such a mess. I'm so sorry." Tobias’ eyes widened- he shouldn’t be surprised. He could see that Tris was far along, but there was something about hearing it- eight weeks. Eight weeks. Tobias felt a sharp rush of panic, but he tried not to let it show. He wasn’t really sure how good of a job he’d done. They hadn’t really talked about having kids. It’s not that Tobias was completely against the idea, he just hadn’t been entirely sure about it. He felt like he still needed to work through some things first- namely that lingering fear that he could still turn out to be just like Marcus. Then, of course, there were also the normal things everyone had to do when preparing for a child. Tobias only had two months for all of that. It also began to sink in how horrible this must have been for Tris, to have him disappear right before she got pregnant and to not know if he’d ever be back. Tobias ran a hand through his hair and shook his head, “I should have been there,” he said regretfully. The thought that he might have never met his own child was infuriating, and it scared Tobias that that could still technically end up being the case if he was sent back again. As terrified as Tobias was of becoming a father, he knew he wanted to be there. He wanted to at least try to have a full family with Tris- he didn’t want that chance to be taken away from him by some magical portal in the ocean. Tobias bit down on the inside of his cheek. He tried to keep the tears back, but it was impossible once Tris started, once she spoke. They had never had a chance back in their world, but did they even really have one here? “I know,” he said quietly. He didn’t really believe that at first. When Caleb relayed that message, there was a part of Tobias that genuinely felt like if Tris really hadn’t wanted to, then what made her? But he’d gotten over that- Tobias had pushed the anger aside a long time ago. When she kissed him again, Tobias returned the kiss this time without any sense of hesitation, as if trying to make up for all the years of separation. Tobias couldn’t help but smile when she laughed. There was a part of him that had almost forgotten what that sounded like- it was beautiful. Tris was beautiful. With that in mind, Tobias shook his head. “No, you’re not,” he said, and ran his thumb along her cheek, brushing away the dampness. “You’re beautiful, you always were,” he said. Tris stopped at Tobias’ expression and placed her hands on either side of this face, meeting his eyes intently and meaningfully. “Don’t even think it. You didn’t have any control over whether or not you could be here. You’re here now and that’s all that matters to me, to us.” Her heart raced rapidly, her nostrils flaring as she took in a deep, shaky breath--this was all so emotional, not helped by the fact that her emotions were heightened right now, anyway. “We’re here.” She understood, too, the fear that had snuck its way into his expression but all she could do was whatever she could to make him less afraid of what this all meant. She was beyond confident that Tobias would never be like Marcus but she understood the uncertainty. She was still uncertain that she would even make a good mother--she was selfish, impulsive and reckless. She also loved deeply, though, and did everything in her power to protect those she loved, this baby included. Reaching down to lace her fingers through his again, Tris pulled Tobias into the apartment and closed the door behind him, deciding that she wanted these moments with him to belong to her and not to the other tenants of their apartment building. She considered for a moment how much to tell him now and save for later, not wanting to overwhelm him. The fact of the matter was, though, that things would be happening very soon for them and overwhelming him was practically unavoidable at this point. “Come here,” she said, leading him back toward the second bedroom. She didn’t want to talk about what she’d done without him here or his life without her there--those were conversations for another day, a day when she was more prepared to deal with the heartache of it all. Instead, Tris lead Tobias into the nursery. She’d turned the second bedroom into the baby’s room and had had help, of course, though she’d done as much as she could herself. Having been the only one going to doctor’s appointments, she’d made the decision to go ahead and find out the baby’s gender and, stepping into the nursery, it was obvious that she was having a girl. “This is what’s important,” she told him, squeezing his hand. “We’ll figure out all the rest.” It was almost difficult to keep eye contact with Tris when she looked at him like that. He remembered how intense her eyes could be, but remembering it and feeling them bore into his own weren’t the same thing at all. It was a lot to take in, but at the same time, Tobias was transfixed. Even if there was a part of him that wanted to look away, he couldn’t. Tobias swallowed and nodded. He knew he didn’t have control over that, but admitting to it didn’t make him feel great either. Tobias wanted to be in control. He wanted to be here, and he didn’t want there to be anything that could take him away from this. Tobias kissed her forehead, then told her, “If it was in my control, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere.” Tobias followed her, forgetting his winter coat on the hallway floor entirely. He looked around the apartment in amazement. Everything was more or less exactly how he remembered it, but at the same time, it was like he was seeing it all for the first time. Well, maybe not everything was exactly like how Tobias remembered it. He blinked rapidly as he walked into the nursery. He felt a string of regret- Tobias wished he could have been here to be a part of this, to help transform this room, but then again, he guessed he was lucky that the baby hadn’t been born yet. It was more important that he was a part of that. He looked around the room, taking in the colors, the decoration. “We’re going to have a daughter,” he said quietly, more to himself than to Tris, who obviously already knew that. Tobias tried to imagine what she’d look like, and immediately he imagined a very young Tris. He knew she’d look like him too, but it was more difficult to imagine how their features would merge into a new person than it was to just picture a tiny Tris. As he began to imagine the baby as a real person, as his daughter, the fear didn’t subside altogether, but he did start to feel a little more confident. Tobias couldn’t picture himself hurting her. Maybe he wasn’t in control of the portal, but he was in control of himself. Tobias looked down at Tris and nodded, squeezing her hand back. “Have you...do you have a name yet?” he asked her. Tris watched his expression as Tobias took in the nursery. It was partially because she wanted to see all the things he wasn’t putting into words but the bigger part of it was that she couldn’t get enough of him. All these months of not knowing whether or not she’d ever see him again and obsessing over their photos to make sure she didn’t forget him and yet none of it compared at all to him being here in the flesh. She wished she could just stand there for as long as it took to memorize him again but knew that she couldn’t. The sound of his voice broke her out of her reverie and she shook her head. “No. I- I kept hoping you’d come back and that last piece kind of felt like admitting that you weren’t.” She managed a small, uncertain smile. “This is good, right?” Tobias smiled a bit when she said that. He was glad she hadn’t given up hope on him, even if he wouldn’t have blamed her if he did. Tobias wanted to help name their daughter, he wanted to decide on that together, even if he didn’t have any ideas right off the bat. Tobias brushed her cheek and his smile widened. “It’s good,” he told her. “I want this, I want us to have a family,” Tobias told her. “I’m kind of...no, I am nervous,” Tobias explained. “But I am happy about it...just,” he paused and breathed out sharply through his nose. “I feel like I know exactly what not to do, as a parent,” he started and then paused, “And I won’t do that,” Tobias said seriously, before continuing, “But that doesn’t mean I know what makes a good one,” he said. “I guess I’ll figure it out though,” Tobias said. He wrapped his arms around her back, gently pressing her closer into him. “There’s no doubt that it’s good, Tris,” he said. “I gave up on this, I had to, but God, I’m glad, I’m so glad now to have been wrong,” Tobias said, his voice breaking slightly at the end. |