RP: Don't Let Your Life Pass You By
Date: 14 April 2006 Characters: Seamus Finnigan, Emma McLaggen, Cormac McLaggen, Colin Creevey Location: Seamus's old house in Hogsmeade, Mandy's old house in Hogsmeade, Mandy's grave, his own house (that he shares with Colin and Cormac and Emma and Tigger and Snoopy and Bingo). Private/Public: Private Rating: Surprisingly...PG. Warnings: I thought there would be angst, but Seamus seems to have surprised me yet again... Summary: Seamus remembers Mandy on the day of her death.
It wasn't that Seamus was avoiding Cormac, necessarily. He just didn't want to be reminded of that day anymore. Of course, being the day that it was, Seamus couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened just a year before. It was amazing, really, just how much things could change over a year but somehow remarkably still be the same.
Cormac and Colin had left Emma in his care for the day, partially, he suspected, to help him keep his mind off Mandy.
He was going stir crazy just sitting alone with Emma in the house, though, and from the looks of her, she was feeling the same way.
"Hey, Em," he said standing before reaching down to help pull the little girl off the floor. "We're going on a field trip."
"Where are we going?" she asked, looking up at him inquisitively.
Seamus gave her a small smile, placing his hand on the top of her head. He was feeling better today than he'd felt yesterday, which was surprising to him. On the other hand, even though he wasn't angry today, he was still a bit sad, and he had a feeling there was only one thing that could really help him: forcing himself to really think about Mandy so that he could finally let go of her.
"A few places I haven't been to in a very long time."
***
As they walked through the streets of Hogsmeade and finally down to Circe Close, Seamus's heart began beating faster and faster. Finally they were standing outside his old home. He hadn't been there since June, just before he'd left for Ireland. It'd been the last place he'd seen Mandy alive, though. The place where Cormac had given him the news that would change his life forever.
"Where are we?" Emma asked, holding on a bit more tightly to Seamus's hand.
"I used to live here. Before I moved in with Cormac," he told her, giving her a small smile.
Emma turned her little face up towards him, giving him a look he couldn't quite describe. Somewhere between disgust and disbelief. "It looks shabby," she said, which made Seamus laugh slightly.
"That's because it is shabby, M&M."
He pulled out his wand and lifted the wards on the house and then unlocked the door. When he opened it, he was hit with by the smell of mildew, and he was surprised to see how much worse the place looked. Under the dust of ten months, he could see that things were falling completely apart. The ceiling was beginning to rot, and the floor was beginning to sag under the weight of the furniture, and suddenly Seamus was very glad he'd gone to Cormac's home instead of his own last October.
The living room was more disgusting than he'd remembered, and from the looks of the sofa and the ceiling above it, the house had fallen victim to leaks during the rainy days. He turned his head to look into the kitchen, shocked to see that the leaks had gotten so bad in there that the ceiling had actually caved in.
The bedroom looked to be the safest place in the entire house. Aside from a bunch of dust everywhere, it basically looked the same as he'd left it. He stared at the bed, remembering that last night with Mandy, and he let his fingers brush over the sheets. They'd been so happy that day.
He felt Emma squeeze his hand, and he looked down at her.
"Are you okay, Seamoose?"
Seamus sniffed and nodded. "Yeah. I'm fine."
He was wondering if Mandy's old home had suffered the same fate as his, though, and he squeezed Emma's hand in his.
"C'mon. Let's get out of this smelly place."
***
He was relieved to see that Mandy's old home looked a great deal better than his did, and he had the feeling it probably had a lot to do with how good Mandy had been in charms and how worried she'd been about keeping the place clean and orderly.
"I like this house," Emma said as she grinned up at him. "Who lives here?"
"Mandy lived here," he answered quietly.
Emma seemed to register the importance of this, and she nodded gravely. They approached the house slowly, and Seamus felt the wards wash over him, surprised they were still there. Then he realised that most of the charm work had probably been put up by Terry. He frowned as he thought of the other man, realising he was probably just as distraught today as him.
He unlocked the door of the old house easily, using the same series of spells Mandy had taught him all that time ago. He knew no one except Terry and Sophia had ever gone into Mandy's home after her death, not even her parents. A lot of it had to do with the fact that the wards only allowed a select few in, and those the select few invited in.
The door opened to the entryway, and Seamus knew if he craned his neck slightly to the left, he'd see the old nook where Mandy would sit and read for hours.
He and Emma passed through the house quietly, Seamus holding onto the little girl's hand more tightly than he probably should have, but she never uttered a word of complaint.
She seemed to like the kitchen, commenting on how cute and old it looked. Seamus smiled at that; that had been exactly what Mandy had said when she'd first bought the house.
They passed through the living room before heading up the old wooden staircase, Seamus stopping for a moment on the landing of the second floor.
They walked into the guest bedroom first, and the first thing Emma commented on was how green it was.
"Yeah, Mandy called it the Irish room. Told me that it reminded her of me even when I wasn't around," he said, smiling at the memory. Emma grinned up at him and then they walked out of the room, heading for Mandy's bedroom.
Emma let go of his hand and wandered into the room, trailing her fingers over the furniture. "It's dusty in this house."
"That's because no one has been here in about a year."
Emma furrowed her brow. "Even you?"
Seamus nodded.
"Why didn't you ever come over?"
Seamus shrugged, sitting down on the bed, not caring about the dust. "I was scared."
"Why?
"Because then I'd have to admit she's really gone."
"Is that why you've been sad? Because you miss her?"
Seamus sighed, scratching at his head. Emma really was pretty in tune with the ways of the world for someone so young. "Yes. I miss her a lot. We were really happy, and then she died, and it was like part of me died with her."
Emma frowned, moving to sit down next to Seamus on the bed. "Do you still feel that way?"
"Sometimes. It's been really bad lately because today it's been one year since she died." He felt Emma take his hand in hers, and she squeezed as tightly as she was able to. He looked at her, a small smile on his face. "What's that for?"
"To help you be happy. I don't like it when you're sad."
Seamus leaned down and kissed Emma on her cheek, brushing his thumb over her small knuckles. "Thanks, M&M. I don't like it either."
"You know what my mummy told me when my granny went to heaven?"
"What's that?"
"Well, I was really sad because I loved my granny very much. Mummy told me that the people you love will always be with you. Right here," she said, lifting her hand and placing it over Seamus's heart. "So when I'm sad and thinking about my granny or my mummy and daddy, I remember that they're still with me, even if I can't see them, and that makes me happy again."
Seamus watched Emma silently, unable to grasp how a six year old could be so much wiser than most adults. Her words had managed to affect him in a way that no one else had been able to, and for the first time ever, he felt as if the dark shroud of Mandy's death was being lifted from his being.
He stood, pulling Emma gently off the bed and brushing the dust off her backside.
"Where are we going?" she inquired, staring up at Seamus.
"We're going to go visit Mandy," he said as they passed the stairway to the attic bedroom on the way back down to the ground floor.
***
The cemetery was peaceful, a gentle breeze passing through the tombstones. Seamus had apparated them to the cemetery at Christ Church in Winchester, England. He'd continued to carry Emma after they apparated, and he walked towards Mandy's grave, noticing a few bouquets of flowers around her tombstone. "Looks like we're not the first ones here," he said, holding onto Emma tightly. She was too big to be carried, really, but he had a feeling that she probably wouldn't feel that comfortable in a cemetery.
He sat down on the ground in front of Mandy's tombstone and placed Emma gently in his lap, wrapping his arms around her as she settled against his chest.
"Mandy, I'd like you to meet someone very important to me. This is Emma."
Emma, bless her, began talking as well. "Hello Mandy. You don't have to worry about Seamus anymore. He's going to be okay. I'm going to take care of him."
Seamus chuckled slightly and kissed the hair on the back of Emma's head.
"I miss you a lot, Mandypants," Seamus started, bringing his fingers down to the dirt and beginning to trace little designs in it. "I know you would want me to be happy and move on, but it's been difficult. You're the love of my life, and this past year without you has been the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I've done some really stupid things--sorry about the Terry thing, by the way--and it's all just made me even more afraid to move on. I know that it's time for me to move on, but I just don't know how to do it without massively screwing up."
He was beginning to ramble, which Emma seemed to notice because she turned and placed her finger over his mouth. "It's okay to be scared."
Seamus was effectively silenced for a moment before he swallowed and glanced back at the ground again.
"You know, sometimes she really reminds me of you, Mandy. She acts like you. Talks like you. If I didn't know any better I'd say that somehow a part of you lives in her, but that's silly, isn't it?"
Emma was smiling up at him and she wrapped her fingers around one of his. "That's because we both love you and want you to be happy," she told him simply.
"How'd you get so smart, little girl?" Seamus asked her quietly as he brought his hand to her head to brush the hair out of her face. Emma just watched him knowingly.
Seamus brought his gaze back to Mandy's tombstone, and he pulled in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "I love you, Mandy. I miss you more than I've missed anyone I've ever lost...but somehow I've managed to make it to this point, and from now on I'm going to work on being happy again." He paused, taking a moment to swallow the lump in his throat. "You'll always hold a large portion of me heart, but I've..." He furrowed his brow as the epiphany set in. "I've got to say goodbye to that part of my life." It was the past, and there was nothing he could do to change it. The only thing he could was to keep moving forward. Remember the past, but live in the present. It was the same exact thing Mandy had told him the day before she'd died.
He tightened his arms around Emma's body, smiling in awe at what he'd realised.
"It took me a year," he said, his voice wavering with emotion. "You know how slow I am." He grinned as a tear rolled down his cheek. "But I'm finally going to do what you told me to do and stop dwelling on the things I can't change."
Emma decided to put in her two pence as well. "And I'm going to help him because you know how he can be stubborn sometimes."
Seamus laughed at Emma's comment and shook his head. "See, Mandypants? Just like you."
He brought his hand to his lips and kissed it and then pressed his hand to the tombstone, smiling softly. "I love you forever," he whispered as he stood, Emma in his arms.
It was beginning to get dark, and Seamus knew Colin and Cormac would be worrying about them, so he apparated them back to Hogsmeade, thankful there didn't seem to be a problem with Emma coming back into town, and after he collected his papers from the guards, they made their way back home.
Cormac and Colin were pacing in the living room when they opened the door, and both Emma and Seamus stared at them with raised eyebrows.