InsaneJournal

Who: Lucy Jones and Alena Alkeinos
What: Alena may or may not have ingested crack cocaine Alena tries to recruit more people for the couch ghost exorcisim and Lucy tells her she has a sister
Where: On the phone
When: Backdated to late Monday night
Rating: PG-13?


-obnoxious ring that should alert you that it's Alena calling!-

"Yeah?"

"Lu!"

"Hey, Le."

"Ohmygosh, hey! What's up!?"

"Uh...not a lot. Sifting through Elkins financial and employment records, which is just as boring as it sounds."

"Oh! Cool! What are you doing tomorrow night!?"

"This again? And my real job."

"Dude! That sucks! You should call out sick!"

"We're scraping to pay bills as it is, dude. Why would I do that?"

"Dude! We are gonna exorcise my couch! You should come and help!"

"Take it down a notch, woman." -pause- "You want me to come help exorcise your couch?"

"Yes! I mean, yes! I mean... sorry. We've got to get the ghost out of the couch! Sorry, I just can't stop yelling!"

"Coffee plus weed equals bad news. We've discussed this."

"Duuuuude, I think there was crack in the weed or something! I haven't been this hyper since like 8th grade when I lost my Ritalin on field day and like got a referral because I tripped up someone in the egg and spoon race... on purpose! Ohmygosh, it was so fucking hilarious!"

-sighs- "I don't have the energy to keep up with you right now."

"So you can't come help rid me of the ghost of a perverted British man that has an affinity for eating my strawberry Lip Smackers and has set his eyes on Blow Job next!?" -pause- "That lives in my couch!?"

"....no, sorry."

"Duuuuuuuuuude!"

"I know. Damn me and my full-tme job."

"What crawled up your ass and died!? Noffense!"

"Sorry. I'm just tired."

"Why!?"

"Be...cause I stay up all night at the hotel, then I stay up all day doing shit for the Team?"

"Want some help some time!?"

"At the hotel, or with the shit for Team?"

"Either or is fine! I don't care! I've just like... do you need some help right now!? I could totally help!"

"Are you on crack?"

"I'm telling you! I think Lenny sold me boonk! I dunno if he meant to, but like... Gabe locked me out of my bedroom because he's talking to I think Alec and I wouldn't stop pestering him... No, wait... he just got done talking to Alec... the fuck is he doing in there!? I dunno!"

-long pause- "Seriously, dude. You are wearing me out."

"I can't help it! I'm like... I'm trying to calm down... but I'm seriously prancing around my living room!"

"Uh-huh."

"Ohmygosh! Dude! Did I ever tell you about Booger Bear!?"

"Once. You were really high. I got a refresher from Alec's post...."

"Holy shit! Dude! I can't believe he did that! He wasn't friggin' supposed to say anything! Do you know what I went through because of that!?"

"I can only imagine."

"Twatdick fucking sat on me and tickled me 'till I fucking peed myself! Like... what the fuck!?"

"You see....that right there is too much information."

"It was just a little bit, it's not like I fucking pissed my pants or anything!"

"Alena....stop. Just...stop."

"What!?"

"I don't need to know about your urine problems. I really don't."

"It's not a problem! The problem was snuffuck tickling me, hence therein lies the problem!"

"I don't need to know about your snuffuck problem, either?"

"Gabe is snuffuck! Pay attention!"

"Yeah, I'd caught that."

"Then what th-- what? You're not making any freaking sense, Lu!"

-sigh- "I'm distracted."

-crash- "Hold on a second, I just knocked over my african violet! Fuck! Fucking dirt everywhere! Out damned spot! Out I say! Wire hangers!? I'm not mad at you! I'm just mad at the crumbs! Sorry! You're what!?"

"Dude. Can I tell you something semi-serious, or are you too cracked?"

-sound of hands clapping together- "Dude! I am completely attentive! I am so here for you! Lu and Le! Le and Lu! Gold mongering whores 'till the end!"

"I have a sister."

"Dude! That's so coo-- What!? Did Landon get a sex change or someshit!?"

"No. My mom's a whore who put a kid up for adoption, like, seven years before I was born."

-shrill- "What!?"

"I wouldn't even have known if Lydia hadn't told me."

"Lydia!? Dude, what's with parents giving all of their kid's names that start with the same letter? Amora, Alena, Alvin... Lydia, Landon, Lucy... all of those kids whose names start with 'J' on the one show on the The Learning Channel! You know the one I'm talking about!? The Duggers.. Duggards... Doogerts... or something!?"

"I...have no clue."

"Oh... Dude! You have a freaking sister! That's so cool!"

"I guess."

"What do you mean!? You guess!?"

"I'm still absorbing this shit."

"What's she like!? Does she seem cool!? Does she smoke weed!?"

"I only had one convo with her."

"You can tell alot from one convo!"

"She seemed cool. Talks a lot. Kind of like you."

"Dude! I do not talk alot!"

"Yeah, you do."

"Lies! Lies! Tell me more about her!"

"Uh...she's 32, a chef...was raised Jewish? I dunno."

"She's Jewish!? Does that mean through like osmosis or transubstatiation you and Landon are Jewish too!?"

"No. No, it doesn't."

-settles down a bit- "...dude, that sucks. I always wanted to learn what those little symbols on a dreidel means."

"I'm sure you can ask her?"

"Ohmygosh! That's a great fucking idea!"

"Try not to traumatize her. I'd like to keep her around."

-blows a raspberry- "What could I possibly do to scare her off!?"

"Everything you do every day?"

-offended- "The fuck does that mean!?"

"You're obnoxious? I love you, but you're obnoxious."

"Dude, obviously your perception of me is very, very, very, very, very off! Maybe you can't read people very well!? It's alright, we've all got our faults and flaws, you just gotta learn to accept yours!"

"If you're not obnoxious, then why does Gabe have you locked out of the bedroom?"

"Hah! Duh! Because I was trying to do cartwheels and there isn't enough room! ...and between you and me I think he might be looking at my gay porn! I mean, I don't really have any evidence! But I'm going on this gut instinct of mine!"

"...do you want me to check?"

"I mean... I did change it so on the desk top there is just a short cut that reads 'Alena's Gay Porn Stash. Don't Click Here Gabe' because he was talking about how he stumbled across it once before and then we had a convo about it back when my arm was broken, at least I'm pretty sure my arm was still broken! I think we were like talking after a big fight or something! I don't remember about what, but I'm pretty sure we hadn't talked in a few days! Dude! Do you realize that we haven't fought in like... since last Thursday!?" -pause- "I mean, yeah! Can you check!?"

"It doesn't look like he has."

"That bastard!"

"....uh, okay. Hey, I should go. Let me know how the couch thing works out for you."

"'Kay, dude! Tell your sister I said hi! Don't tell her I'm obnoxious though, because I'm not!"

"Bye, Lena."

"Yeah! Bye, Lucy! I'll give you a call later! Hope I don't get eaten by the couch ghost but if I do, can you make sure that Blow Job gets fed!?"

-sigh- "Yes." -click-