Bad Fanfiction

Has anyone else out there ever heard of these two scifi novels by Karl Hansen? A post on Elf's LJ reminded of them. Published waaay back in the 1980s, they were two novels of pretty much the sort of thing I like to write and read now: morally ambiguously, extremely dark and even more disturbing, full of decadence, violence, and perversion. Oh, yes, and furries. Actually, in certain of their elements they're too unpleasant even for me.

( Cut for length and NSFW unpleasantness )

At the end of Dream Games, Mark explains that in the future, he sees his armies will have Terra under seige, but that then the Terrans will develop a terrible new weapon, and he does not know what will happen after that. I eagerly awaited the sequel, wondering what would happen. And waited. And waited.

It was never published. To this day I sometimes wonder sadly what happened to Karl Hansen. It was this discussion in elfs LJ that brought this up in my mind over the past couple of days.

This is to see if I've fixed multiple-journal posting in Semagic.

A while back I was looking through a collection of brochures for different programs at my school and caught myself thinking "wow, there're a lot of women on these brochures!" Then I thought "I wonder how many there are, exactly," and counted. End result: 13 women, 17 men, and a few I couldn't positively identify. Hm.

I think part of the reason I thought it looked good was that they had women on the brochures for "male" fields (CS, engineering) and men on the "female" fields' ones (nursing, I believe also culinary arts) so I was expecting good numbers too. But there's also the male default here. I noticed the women. The men were to be expected. I remember reading about a study where men and women were shown videos of conversations and asked who had dominated them, and they thought women were dominating conversations when the time taken by men and women was equal, and saw balance when the men talked more.

Another case of that crops up in the apparent "crisis" in American Judaism. That most religions are and have historically been run by men isn't an issue, but as soon as one appears to be dominated by women, it's a problem. Note that the only man quoted in that article as saying that gender imbalance isn't a problem is speaking from a place where men are the majority -- that kind of imbalance is fine, people!

Have I mentioned lately that I'm tired of misogyny?

I hate family holidays. It's not as bad as it used to be. There isn't a mind numbing soul obliterating anxiety about them anymore as there used to be. There's just a dull ache of worry and some slight stomach tremors. Really the worst bit was that I thought I'd probably never have to go to a shin dig like this again. I would go one day, I just would never have to.

I didn't want to talk about where I'd been what I'd been doing and how I was. I'm better but not so well that I can always talk about Zac or Wyoming or what was a fairy tale life that while childish and unsustainable was also beautiful. I just can't talk about it especially with people who don't get it and no one in my family gets it.

Instead I gave short answers and listened to long unending diatribes of how awesome everyone else is. I was glad they were well but I could have done without the jabs at where they were compared to me. I sincerely hope I never did that to them or anyone else, though my successes are so few and far between, I'm sure I've had little opportunity to knock some else further down that way.

In particular my cousin, who works at Fenway went on and on about how boring but glamorous her job was, how much she hated living at home (though she does nothing there but sleep and hang out), and how wonderful her parties and nights out were. I wanted her to be successful. I was prepared to hear about her success and joy so it didn't even sting that much when she kept slighting me and where I was or discarding some of the work I have to do like chores and house upkeep and whatnot.

What did sting was to find out later that her job at Fenway pays $9/hr she works no more than 30hrs a week and she doesn't get benefits. She'd sat there and scorned my retail work as less and demeaning when we make the same hourly rate, I work full time and my job gives me benefits. I don't have an hours commute by public transportation to pay for or anything.

In other more pleasant news my bro got a letter from Mass Maritime and we think it might be his acceptance *hopefully*. I've got to wait for him to come home and open it but I'm super hopeful for him. It's very exciting.

Also, they've finally corrected the comp and literacy portions of the mtels, I should finally have results and hopefully a license on the 9th. Maybe I've be able to pick up some second term work or start vigorously looking for the fall. I'm apprehensive and excited. I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work and my parents feel strongly I'll need several other back up plans that I'm not sure how to approach but I'll have to figure something out soon I guess.

Hopefully the insomnia will end soon. Hopefully.

I haven't been able to sleep normally since I got my temporary crown. It came complete with the insertion of a post and that's undoubtedly where the bulk of the pain is coming from. A fiberglass rod was shoved up into my upper jawbone, after all... my body is adjusting to this but it involves lots of pain and headaches.

Vicodin + caffeine = a very sick Ardath.

I may call the dentist's office today and see if they can get me a non-hydrocodone-based prescription (oh hay I've never tried oxycontin is it good?) or I may fall asleep the second I get home and be worthless.

Finals are coming up, wheeeeeee!

So here's the rest of my semester, which is this week and next:

Two papers due on Friday. One just needs revisions, the other I'm behind on.
Another paper due Monday, along with an oral presentation of its information, and then that class is done.
Finals next Thursday and Friday, both of them obscenely early in the morning.

And that would be that. So once I do the papers and presentation I'll have most of a week to study, and it's material I've been enjoying so it's sticking nicely in my head anyway.

This at least makes it easier to deal with the fact that, at the moment, I have no brain power to speak of and only had three hours of sleep, maximum, last night. I just want to crash... at least once this little class is over I finally can (once I get home).

Onward.

NOW is probably a good time to act. I should have posted this yesterday, but forgot to, alas.

Just for this weekend -- meaning, until tomorrow -- World of Warcraft is on sale. The deal is: the original World of Warcraft game is available as an electronic download for only 5$. That's right, 5$. It's seldom sold in stores alone any more, but when it is, it's normally offered for $20.

Now, with this original game, you cannot go to Outland or Northrend, you can only level your character to level 60, and you won't be able to make a death knight, period. I think you also will not be able to make a blood elf or a Dranei. It's painfully limited. The only thing this original edition of the game is truly suited for is for the timid beginner who wants to spend the bare minimum of money finding out if they really, actually do want to play in the World of Warcraft -- so cautious that they are less afraid of having to spend more money on the expansions later than they are of making a mistake now. Because, trust me, if you decide you do want to play, you WILL be buying The Burning Crusade and Wrath of the Lich King.

HOWEVER, you will still be playing online with other people, and you will have ten days to play free. After that, you have to subscribe. WoW has various payment plans -- by the month, every two months, every three months, annually, or using time cards (even gift time cards). Take note of this, kiddies, as it will be a little important later on.

The other big deal, which is the one I recommend even for beginners, is this: the World of Warcraft Battlechest edition. With this, you get the original, base game, AND the Burning Crusade expansion. You'll get to make blood elves and Dranei if you want, and you can go to Outland and level up to 70. You also get two thoroughly out-of-date little game manuals, at no extra cost. You still won't ever be able to make a death knight, or go to Northrend (which is a fantastic place, if you ask me). Normally, it's $30 in stores. Supposedly only this weekend, Blizzard is selling the BOXED EDITION ONLY (not the download edition) for $20. Again, if you stick with the game, you WILL eventually be buying Wrath of the Lich King. Trust me.

Again, you'll have ten days to play for free.

I broke my glasses last night. In the morning, when I sheepishly reported to Mum what had happened, she told me I should find a backup pair (don't have one; it's been years and my prescription changed) and call the optometrist. Now, I am a logical person, but do not ask me to make a phone call if there is any alternative. I will panic, shut down, and become defensive. The only kind of phone calls I can handle are when someone calls me, when I call home, when I call somewhere I know a robot will answer, and when I have absolutely no choice. It's hard enough talking to strangers in person, or emailing them; not knowing who'll be at the other end of the phone is impossible. And it's not just that I need to make more calls, goddammit. I feel ill when I'm pushed. And nobody understands. *single tear*

Or something like that. Watching an old episode of "Stingray..." it's an episode in which he checks himself into a mental institution to investigate reports that it's being used as some kind of espionage base. After throwing a deliberate freak-out at one of the other patients to establish his crazy creds, the other patient tells him:

"Yeah, you came to the right place. You're a bona fide fruit salad."

My instant reaction:

"Mmmmm... fruit salad..."

There's some downstairs.

It probably wouldn't be nearly as funny to me if I weren't so sleepy/insomnia-laden at this moment in time.

But now I'm hungry. And snickering.

Mmmmm... snickers...

I felt like I did nothing today and am getting nearly choked up and in tears about it. Getting choked up and in tears about my life is something that's happening distressingly often these days. Maybe it's menopause. Maybe . . . well, it gets into some personal stuff.

Today I:

1.) Leveled up my little Dranei hunter on Moon Guard, and ended up helping another player who'd never run a hunter before. She has a warlock at 80, she's just never played a hunter. We ended up talking for more than an hour and friending each other.

2.) Writing two and a half hours in Battleworld with Manya.

3.) Went to the gym and worked out.

4.) Bought food.

5.) Went home and leveled a Night Elf hunter I have Alliance-side on Feathermoon, so he'll be high enough level that I can get to Stormwind and maybe watch this roleplay event tomorrow.

6.) Sat in bed and read a bit further and did some checkmarking in the cognitive-behavior therapy book my therapist gave to me.

7.) Lay down for a nap (at around 3:30PM) despite my better judgement and the fact that the lawn desperately needs mowing.

8.) Woke up at 9PM. In my lexicon, that's known as "crashing and burning".

9.) Commented on a few people's LiveJournals.

Claudia Christian mentioned in a blog post the other day that a B5 director ("who had clearly never watched the show") had told her to play her scenes with Sheridan more "sexy and coquettish" and I had such a strong "EWNOGROSS" reaction that I had to step back and analyze why. I can handle all kinds of fic/pairings, even if I prefer to avoid them. But Sheridan/Ivanova disgusts me, and thinking about it I've come to the conclusion that it's because they're too much like siblings.

It's kind of funny, I suppose. I can handle all kinds of screwed-up pairings if I understand the kink, even if I don't share it. I can deal with non-con, power imbalance including parent/child incest, aliens... lots of stuff. And I'm on IJ substantially because I used to have a good friend who wrote and read Weasleycest, and while I wasn't into it I didn't like the idea of her ability to do so being restricted. But despite this, sibling incest remains one of my biggest squicks.

Maybe it's because I have siblings I'm close to, and the idea of people perverting that kind of relationship feels too close to home. But I have parents I'm close to, too, and I can handle parent/child type stuff. I suppose in the Sheridan/Ivanova case, there's the added factor that they're not related by blood or by legal definition, and I've got those siblings too and know how upsetting I'd find it if people ignored that and assumed that we were sexually involved. Ties in to the whole "a man and a woman can't be just friends ever" cultural assumption, which I hate because I used to be the girl who had all guy friends and wasn't into any of them, no, really, stop teasing me, Mum! *coughs* Tangent there. Anyway, I think there's another factor.

Actors are often treated as people whose job is to convey emotions, deliver lines, and embody personalities. They are, of course. But another job they do is play relationships, and they're often not as good at that. We've all seen a big romantic storyline completely fizzle because the main romance lacked chemistry. Then, too, parent-child dynamics on screen and stage often fall flat. But the most commonly disappointing relationships I'm used to seeing are sibling ones. Screen siblings, whether bickering or affectionate, tend to fail to convince. And so I guess when I see a sibling relationship I like, I really don't like seeing it taken through the "a man and a woman can't be just friends ever" cliché. So Sheridan and Ivanova, whose sibling vibe seems so clear to me, I can't bear to think of in a sexual situation.

(Claudia Christian, I may have mentioned, is brilliant at playing relationships. Yet another reason I love B5.)

Inexplicable 10-hour power outage last night. The weather's not even bad at all.

I appear to have lost my computer permanently -- I set up Age of Empires II and now everybody wants to play. Matisse took an 8-hour turn yesterday, and when Mum starts....

An offline friend of line is in trouble. Deep trouble. Sunday morning, I was crying about it (as well as my own manifold problems). No, I don't think it was just the menopause.

After the initial flailing and some talking with someone else, my mind cleared and I thought of one or two ideas. I'll say more later.

Gums are still sore, but probably still healing. Still playing World of Warcraft.

My therapist gave me a gift last Thursday: a cognitive-behavioral therapy workbook, with exercises. He told me to do the first chapter. It teaches stress-coping and relief strategies. Gods, do I need that just now.

Found on DW's Metafandom comm, An entry about naming muses and nicknaming fics, I have decided to open a discussion about the subject here on IJ.

Do y'all name your muses? Do you have nicknames for your fics?

( And stuff!! )

So I am using this one because it is fun. :3 :3 ;3

Dear Muses,

Now that I'm starting on the Zero Princess Saga/Void Space Saga/Whatever the hell you want to call this series, Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, turn this into Viceroyverse done Kairi/Rinoa Style.

Please. I don't care how well it works, I don't care that it works on a multitude of levels. I don't care if it'd be cute (and about a quarter as creepy as Quistis/Kairi is!). I don't care if it makes a lot more sense than any other Kairi pairing in existence, Sora/Kairi included. But the Nonsense of Sora/Kairi is another show rant. Aaaanyway, no one would read it.

Even if it is a really good idea--

No. No. If you try and steer it in that direction, and we know that the one-sided Rinoa/Kairi in Braceletverse is enough, I will turn this brain around and write...umm...

I WILL MAKE US WRITE MPREG. SORA/KAIRI MPREG. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES!?

No love,
Jordi.

Phoenix's Universal Laws of Computing:

1) Your computer is stupid, but completely obedient. It will do exactly what you tell it to do, whether or not that's what you actually want or, indeed, what you thought you were doing.

2) Your computer is out to get you. It hates your guts and wants you dead. You cannot let down your guard even for a moment. Save early, save often, and back up everything regularly.

3) Your computer can tell if you're afraid. It will do everything in its power to keep you that way. You have to show it who's boss, and that had better be you.

I'd been fearing the worst, but I went back to the oral surgeon on Thursday. He was pleased and even seemed surprised at how well the gum graft was doing. He snipped away a dangling thread from the stitches on the roof of my mouth; I think the remaining stitches dropped out later that afternoon.

I'll see him again in two weeks.

Lately, I could almost swear I can sometimes feel sensation within the transplant, although reason says that is impossible. There is no way there could be nerves there yet, although by now the blood vessels from the tissue around the graft must be growing into it. Sometimes I feel an itch around the edges for a few moments, but it goes away quickly. Other times, there's pain on one side or the other along a canine tooth. More often, though, it just feels like a piece of drying meat across the lower part of my incisors.

Afterward, I celebrated by having a mushroom burger and a chocolate shake at a restaurant called the Red Robin at a nearby mall. It's been a while since I went to a restaurant. Maybe not the smartest thing to do, but it made me happy.

It's strange how much this surgery seems to have knocked me out. Part of it may also be what has happened in World of Warcraft, but that's better left for another post. The surgery itself knocked me on my ass for two days, during which I mostly slept.

I still haven't actually dared to look at the graft.

I think there's a scar on the roof of my mouth -- a scar that's supersensitive. Hopefully it will go away in time.

There is an old saying that there are two books that can change a 14-year-old's life: Atlas Shrugged and The Lord of the Rings. One is an unrealistic fantasy that leaves its followers unable to deal with the real world. The other involves orcs.

Eric Lund, over here

Just got word that this is now in circulation to be put on the ballot next year:

CREATES SPECIAL CONSTITUTIONAL RULE FOR SPEECH BASED ON THE BIBLE. INITIATIVE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT.
Exempts speech based on biblical authority from existing constitutional and statutory restrictions applicable to all other speech, including restrictions against discrimination and hate crimes. Repeals constitutional provision denying protection to acts of religious expression inconsistent with the peace or safety of the State. -Snip fiscal impact.-

Oh, state of California. WHY? This beats out the mandatory Christmas music in schools for the coveted position of "#1 thing Phoenix is most disgusted at the idea of being obligated to vote on in 2010." Driving parents across the state batty is a much less evil thing to try to violate the establishment clause with than promoting violence against queers (and, soon enough, Jews.)

I got hired by Tim Horton's.

No, I did not move to Canada. Canada? Who's that?

But I did get hired. To the second place I applied to.

I start on Friday.

OMG OMG OMG.

Now, fast food is not my ideal employment situation. However, not being broke is my ideal situation!

BE EXCITED WITH ME, GUYS!

I HAVE GOOD NEWS!!!!



Also I kinda quit Nanowrimo. But that's not important! I have a job now.