Past and Future, Part 8
title: past and future, part VIII author: callisto24 fandom: 24 charakters: Jack, Tony, Chase, Michelle, Kim category: drama, m/m slash theme: past season 4, around the Chicago prequel rating: R disclaimer: nothing belongs to me, no money made ....
Coming back to reality turned out to be a depressing experience. He had been so happy to see Jack, that hiding the truth hadn ‘ t bothered him. But now the feelings rushed back. Feelings of guilt, doubts if he had acted right. It had been easy, too easy, easier than supposed. The words had been spoken quick and secure, CTU experience had done the rest, and though it had never been easy to hide something in front of Jack, this time he had suspected nothing, he could swear it. Telling him about Kim, about Chase would have been the right thing to do, he knew, but however, there hadn ‘ t been a choice. Jack could be unpredictable, concerning Kim, and as Tony had to admit, also when Chase was involved. He shook the thoughts from his mind. Nothing, but his own stupid jealousy would cause a speculation like the last one. If Jack knew, that Kim needed him, nothing would be able to stop him from seeking her. The situation with Chase was different. He could take care of himself and Jack relied on him, relied on the fact, that he was there for Kim, would help her go through the time of mourning. If he knew the truth, if he knew, that Kim was disturbed, that Chase seemed to suffer, no doubt, he would return at once, paying no attention to the risk. Tony stared at the landscape, barely concentrated on the little traffic. The plains and fields looked all alike and he sighed when he imagined the time he still had to spent on the streets, slowly and carefully moving away from Jack, sensing the desire and pain growing with each mile. He rubbed his temple in increasing confusion. He loved Michelle truly, he longed for her, had been more than happy, she ‘ d taken him back, but he couldn ‘ t deny his feelings for Jack. It had been hell to know him in Washington, added to the ache, the separation with his wife had caused constantly in his heart. He hadn ‘ t known better than drinking, doing stupid things to distract himself from the fact, that he had been drowning helplessly in a bottomless sea, not knowing what to do or where to go. But it had been his decision then, the right thing, the only thing he could do this time. But now the things were out of his control. Now, though he had Michelle back, the ache had remained. Sometimes it seemed to become strong enough to prevent him from breathing. Then he tried to suck in the air, but his lungs refused to obey his orders until he imagined himself fainting, until he nearly welcomed the idea of fading away forever just to make the hurting stop.. But the will to survive always remained stronger. When he finally absorbed the air, it burnt like fire, his chest stood in flames and tears appeared in his eyes. He would laugh at the power his imagination possessed, ruling the functions of his body, if the pain wasn ‘ t that consuming. A pain reasoned by the bitter knowledge that Jack wasn ‘ t there, that he couldn ‘ t count on him, that he stayed unreachable in the distance, alone, a refugee, far away from everything, which had been important to him, to them. And with each mile he put between himself and his love, a conviction regained power, a suspect turned out to be true. It wouldn ‘ t end, the longing for this man would remain a part of him and deep in his heart he knew the one thing, which made it even worse. That it was as hard for Jack as for him, probably harder, and he buried the hope, that a solution would offer itself, that one day they would be able to pay the prize and be free.
* * * * *
“What are you doing here, each night,” the Irish man snorted. “Can ‘ t you see, that we don ‘ t like company?” “That ‘ s exactly why I ‘ m coming, “ Chase grumbled back, taking a big gulp from his beer. “You ‘ re talking nonsense, boy,” the other one barked loudly. “Watch out for another location to annoy other people.” “You can ‘ t order me around, man,” Chase answered angrily. “Look at me, in each bar I enter, ten bitches are already waiting for a guy like me. And I ‘ m not interested in this shit. Only want to sit and drink on my own. Won ‘ t disturb you, as long, as you won ‘ t disturb me.” The other man clenched his fists, while Chase watched his face grow red in fury. Maybe tonight it would happen, he welcomed everything, if it only would interrupt the monotony, which enclosed him, which tried to make him remember things, he refused to let inside his mind. No memories, no thinking about the past, no sorrow. Concentrate on the presence! “Leave the young man alone!” Suddenly a tall Black man interfered. “He ‘ s okay. I ‘ m working with him, a quiet one, never says more than necessary, right Chuck?” Chase nodded and smiled shortly before returning to his glass. Maybe things would change soon, at least, they started to take notice of him. “Thanks for helping me out this morning,” Andrew approached him, regarding the other one walk away still fuming. “You had offered a fine excuse for my being too late, I hadn ‘ t been able to come up with something half as convincing.” Chase shrugged. “No problem. I ‘ve always been good in talking myself out of trouble.” Andrew laughed. “True enough. I ‘ d never seen someone lie so easily to the foreman, had been a joy to watch.” Chase grinned. “So we ‘ re getting quits now, you helped me with this guy.” “O ‘ Hara isn ‘ t that bad, just bragging. And he tends to paranoia, presuming cops everywhere.” Chase swallowed the wrong way, when he tried to suppress a laughing. “Well, I ‘ m far away from this,” he finally managed to say. Andrew smiled back, studied his features attentively. “You know, some of us are glad about each opportunity on earning extra money and I wonder... .” He paused for a moment, before he prepared to turn away from the table. “Think about it Chuck! Maybe there exists a chance for you to help us out from time to time.” Chase glanced back sceptically. “Depends on the kind of job,” he answered carefully. “But I promise to keep it in my mind.” “That ‘ s all I could ask for,” Andrew nodded one last time to him, before he vanished in a group, which members conspicuously ignored the man, sitting alone in a distant corner night after night, usually without talking to anyone. Chase emptied his glass before he left, aware, that from now on he wouldn ‘ t have to deal anymore with the question if, but instead with the question when things will become interesting.
* * * * * “I like it how you work, Chuck,” Andrew stated, while they were waiting. “You ‘ re acting quick and avoid asking too much questions. I told Simon about your qualities... .” He listened quietly out into the darkness, before he shook his head. “Too early,” he mumbled to himself. “They couldn ‘ t have finished now.” He looked back to Chase, who pulled the black cap deeper in order to hide his face. “Simon checked on you and he had been very surprised about what he ‘ d found out.” When Chase didn ‘ t react he went on. “I mean military experience, your knowledge about strategy and weapon technology seems to be impressive, especially thinking about your age.” He looked at Chase, obviously still astonished about the news he had heard about the quiet man. “You have to know... ,” he hesitated, rubbing his neck and sighed. “Simon is the most important man in town. He ‘ s close to the boss, and if Simon is interested in you, things could turn out better than you might have expected.” “Huh? And what would Simon expect from me?” Chase answered, seeming confused. “I ‘ m pretty content with this here, not so much into changes.” “Well,” Andrew considered his words. “You must have been different then a few years ago. I mean playing soldier, learning about stuff in the academy... guess you had expected something different concerning your future.” “Sometimes things happen, no one could have foreseen,” Chase mentioned, lifting his left hand. “Yes.” Andrew looked at him scrutinizing. “Maybe the organization will find perfect use for your skills.” He sighed slightly. “I ‘ ve seen it before. People making progress, climbing the steps quickly and suddenly gain one high position after another, until they are sent to Europe, South America, leading interesting missions, while I ‘ m stucking in this fucking city without any hope to get out of it one day.” Chase looked at him curiously, until Andrew smiled and shrugged. “Sorry, mate, it ‘ s just, I never received a training or an education, which would be helpful... and seems like I will always be the one to be on guard, to drive the car, to hire and recommend people... nothing new in there.” “Sounds okay by me,” Chase responded low. Andrew threw another questioning glance on him. “You really must have gone through some bad experiences, Chuck. Don ‘ t know, why else you should always be in such a broody mood.” When he received no reaction by the other man, Andrew let out his breath audibly. “Anyway, you ‘ ll meet the guy soon, maybe he ‘ s already watching you.” He grinned. “These people are overacting, sometimes. Maybe that ‘ s the secret of their success.” He scratched his temple. “This won ‘ t be the last day, I ‘ ll spent sitting in a van, waiting for our heros bringing home the booty, earning lots of money. And when I ‘ m coming home my beloved wife is pissed, because she had to spend the day alone with the kids.” He blinked at Chase. “But who cares? Things have to be done, right Chuck?” “Hmm,” Chase grumbled vaguely. “Guess you ‘ re right, buddy!” “Damnit, they ‘ re coming.” Andrew started hastily the engine, while Chase climbed behind opening the car widely for their accomplices, who stormed inside within seconds. “Gee, guys, what have you done all the time?” Andrew called out. “Have been sitting here for hours and you know, that Chuck isn ‘ t much of a talker. Had to lead the conversation on my own.” “Must have been hard for you,” one of the men snorted, removing the mask from his face, while they raced around the corners through abandoned streets. “Damn right,” Andrew answered, blinking to Chase. “Can ‘ t tell you how glad I am to be with your charming personalities again.”
* * * * *
“You did what? Are you crazy?” “Shut up Tony, you hadn ‘ t been there. I had to do something.” “But driving to Chicago? Alone, without back up, that ‘ s not only stupid, it multiplies the danger for Jack, can ‘ t you see this?” “The danger had been already existing, I had to react. With you and Michelle out of the state and unreachable, I had no choice.” “I ‘ m always reachable for you, you know it, especially when... .” “Especially when it concerns Jack, I now that,” Chloe snorted. “Decision had been made, problem is solved. I deleted all traces, so did Jack. If they would have found him, we had heard about, right?” “Not right,” Tony growled angrily. “We have no idea about the extent of the risk. After what you told me, I ‘ m pretty sure, that there are more people after him, than we had thought. And we neither know what they want, nor what they intend to do.” Chloe shook her head. “They won ‘ t find him. There is another problem disturbing me.” Tony glanced at her. “What do you mean.” She sighed. “I ‘ m talking about Jack, he looks awful.” “It ‘ s his cover, Chloe, he changes whenever necessary, could be a little weird.” “No...,” Chloe hesitated. “He looks sad, somehow lost, and he ‘ d lost weight.” “Well,” Tony tried a smile, though his body tensed up almost painfully. “We know Jack, he... he only shows, what he wants to be seen.” Chloe held his gaze. “I ‘ m not sure, if he can do this any longer. I mean this... waiting.” Tony swallowed dryly and let his gaze drop to the floor, while his voice faded, the anger completely vanished in one short moment. “We still have hopes, that Palmer would be able to find a way out.” He rised his head again. “It can ‘ t remain like this, I know.” Chloe nodded. “As long as you know, Tony. Guess, that ‘ s all I wanted to hear.” For an instant their eyes met, before she turned around resolutely, leaving him alone with his thoughts.
* * * * *
“Cigarette?” Andrew offered to Chase, who accepted gratefully. “So, what happened? I ‘ m curious.” “I see,” Chase smirked and shrugged. “Not much. Wanted to talk about my past, made a few hints, nothing clear or final.” Andrew sighed. “And what do you think about him?” Chase shook his head. “Don ‘ t know, made no impression on me.” Andrew rolled eyes. “Chuck, time for you to wake up. Can ‘ t wait what you say, when your meeting the head of the organization. He ‘ s amazing, talked to him once and he really gave me the feeling of taking part in something important.” “Yeah, like rubbing and stealing.” Chase raised his eyebrows. Andrew laughed and bent over confidentially. “Now, you ‘ re almost in, guess I can tell you.” Chase let the smoke out and watched it fading away into the air, while he stayed calm as always. “You remember the weird things happening this year? Airforce One shot down, to mention only one... ?” “And... .” “Guess!” “You ‘ re crazy.” Chase grinned though his insides froze. “Why should, I mean... what sense would lie in this?” “Nothing to care about. It ‘ s the message, which remains.” “Message?” Chase shuddered. “But these people were ready to contaminate themselves in the end... I mean... .” It was Andrews turn to shrug. “It had been under control from the first moment on, the plan had worked out exactly as it should do. Don ‘ t pay attention to the lies the media are trying to tell you.”” “Hm,” Chase concentrated on his cigarette. “Wasn ‘ t interested that much in it.” Andrew smiled. “That ‘ s what we apprecciate here very much. You only have to know, that the organization is trying to repair, what has been destroyed in this country during the last years.” “Ok.” Chase seemed to consider the information. “I start to understand. Obviously these people are pretty powerful.” “Rely on it,” Andrew chuckled. “... and now I ‘ m taking you out for a drink, in order to make sure, you won ‘ t forget old friends.”
* * * * *
Tony sat on the edge of the couch, burying his face in his hands. “What ‘ s the matter with you?” Michelle asked him softly running her fingers through his hair. “Hadn ‘ t heard you come in,” he looked up at her and smiled slightly. “It ‘ s only... ,that I ‘ m still worried. I can ‘ t see why he isn ‘ t calling.” Michelle sat down beside him. “Probably he don ‘ t want to take a risk, let the time pass by, things calm down.” Tony let out a deep breath and looked out of the window. “This is a hell of a summer. Everybody ‘ s longing for rain, people are on the edge.” “No, Tony.” Michelle stroke his back tenderly. “You are! Don ‘ t worry too much about Jack. I know what he means to you and what you ‘ ve gone through together, that you still feel guilty for his situation.” She leant her head against his shoulder. “He always proved stronger than expected, I wouldn ‘ t wonder, if he enjoys his freedom.” Tony smiled half-hearted and laid his arm around her. “Let ‘ s hope he does,” he murmured, remembering Chloes words to well to be able to believe it.
* * * * *
“God, Jack. I ‘ ve been sick from fear.” Tony ran the last steps to the wooden shanty, isolated in the depth of the forest, hidden by large trees, who concealed the sight on the blockhouse from the few people visiting the hiking trail. He threw his backpack on the earth, panting, watching the skinny figure leaning against the house. Jack let his cigarette fall onto the ground and stepped on it indifferently, before looked up and allowed a small smile to scurry over his features. “Do you really think coming here is a good idea?” he asked, while he resisted the urge to throw himself into the other mans arms, like he ‘ d imagined during the last weeks, only to sense his desparation and loneliness growing day by day. So he had tried not to think about a meeting, convincing himself, that it would be too dangerous for both of them, stupid and egoistic, that he had to accept the thought to remain on his own. But then the night had come, he hadn ‘ t been able to face it any longer. And when he had been sitting in the darkness, empty bottles on the floor of his cheap room, a shiny new syringe lying on the table in front of him, the sight of the drug hypnotizing him, while silent tears streamed unnoticed down his cheeks, he ‘ d known, that he only still would have a choice, if he would allow himself to make the call. And Tony had known at once. There hadn ‘ t been any need to explain, to speak it out loudly, Tony had taken the weight from his shoulders with few words. He had understood, he had felt the same and though Jack had felt ashamed about his own weakness, his heart had cheered despite the tears still running down without a tiny little sign of leaving off. The coldness paralyzing his body in spite of the heat of the night, started to vanish when he listened to Tonys soft voice, speaking of his relief, of his thankfulness, of his deep and undestroyable love. And after he had laid the phone down, knowing he had to get rid of it soon, knowing he had to leave this place as quick as possible, despite of all this better knowledge, he had curled down on his shabby bed and cried properly, letting the tears and the sobs come and shake him, until he finally had held nothing more inside him. And Tony had found him, had pressed on him, insisted to see him, no matter how many questions were hanging around them in the air far away from being answered. But now he stood in front of him, regarding him in silence, his face living in changing emotions. Jack could see, could feel the yearning emanating from the tall and handsome shape, sensed his intense longing, the desperate desire for his touch, but at the same time Tony stiffened. Jack received uncertain fear, a shock and suddenly sorrow transforming into a disturbing need to care. He avoided to look at him any longer, clinging to the necessity of staying rationally, whatever might happen. “I ‘ m pursued since I left Chicago,” he said. “Sooner or later someone showed up and I had to leave in a hurry.” “I know,” Tony answered low. “And you won ‘ t have to stay long here, but I ‘ ve been walking through the forest since yesterday and only met some wanderers with nothing but returning to nature in their minds.” He stepped closer. “You ‘ re safe, for now.” Jack threw his arms around his neck, shuddering, while he hid his face in the wide jacket of the dark haired. Tonys strong arms encircled him passionately and he pressed him with his body against the wooden housewall, trying to come as close as possible. And suddenly he felt whole again, healed, repaired inside, ready to take whatever his fate would demand from him.
* * * * *
Tony wound a long strand of Jacks hair, which shone copper red in the light of the flames flickering restlessly in the fire place, around his skilful fingers, regarding it in delight. “What is this?” he asked, not hiding the mocking subtone. “Huh?” Jack raised his head, he had laid comfortably against the other mans chest. “You don ‘ t like my style? Should I feel hurt now?” He grinned, stealing a short kiss from the dark haired lips. Tony smiled back. “It ‘ s just... different. I ‘ ve never seen your hair that long.” “Well,” Jack leant back.”Always trying to surprise you.” He silenced watching the fires dance. “Honestly I couldn ‘ t bring up the energy to do something with it,” he added quietly. “I know,” Tony murmered, playing softly with the smooth length, holding it against the light, watching the colour change from red to gold, glistening with every movement. “I like it, it ‘ s beautiful,” he sighed. “Wished it would stay that long.” Jack considered the suggestion. “When you ‘ re letting your hair grow, too?” “No way,” Tony responded determined. “I won ‘ t spend my days trying to comb the mess.” “Come on, Tony.” Jack teased him. “I ‘ d love to see black curls falling down your shoulders.” “Sure,” Tony rolled eyes. “Forget about it.” “I don ‘ t care.” Jacks voice suddenly became serious. “I love you no matter how you look or what you do or where you are.” They stared into the fire, listening to the wood crackling faintly while it was burning down slowly. Low, barely audible Tony finally whispered his answer, causing a distant smile curling Jacks lips. He reached for the taller mans hand, taking it in a tender grip, placing a long kiss on its inside, before he pulled it down until Tony could feel his heartbeat beneath his fingertips. Lovingly caressing Jacks chest Tony closed his eyes getting lost in the magic of the moment. “I have to leave the country.” Jack whispered. “What do you mean?” Tonys eyes shot open. “You can ‘ t!” He stated, shocked by the thought. “We ‘ ll fix it... Palmer... .” “No.” Jack imperceptibly shook his head. “It ‘ s over. I have no hope for a change anymore and... .” He paused before he spoke even lower. “I can ‘ t wait anymore, Tony. It ‘ s stupid, dangerous and it makes me crazy.” “Why?” Tony asked, moving the hand, which still had been buried in Jacks hair down to stroke his throat tenderly, a motion, he knew it would make Jack sigh. “Why now?” Jack remained silent, feeling it impossible to explain, to open his heart more than he already did. “Jack!” Tony urged him. “Please!” His fingers danced featherly over the soft skin, went down to the shoulders, over the arm, followed the lines of black ink and moved up again, releasing the earlobe, Tony wished he could bite. Jack swallowed, electrified, his nerves screaming in joy and pain without him being able to decide which of these emotions devoured him. “I can ‘ t be without you anymore,” he breathed before he could stop the words streaming out of his mouth and startled when the realization hit him what he just had confessed. He propped himself up quickly searching the familiar, suddenly sad shining eyes, he had missed too long. “I ‘ m sorry, Tony. I hadn ‘ t intended to lay this on you, it ‘ s not how it sounds.” Tony sat up straight, pulled his knees up to his chest, watching Jack, who followed his example, drawing the earth coloured cover closer to prevent the sudden cold breeze from making him shiver, though the effort remained a futile attempt.
* * * * *
They stayed silent, only the sounds of their breathing and the slowly fainting fire to be heard. In spite of the painful sting Jacks words had caused in his stomach, the constant guilt pressing heavy weights on his heart, Tony wished he could remain in this place, in this moment forever, side by side with Jack without spending a single thought on danger, future or reason. “I don ‘ t wanna be without you, either,” he finally mentioned, raising his eyes to the rough ceiling, studying the uneven surface without noticing. “But I can ‘ t... can ‘ t go with you... .” “I know, “Jack whispered, bending his head down until his hair hid the face completely. “I ‘ m not strong enough for... .” “You don ‘ t have to explain, Tony.” Jack looked up with a bitter smile. “I know your background and I know your family. We all suffer from a past we can ‘ t overcome.” Tony ran his fingers through his hair, fighting the wetness ascending behind usually emotionless eyes. “Sometimes it scares me how much you know about me.” Jack kept his smile. “You ‘ ve always been an open book to me, at least the most times.” He turned his eyes to the other man. “Catholic heir is hard to deny.” “No,” Tony shrugged. “Though I know better, there will always be the voice of my father and grandfather in my head, screaming at me, that it ‘ s a sin, what I ‘ m feeling, what we are doing.” “But it isn ‘ t,” Jack murmured. “Times are changing.” “Hopefully for the better,” Tony answered, meeting the blonds look. With a sigh he pulled him close, made him rest comfortably at his side, head leaning against his shoulder, skin touching skin. Jack snuggled near the warm body, thankful for the moment of peace. “I don ‘ t want you to go anywhere,” Tony barely moved his lips, speaking into his lovers ear, who recognized the meaning of his words without hearing them properly. “I can ‘ t stay,” he whispered back. “It kills me.” The wind howled around the house, bringing the autumn relentlessly with it. “Promise me one thing,” Tony begged at least. “Whatever you want to.” “Give me time until New Years Eve. If we hadn ‘ t seen any progress until then, I ‘ ll help you to disappear outside of the States, let you go wherever you want to go.” “You don ‘ t understand, Tony.” Jack swallowed slightly. “I ‘ m not sure, if I understand properly. But I know, that I can ‘ wait anymore. Can ‘ t wait for something to happen, for the slight possibility of a solution... can ‘ t wait... for you each day, each hour knowing how senseless, how hopeless, how stupid it is to long for you, knowing exactly with total conviction, that I should be able to let you go, but... .” He paused for an instant, closed his eyes in exhaustion. “But that ‘ s what I ‘ m not strong enough for.” They listened to the upcoming storm, whose sounds meanwhile dominated what formally could be heard, felt locked in a trap, created by a fate, which would never show enough mercy to simply let them go.
* * * * *
Hours later Tony was on his way back to civilization, breathing heavily under the weight he was carrying, the existing weight inside his backpack and the imagined one inside his mind which seemed harder to bear by far. Jack had surrendered quickly and though Tony knew, that the blond would be able to go wherever, whenever he wanted to, he also knew in perfect clearness, that Jack would stay, because it was, what he had begged him to do. He stood still, tried to shook the sense of guilt from his shoulders, the awkward feeling of having made an unforgivable fault. He knew, that there lay no sense anymore in relying on David Palmers influence, he had done what had been possible for them. With a change in the political leadership of the country, maybe things could turn out better one day and hopes concentrated on Davids brother, who pushed his career successfully. But within the next weeks or months it it wouldn ‘ t be probable, that anything could be improved. Tony tried to tell himself, that leaving the country would be the most stupid thing Jack could do. He wouldn ‘ t be able to without leaving more traces, which couldn ‘ t be eliminated, than he would ever leave inside the States, expecially because they couldn ‘ t tell yet who else, besides the Chinese government would be interested in catching him alive. Tony watched the clouds hurry over the sky, drawn by invisible powers. Coloured leaves flew up, whirled around him, enlarged his confusion, drew his thoughts in different directions. Blackness arised from one edge over the wavering trees, became bigger and more consuming, sending premonitions of disastrous future events straight into his heart, until he started to shake and shiver unvoluntarily.
* * * * *
“Wait a moment, Chuck,” Simon ordered him, putting the headset on, while watching the movements on the computer screen. “Still have a task for you.” Chase sighed and leant defeated against the door, he just had intended to open. Though he entered the organization step by step, it seemed nothing more to be, than extended drug dealing, robbery and involvement in various obscure business enterprises. He obviously had lost the patience necessary for his job, hated it be pushed around by a slimy bastard like Simon, who made no move without contacting a distant figure, which grew more mysterious each day. “Yes Sir!” He nearly bowed down, not caring that his partner in conversation couldn ‘ t see him. “No, I ‘ m sorry. We hadn ‘ t found him yet. Yes.... , no ... nobody would repeat a fault like this, the fools had been punished. Won ‘ t ever get the chance again,... no... no chance for anything, that ‘ s for sure. Nobody will ever try to play the hero, to ignore your instructions... .” Simon remained silent, wrote a note on a piece of paper, gave it to Chase, forming with his mouth an order. Chase nodded, ready to turn over the message at once, when he involuntary heard the next words, while he was closing the door silently in order to avoid disturbing the man, who still was busy in placing excuses. “We have an idea, hints to the Appalachian Trail, maybe preparations to leave the country. But whatever he does, this won ‘ t happen... yeah, I know we need Bauer, perfect for... yes.” Chase held his breath, making no further move. But the distant voice faded away, muffled, probably by a second door, Simon might have vanished behind. Chase listened attentively, his heart pounded in his chest. But it remained useless and after a moment, he decided it would look strange, if one of the men saw him lurking there. Hesitating and slowly he moved away, cursing himself because of his imagination. How many Bauers would exist alone in New York? No wonder, that one or probably more were involved in this organization, above all if it was as big as they weren ‘ t becoming tired of telling him. He tried to get rid of the thought, but couldn ‘ t prevent the images running through his mind. Pictures of Jack alive and pursued. Long buried emotions crawled over him, reached daylight and he was still to shocked to be able to stop them. What if... ? He shook his head in determination. No way, that he would let the weakness overrule him, he had never been the kind of man, who believed in weird coincidences. The most probable solution always would remain the right one. And Jack was dead, any other possibility made no sense. They had buried him, they had mourned him and to doubt the facts only would increase the pain. Chase swallowed, tried hard to get a grip on himself, when he left the dark building without knowing where he was or what he did. He pressed the forgotten paper in his fist, unable to care about his next step, while he staggered forward, blind for silent tears filling his painfully burning eyes. “Chuck!” A voice called him from the distance, but he couldn ‘ t stop moving, though he didn ‘ t know anymore about his aim, about what he was doing there. “Chuck, man, you ‘ re alright?” Andrews face came into his vision, slightly concerned and Chase suddenly felt his strong grip on his arm. “I... I ‘ m sorry,” he stuttered. “Remembered for a moment... .” Andrew looked at him questioning, nodded then. “Some demons of the past, am I right? “Sometimes they are hunting you, when you ‘ re not prepared.” Chase bent his head, stared at the paper. “Let me see this,” Andrew demanded, taking it determined from the limp hand. “That ‘ s no deal,” he mentioned, after having studied the letters. “I ‘ ve done this for Simon a thousand times.” He regarded Chase and hesitated a moment, before he pulled him aside. “Listen buddy, you ‘ re not looking good. Let me handle this and wait for me in my car, so we can talk. Whatever it is, I know the crap here... .” “No, it ‘ s nothing... ,” Chase tried to refuse, but soon felt himself led to Andrews car, where he thankfully slipped into the seat, closing his eyes, trying to shut his mind against the thoughts which threatened to overrun him. Only a minute seemed to have passed, when Andrew returned. “Nothing as good as delegating work,” he grinned, starting the motor. “Shall I drive you home? You look like you ‘ d seen a ghost.” “No.” Chase managed finally to shook his head. “Just a sudden memory hit me, and as you said... I hadn ‘ t been prepared to deal with it.” Andrew smirked. “I ‘ ve always said, you ‘ re holding something back. That ‘ s never good, comes out in the worst moment you can imagine.” “Yes,” Chase swallowed. “It ‘ s only that I don ‘ t want... I can ‘ t... think about it, it ‘ s too painful.” He turned his head, stared out of the window, to hide the tears, which started to run down his cheeks. He pressed his eyes shut, cursing the reason for his break down, concentrated desperately on his breathing, hoping, that he would be able to rebuild his strength. Andrew made a clicking noise with his tongue, before he went on talking. “I know, what you mean. Lost my brother, when I ‘ ve been a child, has been my hero. Hadn ‘ t cried for a year, remained strong, tried to prove something. Then one day, I saw these kids playing basketball, and the one, who played in his usual position... he looked like him.” He threw a glance at Chase who made no effort to change his position. “Result is, I broke down completely... .” He paused. “Needed some time to deal with my sorrow. I mean... don ‘ t want to intrude..., but maybe you ‘ d lost someone, too, recently. Would explain some things.” They drove silently until Andrew stopped in front of the building containing Chases small apartment. “I suggest you grab some sleep, right Chuck?” “Ok,” Chase agreed, but couldn ‘ t bring himself to make a move. “Oh boy,” Andrew rolled eyes, went out of the car, surrounded it in order to help Chase out from the other side. “I ‘ m fine,” Chase refused, when he felt the other man tug him outside. “I know,” Andrew replied, still offering support. “But you owe me a drink now, promise?” “I promise, “Chase answered low and went forward slowly, feeling tons of weight holding him in place. “You know... ?” He suddenly turned back. “I ‘ ve got some whiskey up there. Maybe you want the drink now?” “Won ‘ t say no to a free drink,” Andrew grinned, laying friendly his hand on the other mans shoulder, pushing him steadily forward.
* * * * *
“So, you wanna tell me now?” He asked, when they sat in front of two glasses in Chases apartment which wasn ‘ t more than a room with an integrated tiny attempt of a kitchen. Chase hesitated, taking one gulp at first, then shook his head. “No need to, I ‘ m okay. But thanks for your help anyway.” Andrew leant back comfortably, looking around. “Have never been in your home before and I think I know why.” He smiled, before he raised his glass to his lips. “You ‘ ve a nicer home, I guess,” Chase shrugged. “Thinking about wife and kids.” “Yeah, I ‘ m blessed,” Andrew let out his breath. “Knew her from kindergarden, became pregnant with fourteen, left school and married with fifteen and that ‘ s the story.” “But you still are with her.” “Took my responsibility. And you? Family somewhere?” “A child, my cousin volunteered to care for her, because I couldn ‘ t anymore.” “The mother?” “Left me, like my girlfriend. I ‘ m not that good in relationships.” He sighed. “To be honest, I left them before they could left me.” Andrew raised his eyebrows. “Thought so, got some vibes.” “What do you mean,” Chase asked before he took another gulp. “Come on man, it ‘ s obvious, at least to me.” “What?” “Significant behaviour. You had grown up in the bible belt area, me on the streets. Pressure here and there, you needed to prove that you ‘ re a man.” “Shut up,” Chase hissed. “You don ‘ t know anything.” “Really?” Andrew spoke quietly. “If I was asked, I would suppose, that your boyfriend left you, hurt you deep, so you have no intention to open up ever again.” “Stop it!” Chases voice sounded hoarsely, the words stuck in his throat, refused to come out. “It ‘ s not... .” “What is it?” Andrew whispered tenderly, leant forward laying his free hand on Chases knee. “He ‘ s... he ‘ s dead.” Chase sobbed suddenly, unable to maintain control any longer. “He ‘ s dead and I can ‘ t do anything about it.” The glass slipped from his fingers, but the only thing he noticed were arms holding him, pulling him in a soft embrace, an embrace, he had longed for without knowing it, comfort he had desired since he ‘ d been together with Jack this special night. And he lost himself in the touch, allowed himself to be held, to be healed, to be cared for, until he contained no more tears to cry, until he collapsed in exhaustion, united with the first man, who seemed to understand him completely.
* * * * *
Jack knew what he had to do. He knew why he had given in so easily. He had known it for weeks. It was an inevitable act, the logical conclusion. He hated himself for not being stronger, but he knew, that there was only one way for him to bear the pain any longer. He would stay, he would wait, he would run and hide as long as he was asked to. But he couldn ‘ t do it without some help. The fight had lasted long enough, it was over now, he knew it. And the winner laid in front of him on the table and waited patiently. Just a moment and he would be redeemed, at least for some hours, maybe more, maybe less, depending on his next actions. He regarded the familiar stuff spread out, glistening in the spare autumn light, ...shivered in anticipation... .
* * * * *
Tony ran, his insides burnt, his heart pounded and each breath set his lungs in flames. Nevertheless he ran like a madman, let each weight, which slowed him, drop down on the ground, threw it away, his rucksack, his jacket ... until he moved freely, not knowing what fear it was, that forced him to took up speed, to run as if his life depended on it.
* * * * *
“Do you wanna talk about him?” Chase shook his head silently. “Sometimes it can help.” “No,” Chase hesitated. “It ‘ s been complicated.” He sighed. “Very complicated, I can ‘ t understand myself how or why we could get into all this trouble.” Andrew pulled him closer, ran his left hand through Chases soft hair, while he was stroking the younger mans waist with the right one. He blew against a dark curl. “I like it, that you ‘ re letting it grow. Makes you look friendlier.” Chase smiled slightly. “Not exactly what I had intended.” “Keep it this way, promise... .” Chase shrugged. “Don ‘ t know.” He tried to change the subject. “So how are you doing this, your family and all... I mean... .” “I keep my space and so does my wife. She doesn ‘ t know everything about me as I have no idea what she ‘ s doing the whole day. So we ‘ re getting along really well.” He paused. “She hasn ‘ t to know what I ‘ m doing for a living. I ‘ m glad, she asks no questions.” Thoughtfully Andrew studied Chases face. “But I guess, that ‘ s not what you would expect from a partnership.” Chase considered his words, took Andrews rough hand into his and regarded the warm dark skin emitting a sweet scent, reminding him of coffee and chocolate. He kissed the brighter inside of each graceful finger, remembering the way they had brought him to life again and again, chasing away his sorrow at least for some precious and unforgettable moments. When he wasn ‘ t answering, Andrew went on speaking. “You seem to me more like the kind of guy, who wants all or nothing, am I right?” Chase let more time pass, before he let out a shaking breath. “Honestly, I have no idea anymore, what I wanted once, besides... besides the one thing I couldn ‘ t get.” “Because he passed away?” Andrew asked softly. Chase closed his eyes, felt the familiar pain reach his heart again, press it together until he winced, tried to change his position, only to feel the increasing hurt turning his insides out, nearly causing him to throw up as an inevitable reaction to the short time, he had forgotten, what tortured him restlessly. “Easy boy,” Andrew supported him, helped him set upright, stroke his back lazily. “You don ‘ t have to talk, I ‘ m sorry, man.” “No,” Chase looked down, enjoyed the touch of those beautiful strong hands, caressing him tenderly. He swallowed hard. “It ‘ s... I never had... he has never been mine... he always... .” He leant back against the lean body embracing him carefully. “I never knew how much I wished him to be my own... how much I longed for him... until he... .” Andrew nodded patiently, started to softly massage Chases shoulders, before he encircled his muscular chest, moved his fingers featherly up and down, nearly unnoticable like a soft breeze, blowing over his oversensitive skin. “If I had known before... .” “But you hadn ‘ t.” Andrew whispered into his ear. “Some things can ‘ t be changed, and we can only hope to understand afterwards why they had happened.” “Why they had happened?” Chase repeated bitterly. “Don ‘ t offer me this spiritual shit, Andrew, I won ‘ t take it.” He turned round in the other mans arms. “If you wanna help me, there is another way, only one way to do it now.” “I think I know what you mean,” Andrew smirked, lowering his mouth on the young agents lips, but before he could cover the welcoming curves with his own, Chase moved them again. “Make me scream, Andrew,” he whispered huskily. “Make me forget... please... .” And Andrew smiled, when he closed Chases mouth in a deep kiss, moved his lean body against the slim shape gliding beneath him, sucked forcefully his breath, his pain, each dark thought out of his mind, allowing Chase to flee his past, to flee reality for this one single night.
* * * * *
Tony broke through the closed door, stumbling and falling on the floor, crawled up quickly, struggled and jumped forward. Felt like moving in slow motion, when he reached out desperately, met Jacks disturbing hollow eyes for a scaring instant, before he pushed the shimmering needle out of shivering hands. Breathing heavily he drew the pale figure into his arms, holding him tighter, than he ever did before, convinced that he would never be able to let him go. “What are you doing, Jack,” he managed to croak huskily, when his heart had finally slowed down enough to allow him to speak. Jack shuddered in his arms. “You were not supposed to see that,” he answered, his voice trembling uncontrolled. Tony let go, leaning back, hiding his face behind his arms. “You stupid son of a bitch! I would never forgive you... I would never forgive me... .” Jack bent forward, burying his face in his hands. “Not your fault. It has nothing to do with you, when I ‘ m too weak... .” “You ‘ re not weak,” Tony burst in anger. “You ‘ d carried this shit with you. How long are you... how long does it go like this?” He grabbed Jacks arm, freed it from the rubber, stroke the soft skin. “You hadn ‘ t, had you?” “No.” Jack still wasn ‘ t able to look at him. “But you wanted. How long were you planning it. What the hell is running through your damned stubborn mind... .” Tony silenced suddenly, leant back beside the other man, rubbing his temple forcefully as if this movement could help him to calm down. They sat there for what seemed an eternity, before Tony turned over, pulled the hand from Jacks face revealing the tears streaming down his features, without a sound escaping his lips. “I ‘ m sorry, Jack.” He sighed. “I didn ‘ t meant to be so harsh. It ‘ s ..., I can ‘ t imagine how hard it must be for you,... I ‘ m only thinking about... .” Jack shook his head. “I know it ‘ s difficult for you.” “Jack!” Tony searched for his eyes, shining big and dark in the cold white face. He caught them with his soft brown ones, tried to send warmth and care with his look, before he approached the smaller figure again, this time very slowly and tenderly, pulling him carefully and lovingly into a soft embrace, laying all his love in the touch. “You won ‘ t get away with this, you know it,” he whispered into the other mans ear. “What do you mean?” Jack mumbled, closing his eyes, clinging to the taller shape, melting in his arms. “I mean, that you ‘ re coming with me now, that I won ‘ t let you go, that we ‘ ll find a place, where I can keep an eye on you. And we won ‘ t discuss, this is fact,” he added, when he sensed Jack stiffen in his embrace. “That sounds more than stupid.” “The only stupid thing would be to let you here on your own, no way, this won ‘ t happen.” “I ‘ m not... Tony... ?” “You know better than me, that there are places not far from L.A., hidden places in the desert, where no one cares about his neighbour. And after all this time, nobody would think about you returning there. It might be the safest place on earth for you.” “I don ‘ t think... .” “No thinking anymore, Jack. No fear, no doubt. There is no other way.” He bent down, kissing hungrily Jacks neck, who arched back immediately, unable to suppress a gasp, making Tony smile, although the sadness around them still seemed to remain impenetrable like a gigantic black cloud. “I ‘ ll show you something,” he whispered, before he fumbled under his shirt, undid the small chain he weared around his throat. He held it in front of them, turning it, until the little light from outside was caught in the surface of the unpretentious silver cross. “A talisman. My grandpa gave it to me. I ‘ m carrying it with me often, but today I weared it for the first time.” He hesitated. “And when I went away from you, it started to burn, it hurt me physically.” Tony closed his hand around it. “Imagination does strange things to our minds, but I feel, that you should take it now.” He took Jacks hand, let the chain slid inside it, before he pulled it to his lips. “Take it as a part from me, as a proof, that I will always come back to you, that you won ‘ t be alone again.” Eyes locked, melt into each other, when arms reached out, limbs entangled in a feverish dance, fingers started frantic movements, pressing, rubbing, gliding over hot bodies sinking down, not noticing the small silver symbol getting lost in the heat, falling silently on the ground, mirroring the last rays radiating through the room, before darkness swallowed them.