Elena Gilbert (wingsofanangel) wrote in atlantiscomm, @ 2011-08-08 03:45:00 |
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Entry tags: | elena gilbert - wingsofanangel |
[Filtered from book!Damon, book!Stefan and book!Elena]
I think I'd have preferred if this was the Dark Dimension.
[Private]
Dear Diary,
I wish I had my real diary here, with the crisp blank pages that I can pour my heart out onto. I always feel better when I have a pen in my hand and a clean page. It makes me feel better, somehow. Although I'm not sure even that could make me feel better right now. Only a few hours ago I had a purpose. I was going to the Dark Dimension to rescue Stefan so I could carry on living life as I'd planned. I know Plan A never really works out, but that's what Plans B and C are for. But even Meredith couldn't have planned for this. Everything has changed. Even before I came here, everything was different.
I spent the night with Damon last night. In our hotel room. I don't know why it happened but... it was amazing. When he kissed me, it felt like sparks were racing through my whole body - sparks and fireworks and lightning. It was like nothing I've ever felt before - even with Stefan. I hate myself for saying that, but it's the truth. I don't know what it means - I love Stefan - but it happened. I hardly even felt it when he bit me. It was just pleasure and no pain at all. I'm used to being bitten now, but there's always that initial sting. At least, there always was before.
But now, here, Damon doesn't even remember it. I thought, at first, that Shinichi was still messing with his memory, but it's not that. He isn't even my Damon. He's from another time which, in itself, is hard for me to get my head around. We went through so much together, not only with the Kitsune twins, but since then too - the road trip, Matt leaving us, him teaching my to channel my powers, last night... I'd gotten used to him not remembering everything since he met Shinichi, which was bad enough, but now he doesn't remember anything since Klaus. I didn't realise it would hurt so much.... I thought he'd at least remember last night - everything we did - everything we shared. But no. He's the old Damon. The one with the soul encased in stone, guarded by a scared, cold little boy who's never known love.
It wouldn't be so bad if I could talk to Stefan, but he's with someone else here. Granted, she's me, but at the same time she's not me. That me died so long ago. It really was another lifetime. She's so young, and he's with her. He prefers the more simple version of me, and I can't really blame him, especially after what I did with his brother. I know he doesn't know about that, but I do. I still love him, so much, but I don't know if I'd be able to look him in the eye and tell him everything could go back to the way it was, even if he wasn't with her.
I feel so alone. Things like this don't happen to me. I'm Elena Gilbert. I have a few enemies and a few more non-friends, but no one's chosen another girl over me for.... well, never! Even when Stefan was resisting me at the beginning, and I thought he preferred Caroline, it wasn't true. He wanted me. And Damon wanted me. And Matt wanted me. Hell, even Tyler Smallwood wanted me before Stefan kicked his ass. It feels horrible to know that the man I love is with someone else, even if she's another me.
I could probably get him back... But I don't even know if I want to. I guess, because she's Elena too, she's part of the Veloceraptor Sisterhood, and that means something to me. Besides, she's friends with my friends, and Stefan loves her. I don't want to make them miserable. The old me probably wouldn't have cared, but I've changed. God, I've changed. More than I ever intended to.
So I guess I'll just have to make do and try to settle in here. At least I guess I don't have to hide from people any more. No more boys' shirts and baseball caps. I wish that made me feel better than it does...
~Elena
[/Private]