dfasgiles (dfasgiles) wrote in asperger, @ 2007-12-23 16:49:00 |
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Current mood: | contemplative |
What I've learned about myself
This is what I have learned about myself in the past 2 years through therapy, research, and experience (this is the most I've shared about this):
I have Asperger syndrome (high-functioning autism), which is complicated by severe depression. The 2 together make for a very, very complicated existence.
Autism causes a hindrance of interpretation of communication going in, as well as a hindrance of communicating thoughts correctly verbally. Even those of us who have "high-functioning" autism have issues with this in varying degrees, whether it be with possessing the incorrect meaning for a word in our vocabulary from learning that word through context or with just being unable to express ourselves smoothly because of the strong urge to find just the right word before speaking. (I have a combination of both those issues.)
Depression causes a tendency toward the defensive and/or negative interpretation of anything that comes down the pike toward these eyes and/or ears. Through therapy and experience, I have, for the most part, been able to self-talk myself around this issue, but it is still a problem on occasion, especially if I am unable to see any other interpretation of the words before me but a negative one...or if I have happened to forget my Prozac or even if I haven't and am just having a really, really bad low (like I am right now) because of a compound of life circumstances.
Depression also causes me to do 1 of 2 things in my own defense when I make this negative interpretation: I either lash out at whoever made the alleged negative gesture/comment or I withdraw from the world completely. Both are bad, but the latter keeps something from happening that will make me even more depressed because...
Autism can lead to losing control of oneself for a period of time. This comes in 2 forms (that I have observed in myself--there may be others in other auties/Aspies), both feeding off the 2 things mentioned in the previous paragraph:
1. Losing control in the form of a tantrum, either vocal, verbal, or physical. (Mine are generally verbal--sometimes a combination of vocal and verbal when I get pushed too far by badgering, a compounding of circumstances throughout the day, etc.)
2. Losing control in the form of withdrawing into myself so that no one can communicate with me, not even myself (or sometimes just barely), even if they scream at me or threaten to bodily move me. This version is very similar to a petit mal seizure (appearing to stare into space while being completely unconscious of the world around you), except I am fully conscious and can hear and see everything going on around me; I am merely paralyzed with fear, anger, or some other emotion that has taken me beyond my brain's ability to handle the extreme to which the emotion has gone at that moment.
I have often questioned, since the frequency of the last 2 autistic behaviors became more apparent in the last 2 years, if I merely started behaving this way because of my diagnosis of "Asperger syndrome complicated by severe depression." I'm fairly certain there are others who wonder the same thing. I did a self check into the past once I realized the possibility.
I never exhibited these behaviors as often, but they did show at times. I remember blowing up at a couple of peers in high school and/or college--not sure if they were friends or just fellow classmates or roommates, as several seizures during those years have fuzzed my memories a bit. This "blowing up" I'm talking about, by the way, is much more than your average young adult snit. I'm speaking of screaming-from-the-back-of-the
-throat-at-top-volume, roaring-so-no-one-can-understand-what-yo
The withdrawal thing hasn't exhibited itself much because I haven't been in many situations that would put me in such a state of mind. I do remember that occasionally the above screaming fits resulted from someone pushing me out of what I saw at the time as a stubborn silence--as did they. Perhaps, if I were able to remember those times better, I would realize those were actually withdrawals into myself; if it was a situation
bad enough to make me scream, it was probably also a situation bad enough to make me withdraw.
The conclusion I drew after my self examination through time was, indeed, I have exhibited these behaviors previously...if not as often. I think, perhaps, they have increased in frequency because there has been an increase in stressors since my being diagnosed--not the least of which is the fact that I have a disorder for which there is currently no cure, and it is the reason for many of the problems I've had over the years...and isn't that a cheery thought? No, no stressor there at all.
Of course, there are ways I can learn to get around some of the issues I have because of the disorder...but they involve unlearning the behaviors my mind learned for 35 years before being diagnosed. That is no easy task, especially when I have people in the world who are working against me because I have one of the "invisible disabilities," and they feel I should adapt to the world, rather than it adapting to me. I would if I could, folks. I would if I could. Or, in some cases: give me time, folks. Give me time. I've only had 2 years to learn after 35 years of going unchecked. That is not long at all.
This is not to say, of course, that I received no direction of social correctness from my parents. I was taught how to hold my silverware correctly, sit up straight, chew with my mouth closed at the table, etc., when I was very young. Besides, if I didn't chew with my mouth closed, my brother would pop me on the head with his class ring turned upside down. (A little humor, there. Besides, when I realized it bothered him, I'd chew with my mouth open on purpose and cry to Daddy when he hit me. Kids will be kids. My brother and I are now very close.)
Still, there are certain nuances of social correctness and sensibilities the human animal is assumed to learn on its own: body language, appropriate verbal exchange with peers--even something as simple as how to tell a clinician has tacitly ended your appointment. (I learned from my psychologist it is when they stand up and walk across the room to gather your paperwork.) Most people would know these things merely from
life experience. I don't. I have to be told. Otherwise, I look like a complete fool, I test people's patience, and, unfortunately, I often seem to make people angry.
This is where I need the world to help me learn to adapt. It doesn't help me to have backs turned on me, to get doors slammed in my face, to get fired, to get banned. What helps is for someone to say, "Try (this) for a while and see what happens," or "(That) doesn't seem to be working well. Why don't you try (this) instead." If I argue, which I very well might because I come from a long line of proud people, just tell me you're trying to help me learn something about myself. If that doesn't work, tell me I'm shooting myself in the foot.
If I should blow up about something that wasn't meant in a negative way, that is such an easy thing to fix! All you have to say is: "Okay, Carol, chill. I didn't mean to upset you. Tell me what you think I said." That is the simplest and best way to let me know my depression has run away with me--an issue of which I'm very aware--and to get an interpretive dialogue going to solve that issue.
I hope I have helped you understand me better. I know this has been very therapeutic for me to type. Thank you for your very, very patient attention!