Ask Rose

I graduated from college a year ago but because jobs were scarce in my field, I took a job at Starbucks for the awesome health insurance. I’ve been job searching for the last year while working, but nothing has turned up. My job pays bills and has great benefits, but this is definitely not what I want to do with my life. Yesterday I got offered a job as a receptionist/admin at a real estate agency. Some of my skills and interests match the position, but now I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to leave my current minimum wage job for a position I could’ve gotten out of high school…did I really go to college for 4 years, graduate with honors, just to work as an admin? On the other hand, I’m interested in getting into the business world and working somewhere that I can move up in the company. Plus I’d like to have a more stable, age-appropriate job than a barista. What do you think? Is it a good idea to take this opportunity, given that it won’t make use of my degree, but will provide me with business-world experience?

Dear Rose,

I'm a 40-something straight male married to a 40-something straight female who happens to be my second cousin and a psychotic screaming harpy. Mostly, things are pretty good with my marriage. I mean, admittedly, I'm somewhat afraid that she'll kill me in my sleep, but most of the time it's only somewhat.

We both come from an extremely old and wealthy family - the same one, because we're second cousins. When we got married, she didn't have to change her last name. I cope with this situation by being an alcoholic lothario. My wife is okay with that, but she does threaten my life slightly more often when the indiscretions occur. We've only had sex three times during the course of our marriage - an arrangement that is ideal for both of us - once as a pro forma consummation of our marriage, and twice to produce heirs. We have two children together, but one of them eventually neglected the family code and ran away to be a homosexual in what we assume is a boy band. His uncle was also a homosexual, and this, I believe, is where he caught it from.

What can we do to prevent our second child from suffering a similar fate?

Sincerely,
Toujours Pur

I don't really know why I am writing you. Well, it's not something I can put in to words. There is this problem I am having and it's making it hard for me to think of little else.

My grandpa died two days ago and since then all I've felt is this sorta numbness. Other things have been happening that have made me angry, but that situation is temporarily resolved and now I'm no longer angry. Without that anger, I've got this hole inside me and it's starting to hurt. And when I think about it, that makes the pain more noticeable. I don't want to think about it any more but without something to distract me it keeps coming back in my mind. I believe this to be my grief.

My grandpa, I only knew him for like 15 years. We're not related but by marriage. See, he married my grandmother back in 95, but I was 12 then. I hadn't seen my other real grandpa in 4 years. He's dead too, been 9 years now. Thing is, I'm the only one whose been close to him in all my family.

We used to play checkers and collect coins. He played his violin for me on occasion. I miss that. It's been years since he could remember well enough to try.

He had Alzheimers Disease and cancer. It was in stage 4 before they even knew he had it. I didn't get the chance to see him one last time before he died. It wasn't really him because of the disease, I know, but still.

Dear Rose, I hate this. Last time I felt like this was when I thought my mother was dying. I've lost enough people in my life. When will it stop?

I have to go to the funeral in a few hours. I hope to have the strength to make it through the service with those people. They didn't love him, I did. You cannot love someone you do not know. I cared for him and I will miss him something terrible.

I still don't know why I am writing this, but I guess it's just something I needed to do.

Thank you for listening,
Writer

Oh, my. I am so sorry that I didn't answer your questions sooner. Things have been so hectic lately.

I have been so busy. Have you ever been lost in your own thoughts and then forget how to get back? Well, that happens to me a lot lately. I would be worried that it was a symptom of something larger if I hadn't done this when I was younger. No, it's just that I sometimes get so busy, I forget that there is something else I need to be doing.

Well, I am back now, and I am answering questions like a pro. So, go on, ask me anything!

Dear Rose,

I have a problem. A huge problem. I think I'm in love... with two different people.

See, I've been in love with the same man since I was practically a child. Recently, I discovered the feeling was mutual for him, and we got together and got married.

After we were married, I explained to him that I had certain... curiosities. Curiosities he was glad to help me explore. These curiosities led to us inviting a friend of ours, a female friend, into our... private affairs. Since then, things have escalated a bit, and I've actually become involved with this friend. My husband knows it, and he's not angry about it, but we haven't exactly discussed it. But now, it's gone a little bit farther than involvement, I think.

I'm not completely positive, but I think I'm in love with her. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much. He means more than anything to me. But I feel something for her, too. My husband knows, and he's not angry about it, but I can tell he's not happy, either. And what more, I'm pregnant now. I'm carrying his baby. And I feel... so guilty. I'm pregnant. I'm supposed to be monogamous. He's the only one I'm supposed to want to be with. But I want to be with her, too. It feels so right, and yet it feels so wrong at the same time.

I... I'm just not sure what to do anymore.

Sincerely and tearfully,
Sleepless in Smallville

Dear Rose,

I have a problem. In fact, I'm not even quite sure where to start with describing it. I have this friend, you see. Well, we are not even friends. We are kind of friends. Maybe. Well, we said we were friends and that's all well and good, but we argue all the time.

The fact of the matter is that we really shouldn't be friends in the first place. To begin with, we're from rival sections of our school which aren't really supposed to like each other. In fact, I'm fairly certain that all of his friends hate me, and all of my friends hate him. Furthermore, his father is a follower of the Dark Lord, who was responsible for the murders of my uncle, his wife, his three young children, and my grandparents. And my aunt, of whom I was very fond. In fact, his father might have killed some of my relatives. I'm not entirely certain. Because I'm a notorious blood traitor and his father is in the Dark Lord's service, I think you can understand why we can't even be seen in public together. Everyone would probably hate us. No one even knows that we talk to each other.

I feel really guilty about lying to almost everyone I know and keeping secrets, and I wish that I didn't have to pretend as though I hate him. I wish that everyone could just know that we get along, but then, sometimes I wonder if it's wise to speak to him in the first place. You see, even though I wouldn't like to admit it, the fact of the matter is that he is really kind of racist and hates people who aren't like him. Except me. Apparently I am special, and even though he insists otherwise, I think it might be because I have large breasts. And then, we were at his house hanging out and his dad found us and slapped him. It was really very traumitising and I feel guilty about the whole affair. I don't like knowing that I was responsible for him getting hurt, even though technically, it was only because I exist and was hanging around the house.

Would it be better of me to step off? And do you think that it's possible for me to make him see the error of his racist ways? If he likes me, he can't be all bad... right?

Sincerely,
Frazzledpuff

Rose,

I think this boy likes me because he's been flirting with me quite a bit. However, he's kinda mean and tells racist jokes and has really creepy eyes.

To me though, he's rather nice and I think if I talked to him more I could find out the mean things he plans on doing and try to stop them before he does them.

What should I do?

- Questioning Twin

Dear Rose,

I have been egregiously insulted by an impertinent whelp of a boy who has, in his two decades on this earth, proved most unwilling to learn how to keep his mouth closed. I want very much to see that extensive and permanent violence is done to his person, but find myself in a bit of a quandary--is it acceptable to ask my husband to brutally maim someone who is, ostensibly, our ally? I mean this in only the most nominal sense of course--no one who had our true interests at heart could behave like this boy does, and yet I'm afraid there are some who would find it not quite politic to brutally murder him. What are the acceptable channels for defending my honour when one must always be aware of maintaining favour?

Thank you ever so much for your time and consideration!

J.

Rose I em hungre but i kno that it iz not leegal to eet children.


but i want to



what do i do rose?

Sinseerli,
Olde Hags r hungree two.

Dear Rose,

I consider myself a cute, intelligent and fun-loving girl. I have known ‘G’ for many years and I consider him one of my closest friends. I am a normally outgoing girl but the idea of telling him that I fancy him makes me break out in hives and freeze up like Peeves just dropped cold water on me or something. I feel like maybe it would be better for both of us if I just told him how I feel about him. I know it certainly wouldn’t hurt my ability to concentrate in class which is fleeting at best these days!

Every time I start to open my mouth to tell him how I feel it comes out as a joke about us being together in the future and while he plays along it really isn’t all that funny. I really don’t want to write him a letter about it either because that seems sort of fourth year. I’m sort of running a deadline here. Mucking around much longer isn’t going to cut it. There is a war going on and one or both of us could get killed tomorrow and I really don’t want to die a virgin. I wish I knew how to make him take me seriously as a love interest instead of just the girl who is a friend. I mean, I’m happy I’m his friend but I would be more than down with getting some benefits out of it.

An additional problem is that his best friend ‘G²’ is always around. I think fondly of ‘G²’ but it makes the potential for any sort of move happening non-existent. I don’t see ‘G’ doing anything in front of his best friend and I probably wouldn’t do anything either. My question is how I can I get ‘G²’ to bugger off so I can have some uninterrupted alone time with ‘G’? Also, how do I go about encouraging ‘G’ to make a move on me short of a love potion? Would it make me a tacky whore if I made the first move?

HELP!

Sincerely,

Hopeless At Hogwarts

Dear Rose,

I have a problem. In spite of my many insistences otherwise, a lot of people that I know seem to think that I am a slut. Sure, I joke about sex a lot, but I wouldn't actually do it with any of these people! I have only had sex with one bloke.

Speaking of said one bloke, things are rather complicated between us at the moment. We dated for a while last year and broke up -- it was mostly my fault, seeing as my aunt who was practically like my mother was brutally murdered by the Dark Lord last summer and dealing with the grief as well as having his dick inside me was too much all at once. But now I find myself randomly "hooking up" with him at my whims. We still get along well, but I'm thinking perhaps that this isn't a good idea. He doesn't seem to mind and we did go out and it's rather nice, but my brother tells me that I'm using sex as an escape method.

Thank you for your advice.
Not At All Slutty

I am sorry I did not answer your questions yesterday, I was indisposed at the moment. Really, it's quite a long story, but I'm not sure you would like to hear it. And if I get to telling it, I probably won't get around to answering your questions.

So, without further complications, hopefully, I will start on them.

In the mean time, who wants cookies and ice cream?

Dear Rose,

I feel really weird asking you for advice, because normally I either obsess quietly to myself until whatever is bothering me eats me alive, or I have a random outburst about something unrelated that makes people worry for my mental stability.

This situation, however, is beyond obsessing or outbursts. I need your help.

There is a very nice boy who I think is interested in courting me but might not be good enough for my parents as a potential husband. I like him well enough, though, or at least as well as a girl of my status should like a potential husband. I am worried, however, that as long as I still had a womb, status, and money, he would court me even if I had the face of a hatchet and the wits of a dead fish. I think this because he has shown an interest in literally every other girl around me, regardless of what they are like. And trust me, Rose, there is no way a man of any particular preference could be attracted to the type of girl I am and the type of girl my friends are. Everyone has a type, but his seems to be female and wealthy.

At the same time, I feel inexplicably drawn to a much older man--I guess you would sort of call him a mentor, or at least an adviser of sorts. He has crazy hair and he literally could be my father, but I feel as if there are all sorts of unseen forces pushing me to marry him. I don't understand where they come from or how this started, but they exist and I can't ignore them.

What should I do, Rose? Marry the older man I know nothing about who has wooly hair and I'm fairly certain is older than my father, or marry the younger, more suitable suitor who doesn't seem to have any desire to want me and me alone?

Sincerely,
Stuck Between a Jerk and an Old Place.

Dear Rose,
Hello again. It has been some time since our last correspondence and I am thrilled to report that I have turned out not to be a homosexual.

Sadly, this leads directly into my current predicament. You see, I am courting a very fine young lady, let us call her A., but I do not think she likes me very much. Besides that, I have heard whispers that a young man who is much more impressive than I am has his eyes on her. She has been present for me following my best friend's sudden disappearance and untimely demise, but I feel as though she is only doing so because her father likes me enough that he kidnapped me, which means that we now live together and that it would be horribly awkward if I were losing my head with grief the way that everyone apparently expects of me. How I grieve is none of their business really, but that is another discussion altogether. I digress.

So, I am courting A., but I have recently met this other girl, whom we shall call G. G. and I met under less-than-romantic circumstances -- her brother had been badly injured and I saved his life -- but she likes me quite well. She was my first kiss and, were it not for the fact that I could hardly risk sullying her chastity and reputation, I would gladly have taken her to bed. The fact that we did not sleep together was honestly not due to either of us not wishing to or being unable to do so; I simply would not want people calling her a scarlet woman and, increasingly, she has been preoccupying my thoughts, if you understand my meaning.

Is this natural, Rose? Moreover, when faced with the prospect of these two women, which one would be the better pick -- the one who doesn't like me, but who has a father who could kill me if he wished; or the one who, while she is not as socially acceptable as the other, finds my romantic gestures moving and is otherwise fond of me?

Many thanks,
Left My Heart Somewhere Between Paris and Moscow.

Rose,

So. I don't generally like asking other people for advice but I'm in a bit of a predicament and thought maybe you could help me out.

You see, a very good friend of mine and I are a part of a band of vigilantes dedicated to fighting the forces of evil in the world. In September, there was a battle at a school where we were involved, along with the Evil Vigilantes and law enforcement. I was having a pretty good day, considering I was in the middle of a raging fucking battle, until I stumbled upon said friend (let's call her Darlene) battling with the man who killed her entire family a few months back. Said man (let's call him Rudolph) was about to beat her to pieces, it seemed, so I disengaged him.

Darlene, Rudolph, and I had a bit of a skirmish and things were getting rather heated, as they tend to do when you're battling racist scum who killed your entire family. Rudolph slammed Darlene up against a tree and she was helpless and indisposed. I decided that I was going to attempt a very bad spell (I shan't name it because I don't want law enforcement knocking down my door) in an attempt to torture him. Clever Rudolph held Darlene in front and my spell hit her instead, causing her a considerable amount of pain (albeit on accident).

I then rather matter-of-factly told Rudolph that I was going to kill him. He said that if I wanted to, I'd have to kill Darlene first. Now, keep in mind that Rudolph is a very large man and Darlene is at best an averaged sized girl and he could have just snapped her neck like a rag doll at this point. I wanted to kill him and save her, so I tried to think of how. Finally Rudolph let Darlene and me go and I, most unfortunately, didn't get to kill him.

Now, Darlene is understandably quite upset with me having tortured her and all, but I apologised a lot and that was months ago. Things seemed to have gotten better, as for ages she wouldn't speak to me, but she still gives me dark looks whenever Rudolph's name is mentioned (which, unfortunately, is a lot).

I don't understand how to fix my relationship with my friend. Is there anything more I can do?!

Signed,
Troubled Torturer

Dear Rose,

A friend of mine, who I'm not really supposed to associate with much anymore for complicated reasons (namely that he wished to court me, which I was entirely amenable to, but my father was not, and now I am married to someone who is on reflection far better for me, as much as I miss my friend) seems rather apathetic to the whole idea of Christmas. His mother died recently and he lives alone with his cat. He has never had very much money and his home is not very... decorative, to say the least. Do you think it would be inappropriate to, possibly anonymously, send him a parcel of beautiful things to brighten up his surroundings? I worry about him being alone at Christmas.

Dear Rose,

How, precisely, does one escape to a convent if one wished to?

Alternatively, what is the most efficient way for one to fake the displeasure of an orgasm while said orgasm is occurring?

Most Sincerely,
Unwilling Incubator

Deer Rose


I kant spel and peeple mak fun uf me for it.


what kan i do? it hertz mi feilings.


Sinseerli,
Olde Hags hav feilings two

Dear Rose,

A while back I asked about three girls that I was interested in. And I must say that 'the heart wants what it wants' is very unhelpful? HOWEVER, I am back and trying again, because I am desperate.

So let's catch up: the society girl that I was interested in, is now married.

The hippie is rather dead (damn werewolves).

And the woman I've loved since I was in primary school is rather pregnant with the spawn of the devil (otherwise known as her husband).

So I haven't had any sex since like, August(?) And I'm a little lonely. And I seem to be bad luck to women. There's a girl I've been flirting with a bit, but she doesn't really seem to trust me, or really anyone. Is it totally horrible of me to just ask her for sex, but her not become my girlfriend?

Solitary At Spinner's End

P.S. What do I say to the pregnant love of my life who is, unfortunately, not pregnant with MY child when she says things like 'isn't it wonderful', when obviously, the fact that she is pregnant with devil spawn, is not something that should be celebrated? Do I tell her the truth? Because as much as I would not wish to hurt her feelings, I feel as if she should know this is not a good thing before she is startled in eight months or whatever.

So Rose.

I'm afraid I'm at odds with myself. You see, I am...well, I can't particularly put it to words. Attracted to? Infatuated with? A woman. Well, perhaps more a girl than a woman. But regardless, I find myself vexed. She's in prison, you see, for a crime she didn't commit.

Here's the real problem, one of the women responsible for imprisoning my friend is the former love of my dearest friend. I'd quite like to murder her, and painfully, if I could, but I do have an honor code, warped as it may be. I don't wish to hurt my friend, or anger him, or risk my well-being by acting rashly. But I always sorely desire to get vengeance for this wrong against someone I do care about.

So, in summary, should I stick with my honour code and leave the woman responsible alone, or avenge my imprisoned friend?

-Sincerely;
Honourbound.