|finvampire (finvampire) wrote in angel_pairings,|
@ 2008-03-27 02:12:00
Fic: Pain is so close to pleasure - Part 9
Heading: Pain is so close to pleasure Part 9/?
Beta: Ash C. aka ash_carpenter (In LJ)
Pairing: William (Spike)/Liam(Angel)... Xander,Willow,Wesley,Anya,Buffy and Giles mentioned
Fandom: AtS & BtVS
Genre: Romance, angst, SLASH,human AU
Disclaimer: I do not own characters of Angel, Spike Xander,Willow,Wesley,Anya,Buffy or Giles nCredit goes to Joss Whedon and Co. Story concept is fully mine.
Summary: William gets a “brother” Liam , when his mom decides to invite her new boyfriend to live with them ;) William is gay, but his mom doesn’t know that ...and William just found out it himself a while ago. Gerard is not what he seems to be.
Warnings: angst, SLASH, M/M sex, strong language, involuntary sex,violence,incest
Feedback: pretty please *flutters eyelashes*
Word count: 1072
A/N: Angel reflects on his life and his feelings towards Spike..... frightening things happen..... angsty I tell ya! O__o’
Angel woke up early the next morning, feeling miserable. He was having second thoughts about what he’d told Spike – did he really love him? Or was it just that he clutched the first person who showed him even faint affection? Angel knew he was in a delicate state of mind – hell, he’d been ready to off himself a while ago, and now? He really didn’t know – it was too early to say and he had been wrong to tell Spike that he loved him as he didn’t even ‘love’ himself. The room started spinning suddenly, a feeling of nausea taking over. ‘How the hell can I tell Spike what an ass I am? How pathetic...’ the thought circled around in his mind, making room for panic as he felt Spike stir in his sleep beside him. He didn’t want to hurt Spike; that was the last thing he wanted to do. And then there were the gay thing – was he really gay? Or just simply hungry for any kind of connection? ‘God! I’m so fucked up! Maybe that’s why dad is punishing me?
Angel got up silently, gathering his things, and with a one last glance at Spike he stepped out of the door into the chilly morning air. It was still dim outside and the street was glistening after the recent rain. It was a nice neighbourhood really – little middle class houses and pretty board fences; cars lined up into similar driveways. Angel liked Xander and realised that he was a best kind of friend that anyone could have – honest, caring and forgiving; he had welcomed Angel with open arms even though he knew that he was a jock. Spike had ‘real’ friends, the kind that Angel would never have. His ‘friends’ were all from rich families and looked down on people less fortunate than themselves. Sometimes he felt so alone that it was suffocating, making him really wish for release – he just couldn’t do it. ‘You are such a fucking coward....world wouldn’t miss you...and maybe that’s the way it should be?’ Angel wondered silently, quickening his steps – at this time tomorrow, who knew? Maybe he was going to see his mother again.
Spike was yawning widely, combing his hand through his tangled curls and reaching to his side with his other hand – it was empty. He looked around but didn’t see Angel anywhere, and the house was quiet. ‘Well...maybe he’s in the bathroom or making breakfast...but...doesn’t that require noise?’ Spike was getting really nervous all of a sudden. He had the strange feeling that everything wasn’t right, that something terrible was going to happen. ‘Why the bloody ’ell do I have to be so damn negative?’ Then he saw it on the bedside table: a note from Angel. It said ‘Spike’ on the envelope. Spike opened it with trembling fingers, afraid to look what it had to say.
I have to leave you now – I can’t tell you how I feel at the moment, cos to be honest, I don’t even know myself. Does that sound odd? I’m sorry about last night, and that I said ‘I love you’ without really knowing if it’s true – I know you may be hurt by this, and you probably are, but try to understand – I ‘believe’ I love you, at least in some ways, but I can’t say for sure beacuse I don’t even love myself, so how could I love anyone else? I think I’m incapable of such a feeling. Please, don’t worry about me – I’m not worthy. I wish every happiness for you, Spike, and I hope that someday you will forgive me. You know...I really have a deep urge to see my mother again – she died when I was young and I never really got to know her – maybe it would be best.
Spike felt something cold settle down at the bottom of his stomach – he was going to be sick. Getting up quickly, he ran to the bathroom and leaned over the sink as the contents of his stomach spilled all over the white surface. ‘No.....Liam, no.....my Angel....I gotta get you back..I gotta find him!’ Spike was really afraid and confused, trying to understand what had happened. They were so happy the night before, and now? How could he convince Liam that he was loved? And the things he said in the letter…Not worthy? What the? Spike had never met a person more worthy of love than Liam – the poor thing obviously hadn’t experienced love after his mother’s passing, and throwing Gerard into the mix…Spike could understand Liam’s fucked up thoughts after all. Angel was broken, but he would fix him – show him all the affection and understanding he needed. Rushing wasn’t an option.
He didn’t have the courage to go home and pick up some stuff, so he ended up roaming randomly around the town; trying to find a decent place to rest his head for a while. Spike had probably forgotten him by now, and who wouldn’t? He was a sorry excuse for a person – a waste of space really. It was getting cold too – he had only his short leather jacket on him and a T-shirt under it, which he’d ‘borrowed’ from Xander. Angel didn’t have the inspiration to go to school either – it would be wasted on him; he was never nothing more than a jock and that was one thing he had hated from the start. It was his dad who had forced him to start it – he wanted to be in a drama class, but his father had been angry and said it was a waste of time, and that only girly boys wanted to act. None of that mattered now though – he would jump onto next train out of town and never come back. Angel didn’t know how he would survive, but he would do anything to get by, and who knew – maybe he would have enough courage to end it all someday, cos lets face it, who would miss him? Not his father, or Spike? Maybe he would at first, but not after realising what a loser he was. He wouldn’t be able to please his partner in any way, emotionally or sexually. Then there was the religion issue – he would burn in hell for having sexual feelings towards another man. Either way, he was screwed.