| [Mar. 28th, 2015|03:19 am] |
Asuma’s first instinct was to say no, that talking would only further cement the nightmare in reality, but it was too late: just mentioning that he’d had a dream brought it flooding back to the front of his mind. He blinked once, twice, lashes catching on Genma’s skin, and shifted so he could pillow his hand between his cheek and Genma’s shoulder.
“When I wrote you,” he started, then tried to clear his throat. It did nothing to ease the tightness in his chest. He tried again. “When I wrote, did I mention Chiriku?”
“Yeah. He was the monk…” Genma paused a moment in thought. “The monk from the Fire Temple, who was so Zen he could even calm the Daimyo’s fussypants auntie down, right? And he wiped the floor with you when you sparred, but you paid him back by getting him drunk on that rose-flavored stuff from Wind Country.”
The memory of Chiriku so drunk he swore he’d lost his kneecaps bubbled up briefly, but it only served to intensify the keen loss of his presence. Asuma couldn’t help a soft huff of laughter or the burn of tears in his eyes.
“Yeah,” he replied. “That’s the guy. When it—” His throat closed up briefly, as unwilling to talk about the event as he was to think about it. “When it was over, he—he wanted to pray, even for the guys that killed him. I prayed with him.” He squeezed his eyes closed, working hard to keep his breathing even. His cheeks felt wet again. “I dreamed I got the words wrong.”
Genma shifted to rub Asuma’s back, slow and firm, grounding. “He doesn’t strike me as the kind of man who would have minded,” he said quietly, after a long moment of silence.
Asuma laughed again, this time more more wet and more bitter. “I know,” he said. “He was just happy that I tried. I know it’s stupid, it’s just… fucking dream logic. I was so sure getting the words wrong would… send him to the opposite of the Pure Land, I don’t know.”
If such a thing even existed. Not that it mattered—whether or not there was a world for souls beyond death, the end result was that Chiriku wasn’t in this one. Or Kazuma, or Masaki, or any of the others. They were all somewhere else now, forever out of reach, despite everything Asuma had done to try and stop the fighting. He really had gotten the words wrong; the dream was just another reminder of what his inattention had cost him. If he had just seen it all coming sooner…
“You don’t have the power to send him where he doesn’t belong,” Genma replied. His voice was quiet but firm, full of a certainty that Asuma had lacked when he first woke from that dream.
And then, just as quietly, Genma started a meditative chant. It was something Chiriku had often done—usually at the end of the day, just before retiring. Asuma could clearly see the monk sitting on the edge of his cot, beads in hand, repeating the simple chant namu amida butsu over and over in a calming drone.
His lungs ached fiercely, a stabbing pain that wouldn’t let him inhale or exhale. He was never going to fall asleep to the sound of Chiriku’s prayers again. He was never going to see Chiriku make it to a leadership position in the Temple. He was never going to see or hear Chiriku again, period. Ever.
Asuma finally managed to suck in a tiny breath, not quite a sob, and rolled away from Genma, onto his back, pressing a fist to his mouth. He couldn’t think about this right now. He couldn’t.
Genma cut himself off mid-chant and followed. “It’s okay,” he said, wrapping an arm around Asuma’s waist, holding him close. “Breathe. Let it out.”
It’s not okay, Asuma couldn’t help but think. It’s never going to be fucking okay.
But he focused on his breath anyway, counting the space between each inhale and exhale, the way the air whistled through his fist as he breathed. Tried to keep the movement slow and smooth, tried to stop each hitch before it could start. Didn’t succeed at first, but it required enough effort, enough focus that he managed to lock those thoughts away again. Managed to shore up the dam against the grief sucking at the bottom of his lungs. Managed to keep himself from having a complete breakdown, not where Genma would have to see it. |
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