Ryouma asked, with intense interest, “Did you take it?”

“Yep,” Kakashi said smugly. “Got me fifteen percent off.”

Katsuko snickered again. “Did you successfully defend your personal plant?”

“No,” Kakashi said. “I had to steal Ukki-kun back later.”

Ryouma forget himself enough to grip Kakashi’s feet in horror. “From Kushina-sama?,” he said, like Kakashi had stolen kibble from blind orphaned kittens.

“You named your plant Ukki-kun?” Katsuko demanded in the same breath.

“Is a personal plant different from a regular houseplant?” Raidou asked.

“None of you are ever allowed to own plantlife,” Kakashi said. “Ukki-kun is mine. Of course I stole him back. Ueno, you’re not allowed to criticize anyone’s naming conventions ever. Taichou, shame on you.”

Raidou scratched the bridge of his nose, hand hiding his mouth. “I feel the shame.”

“Succulent or fern?” Genma inquired, the only sane man in the room.

“Ficus,” Kakashi said with dignity.

Genma’s eyes brightened. “That’s a good one. You can make a pretty decent contact irritant from Ficus sap.”

“Ficus Microcarpa,” Kakashi said.

“Oh,” Genma said. “Not from that one.” After a beat, he allowed, “They’re pretty, though.”

“It’s one of the best plants for improving air quality,” Kakashi informed them, only slightly defensive. “It has one of the highest rates of removing formaldehyde, benzene, and—” he had to think for a second, “trichloroethylene from tainted air.”

“I’m learning so much right now,” Raidou said.

Genma’s eyebrows climbed. “Is there a reason you’re generating formaldehyde, benzene and trichloroethylene in your personal living quarters?”

“I didn’t say I was—” Kakashi began, and stopped. “You’re asking too many questions. Make guesses already.”

“Calm down, bossyboots,” Katsuko said, snapping her fourth band into place.

“He doesn’t have any boots. Call him bossytoes,” Ryouma said, and tweaked Kakashi’s toes. Kakashi yelped and nearly fell over, caught by Katsuko at the last second. “I’m guessing the plant,” Ryouma continued, blithely blocking Kakashi’s revenge kick. “Because you said he tried to steal, and then you said you had to steal it back. Which means he didn’t just try, he succeeded.”

“Oh, smart,” Katsuko said.

“Stop trying to injure each other,” Raidou warned.

Genma said, “Tousaki, if you make Hatake pop a needle…”

“Sorry,” Ryouma said guiltily, and settled back, one hand wrapping around Kakashi’s anklebone, fingers warm. Kakashi watched him suspiciously, but Ryouma stayed still.

“We can’t take you anywhere,” Katsuko said, flicking one of Kakashi’s hair-knots. “I vote that old people discount, by the way. Tousaki, do you know how to tie hair ribbons?”

“No,” Ryouma said firmly.

“You are this close to having your hairdressing privileges revoked,” Raidou said, eyeing Katsuko.

“I can tie hair ribbons,” Kakashi said, since no one had seen fit to ask him. “I can do braids, too.”

There was a delicate fall of silence.

“See, now I have no idea which is the lie,” Raidou said finally.

Genma touched his own hair, which had turned dark gold under the lights. Kakashi had a faint memory of reaching for it, and couldn’t remember why.

“You’ll have to demonstrate when you’re feeling better,” Genma said.

Katsuko made an airless sound.

“What, lieutenant, you wouldn’t trust him with your hair when he’s high?” Ryouma said, voice lilting as he teased.

“Have you ever seen the webs spiders weave with different toxins in their systems?” Genma said. “Morphine webs aren’t tidy.”