WHO Bella and Cissa. WHAT The sisters have a fight, and it is not pretty. WHERE Malfoy Manor somewhere. WHEN Monday evening after Bella spends some time in Sirius' head. RATING PG13, mature subject matter but nothing too bad. STATUS
We are going to have a discussion about just what it means to be loyal to this cause.
The words, written in Bella's distinctive scrawl, had sent chills down Narcissa's spine. Had she done something? Something else to earn her sister's ire and displeasure? She knew Bella was already disappointed with her, and it was hard enough for her to deal with. The idea that Bellatrix might move beyond that to some sort of emotion Narcissa had never imagined could be directed at her was frightening. She idolized her sister, she always had, and this was not at all something she was accustomed to, this displeasure. Narcissa had always been a model daughter, a perfect pureblood. Dealing with this, with the way both Bellatrix and Lucius seemed to look at her, it was discomfitting.
The last two days since she'd been informed of the situation and placed on house arrest had been horrible.
She felt guilty and angry and humiliated, as she'd told Lucius, but the foreign nature of these emotions for Narcissa made them feel exponentially worse than they were. The guilt over betraying her family and loved ones, of betraying her cause and her society and her culture, of betraying her very belief system, the structure in which she'd been raised... well. It made her feel hot with shame and sick with self-loathing, but also disbelieving because she couldn't remember it and it hardly seemed real. Her anger, however, was very real indeed. She wasn't violent by nature, but she wanted to hurt Sirius. If he really had done what Bellatrix said he had, and she had no doubt, then he had done more than just look inside her head. He had stolen from her the sense of loyalty which was at her very core. It made her feel helpless, but also as though she wanted to see him feel the way she felt, hurt the way she hurt. The humiliation, though, the blow to her pride, that was the one that was most jarring for her. Narcissa had always been proud. Proud to be a Black, proud to be a pureblood, proud to be a Slytherin, proud to be exactly who she was, and unapologetic about all of it. To suddenly have that taken away was like losing her identity. It changed her. She had grown quiet, barely speaking to Lucius, and certainly not offering any of the doting affection he was used to from her in private, barely offering the respect he deserved in public. She avoided his parents, she did as she was told, she fumed silently, knowing that she deserved any punishment that Bellatrix and Lucius chose to impose upon her.
It was quite a change for someone usually so entitled, so sure of her status, so confident. Now, as she waited for her sister to call on her, since she assumed her confinement to the manor meant Bellatrix would be coming to her, she felt nervous and miserable.
While her anger was at least somewhat tempered by her amusement with having Sirius as her new plaything to order about as she wished, forcing him into playing the role of the dutiful pureblood son, every time she thought about her sister now that she had learnt just what she had said to Sirius and his friends, she felt the familiar sense of rage all over again. It was bad enough that Narcissa had allowed herself to be captured and interrogated in the first place, but that was more a point of frustration than one of genuine anger. That at least was something that what little reason she was capable of told her was not truly Narcissa's fault, even if that knowledge didn't exactly spare her sister from taking the brunt of her frustration at the entire situation. But to know Narcissa's apparently true feelings about the attack on Hogsmeade, her declaration to the Order of all people that it was senseless and horrible, to undermine her so spectacularly, to even have those thoughts, much less vocalise them... that was infuriating.
And so once she was satisfied that Sirius was firmly enough under her control that she could leave him alone at the manor for a few hours, Bellatrix apparated to Malfoy Manor. A house elf met her at the door and escorted her to the library where Narcissa was sitting. At the sight of her, Bellatrix had to stop and take a moment to reign in her explosive temper. She had never laid a hand (or a curse, aside from silly things like tripping jinxes when they were children) on her sister and she did not intend to change that now. But for once she felt so very tempted. Perhaps she was taking some brunt of the anger that Bellatrix felt towards Edgar, James and Fabian as well and that was hardly fair but again... reason wasn't her strong suit.
When she had finally managed what composure she could summon, she offered a cold, "Narcissa," in greeting before going to stand in front of her. This was a side of Bellatrix that she did her best to keep from her sister but she offered no such consideration now as she took her sister's chin in her hand and lifted her gaze to meet her own. Without warning, she cast a quick "legilimens," and pushed her way into Narcissa's mind to search for the concealed memories. She could have simply done this in the first place rather than go through with her plan to capture and interrogate Sirius, but the thought had not come to her until she had been contemplating precisely how to explain to her sister just what she had done if she did not remember. Far easier to simply bring the memories back, she had decided and once they had been retrieved and brought back from where they were buried to the forefront of Narcissa's mind, she withdrew, releasing her and folding her arms across her chest. Now she could understand just what had provoked such anger.
When her name had been called, Narcissa had turned to face her sister, getting up from the chair she'd been waiting in, staring out the window. Bellatrix was clearly angry, but before Narcissa could get a word in edgewise, her sister turned her face and cast a spell and Narcissa was back out on the cliffs.
The memories returned quickly with her sister's forceful magic guiding them, and by the time her mind had reeled through all of them, she was dizzy and holding onto the chair behind her for balance, and staring in wide-eyed shock at her sister. Oh, she understood. The words had felt like a slap to Bella's face then, when she'd spoken them, and here in front of her sister with all of that potent anger focussed on her, Narcissa had no justifications, no words to explain away what she'd said.
I was so angry at her, I ignored her the whole week, and it wasn't just because of my shower, because she could've gotten my husband killed a week before my wedding. It was because it horrible, what they did. What they do. It's senseless. It's not what it was meant to be, destroying wizarding culture needlessly, and burning witches and wizards alive inside shops. Anyone could've been there, anyone. She set it all up to kill all of you, but look, you're still alive and dozens of others, hundreds likely if you count the attacks on London, they're all dead, and...
Had Narcissa really said all that? Had those words truly spilled from her lips, in the presence of bloodtraitors and enemies? She swallowed hard and averted her eyes, looking down in shame. She had no excuse to offer, and so she simply stayed silent, not looking at her sister, waiting.
Bellatrix likely would have preferred it if Narcissa had offered some feeble excuses for her words, some explanation, no matter how insufficient. Surely that would have been better than this display of guilty submission. Or perhaps it would have only angered her further, but that was pretty well accomplished as it was.
"Look at me," Bellatrix demanded sharply. "Is that it then? You have no explanations to offer for yourself? No justifications for why you felt the need to say such things? And to blood traitors. I did not see them asking you how you felt about the attacks in Hogsmeade so I fail to see why you felt compelled to volunteer such information. Let alone how it is that after all of these years, you apparently do not have any concept of the fact that this is a war. And there are things that must be done, no matter how distasteful you may find them, to create the society we wish."
Her wand was still clenched firmly in her hand and had it been anyone but Narcissa, her baby sister, standing in front of her, they would be on the ground writhing under the agony of the cruciatus by now. But somehow she managed to hold back. There was, after all, still a deeply held affection for her sister buried underneath all of her rage and anger. She was just having a very difficult time remembering that at the moment as she stood and waited for some form of a response.
"I am sorry. You knew it upset me," Narcissa said feebly, trying very, very hard not to back away from her sister even as she looked up and met her eyes. Her breathing was shallow and she didn't know how to explain herself. It was clear she was struggling for words. "I just... I couldn't stop talking. Soon I will be a mother, and the idea that we live in a world where whole wizarding villages are burnt to the ground, of hundreds of witches and wizards injured or killed... how is that safe for anyone, regardless of blood status... I don't disapprove, you know I don't. I support the cause. I just... It scared me."
She bit her lip, wishing she had something better to offer. Her head was spinning, and she barely believed that she'd uttered such words. How could she be expected to defend them when they were not words or thoughts she had ever expected to be seen in the light of day? She would never utter such doubts under normal circumstances, and Bella had to know that. There had been extenuating circumstances.
The funny thing about those extenuating circumstances was that it only made Narcissa's transgression worse in Bellatrix's mind. Had she said such things of her own free will there may have been some ploy on her part, some attempt to garner sympathy through false fears. But under the influence of veritaserum there was no question on the truth of her feelings. It did not matter that she had not meant to say as much, that she had even harboured such thoughts in the first place was crime enough as far as Bellatrix was concerned. She had killed for less.
"None who mattered were killed," she replied harshly. "You will recall that was the very point of setting the attack for the same day as your shower. Do you truly not understand that the very reason we do these things is so that your child will not live in such a world? That we are attempting to bring an end to this fight and destroy the resistance once and for all? And thank you for pointing out that it did not work, by the way. I am not certain if that or the part where you believe my actions to be senseless is my favourite part of your true feelings." Yes, she was being rather deliberately nasty. She did not care.
"I'm sorry," Narcissa said helplessly, pleading. "This is why you do those things, not me. I could never be as strong as you."
It wasn't an attempt at flattery. She wasn't as daft as to try and feed her sister compliments to assuage her anger, but it was true. Narcissa was not as strong as Bellatrix. That was a fact. Narcissa could not do the things Bella could, was not as powerful or unstoppable or fearless. She had never before considered it in the context of being flawed, just different, but now she wondered. Clearly she'd disappointed Bellatrix, even insulted her. That was not something she had ever wanted to do. As horrible as she'd felt the last two days, she could feel it all beginning to compound. If there was anyone in the world she couldn't stand to be upset at her, it was Bellatrix. Lucius she could count on to forgive her, regardless, but Bellatrix... Narcissa knew she was being treated with much more lenience than anyone else would be, but she was sure her sister had a breaking point, even where Narcissa was concerned.
"I appreciate everything you do. I hope you understand that," Narcissa said softly.
Bellatrix sighed and ran her hand through her hair, tugging at it in frustration. Her fury was at least beginning to ebb away, however slowly, but that did not mean she was not still angry and frustrated and irritated and why couldn't Narcissa just understand and accept that some things were necessary.
"Then why? Salazar, Narcissa. What would make you say those things? I do not expect you to fight with me, I would not want that for you. But I do not think it is unreasonable for me to expect that you will support the cause whole heartedly. Do you not understand that if the Dark Lord discovered what you said, there would be nothing I could do to protect you from him? As furious as I may be with you, I am still trying to keep you safe but you are not making it easy."
"I do support the cause whole heartedly, I do," Narcissa insisted. "I spoke out of anger. You know I am not disloyal, you know that. You know me."
There was a desperation in her voice now, a pleading. She knew how dangerous sentiments like the ones she'd expressed could be, and she knew without her sister on her side, without that protection, she didn't know where she'd be. Her fear grew exponentially, she was scared already, scared of repercussions, and that fear had grown unbelievably.
"Does... does anyone else know?" she asked, voice low. She meant more than just her doubts. She hoped no one else knew of that, even Lucius, who she thought was the only one informed of the situation. She hoped. She didn't know if she'd be able to stand it if they all knew. "Do they know it was me?"
"Then you would do well to act like it," Bellatrix replied, still not ready to forgive her sister. That would likely take some time, although she would eventually. She'd go home and play with her new toy and get distracted, at least, until the anger had faded and just seemed pointless. At least that was generally the way similar situations tended to play out, although there had never been anything quite like this before. "By which I mean that you accept what it is I do, that it is for the greater good no matter how distasteful you find it. Now do you understand why I have tried to shield you from much of this?"
There was another sigh as Bellatrix folded her arms across her chest again. "Rodolphus and Lucius both know," she said, referring more to her general role in revealing their allegiances, although she had already made some mention of Narcissa's commentary to Lucius and would undoubtedly end up venting to Rodolphus before the day was through. "I am keeping it from the others, for your safety. Although should the Dark Lord choose to reveal your involvement, I will not try to stop him." It was already bad enough that she knew it would be in the best interest of the Death Eaters to know the source of the leak so that they could ensure such a thing did not happen to their wives and sisters but not so much that Bellatrix was willing to offer Narcissa up as some sort of sacrificial lamb.
Narcissa ducked her head in a slight bow, another uncharacteristically submissive movement, and then looked up at her sister again, meeting her eyes, an expression of hope and gratitude on her face. "Thank you. You still protect me even when you are clearly wishing you could teach me a lesson of some sort."
Bellatrix's lips pursed together at the mention of teaching her sister a lesson, something she was still quite tempted to do. But no, she refrained. "I swear to Salazar, Narcissa, if I ever hear of something like this again..." she began, trailing off. The threat itself was not necessary. "You should rest. You do not wish to let yourself become exhausted with worry." There it was, that slightest hint of sisterly concern, even if her voice was still short and condescending.
Nodding, Narcissa silently agreed, sensing that the conversation was drawing to a close. She felt shaken and still yearning for a forgiveness she knew Bellatrix didn't yet have the capacity for. All in all, though, she supposed it could have been worse. Her sister hadn't hexed her or hit her, after all, not that such behaviour was typical of Bella towards Narcissa, but it was always a possibility in such extreme situations. Though Narcissa was finding it difficult to keep it together in the face of so much disapproval, from Bellatrix and Lucius, she had not yet broken down.
"Thank you," she said for what felt like the hundredth time and pushed her blonde hair back behind her ears. "I appreciate your concern, but I will be fine."
Under most circumstances, Bellatrix would have stopped at Narcissa's obviously forced assurances that she would be fine. She would have shown some concern and insisted that her sister rest and take care of herself, but instead she nodded, replying with a curt, "Very well. Have a pleasant evening," before turning to leave. Forgiveness would likely come in time, but it was not to be today.