Log: Tommy, Kurt, & Xi'an Who: Tommy Kerri, Kurt Wagner, and later Xi'an Coy Manh When: Early evening, Saturday, May 3, 2008 Where: Kurt's room, then Xi'an's room next door What: Kurt and Tommy are bubbling with sexual tension now that they're not together anymore, and it comes to a head where Kurt just can't control himself. Impure thoughts become impure action and Tommy isn't too happy about it. Xi'an then offers Kurt some advice about why he's probably going to go to Hell.
Kurt wasn't entirely sure what had happened, but he knew he was going to have a lot to confess to Father Zeckhausen.
Tommy didn't want to talk to him, she didn't want to deal with him. She couldn't handle him being a boyfriend, he couldn't handle putting his sexual interest above her sanity, so they'd broken up. They had broken up. They weren't speaking.
So why, then, were their clothes scattered across the floor of Kurt's bedroom? All she'd done was show up at his door. They'd said hello. They'd exchanged a few awkward words. Then Tommy got too close and Kurt closed the gap and the next thing he knew, the two of them were sinning like they'd never sinned before. Clumsy, awkward stumbling, pushing and pulling, like they couldn't get enough of one another but couldn't figure out where to put their arms or legs or much of anything until Tommy's legs were up around his waist and he was inside her, pushing her up against the wall.
It was like his brain had snapped away from common sense for a span of ten, maybe fifteen minutes, and there was nothing but Tommytommytommy and that was all he cared about. Sins of the flesh and they were so bad but they felt so good, and why did it feel better when he wasn't supposed to be doing it?
Tommy was sexual, so much more physical than Kurt, and it had been a mistake to go talk to him, to try to work things out and be friends when she damn well knew they were attracted to each other. It was her fault for walking right into it. Kurt scared her, his life scared her, his brushes with death scared her, enough for her to push him away, but it was so damn hard to stay away from him when she was so homesick. Longing for strange creatures in the dark, people that didn't look quite right, and all Tommy could think of was his scars against blue skin, deformed hands tugging at her clothes, over her breasts, squeezing her thighs, pulling up her legs. Her sarong was light, she wasn't wearing any underwear, she never did, but it was such a stupid thing to do around Kurt.
Kurt had never been so aggressive, and Tommy wasn't sure what to do with it but let him push her. She tugged his hair, bit his neck, clumsy and careless; she couldn't even say his name. Just bury her face against his dark skin and let him sin. It was their sin, but it meant so much more to Kurt. So much more.
It hurt. He had his injuries, had his back brace to keep him from his usual level of flexibility, and even though he was doing significantly better it did hurt. Pushing through the pain only made him more harsh, more desperate, his hands bruising, his teeth sharp. There were no words, barely any sound, just ragged breaths and grunts of effort. When it was over, after he came, he tumbled down from the wall with her, collapsing to the floor----a jarring pain down his spine. He was catching her breath, his face buried in her hair, his body half atop hers, their limbs intertwined.
Tommy would hurt after this. Hell, she hurt now, breathing hard and running a hand over her face. What were they doing. What on earth were they doing. "I didn't come here for this," she said softly. Making sure he knew this hadn't been her intention.
"I know," Kurt whispered, too out of breath to actually use his voice. His body ached but at the same time it had felt so good... a few minutes of shameless, violent indulgence, desperate passion... things Kurt never did. Things Kurt shouldn't have done, and most certainly shouldn't have wanted. But even now, Tommy's body was up against him, his hand was cupping her breast, feeling it rise and fall with her labored breaths. And here he thought gluttony was his weakness.
It was lust, and Tommy knew better than to think it was anything else. She was comfortable with her sexuality; Kurt wasn't, and it was no wonder that he would snap like that after so long. So, she hesitated when she added, "It doesn't mean anything." It was just sex. Just ... just sex.
Kurt surprised himself when he answered: "I know."
In that moment, Tommy regretted breaking up more than she had before. She missed Kurt, more than she'd admit; maybe she wasn't in love with him, but he made her feel comfortable. He was different, the way she was. And she wanted him, in a very, very sexual sense. This wasn't helping.
"This won't happen again...?" It wasn't accusatory, just ... curious. Maybe a little sad.
Kurt gulped, pulling his hand from her and sitting up just enough to look at her. "It shouldn't," he admitted.
It wasn't fair. The hurt was hard to hide in her expression; Tommy sat up, gently pushing him off of her and reaching for her sarong, standing to tie it back on. Feeling incredibly embarrassed and ... a little used, to be honest. There wasn't much to say, was there?
"Tommy..." Kurt sighed, sitting naked on the floor except for his back brace, his hands tangled in his hair. "This shouldn't have happened."
"Don't do that." Tommy frowned. "Don't say that like it couldn't have been helped or ... or that it wasn't your fault." She ground her teeth, torn between feeling used and hurt and being insulted that having sex with her was such a horrible thing.
"Tommy, nein..." What came out was a string of German as he dragged himself back to his feet. English, right? English. He could speak English. Somewhere along the line he grabbed his pants but he just held them for now. "It just should not have happened. I'm sorry." For... whatever this was. He knew it was his fault. "But you did want this..." He suddenly looked a little panicked, like he'd pushed her too far and she hadn't really been consenting in all of this.
"Wanting to fuck you because I'm insanely attracted doesn't mean you have to take advantage of it." It didn't make much sense, but this whole situation didn't make much sense. "God, Kurt, I---...Jesus. Don't do this to me. Sleep with me or don't sleep with me, but don't change your mind. Please." She was stupid for going along with it, but he was confusing the hell out of her. She wasn't even sure exactly what had just happened.
"Wh---That's not fair." Kurt looked a little angry now, which was somewhat rare. "You do not want to be close to me and then we are and when I put distance back between us you're angry with me?" He turned away from her to pull his pants back on, muttering.
"I was here to try and be friends. You jumped me. Which I find ironic, you were never that eager to screw me when we were actually together."
Kurt turned back to her, looking a little shocked. He didn't have arguments like this. People didn't talk to him like this. He didn't actually know how to handle it. "Well, you didn't say no!" he exclaimed, like that somehow made it all okay. He was so confused. Totally out of his element.
"Of course not! I'm homesick, emotionally unstable, and physically needy. Of course I didn't." As if that were some kind of excuse. The bitterness that he wanted her more now that she'd left him pissed her off. "I broke up with you because I couldn't handle you being in danger and getting injured all the time, not because I don't care for you or because I'm not attracted to you."
"And this makes sense how!"
"It doesn't!" Tommy snapped. "It----it doesn't, this is ridiculous. You were a jerk, I acted like a slut, and ... you know what? Next time you get a hard on, find someone else, because I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't feel embarrassed because sleeping with me is such a horrible thing for you."
Kurt's jaw dropped. No, really. No one had ever spoken to him like this before, and it was just getting worse. "I was not a jerk!"
"You fucked your ex-girlfriend! Your mentally unstable ex-girlfriend!" She wasn't watching her language anymore, not feeling like it was her job.
His expression of shocked horror really just got worse, and by now it was probably comical. "I took advantage of you?"
Tommy would like to say he didn't, but the more she thought about it, the worse it seemed. She was homesick, she wanted to be near someone who reminded her of home, and Kurt was the perfect person for that. She'd been there to make friends, and wonderful Kurt who she could always trust to be in control of the situation when she wasn't had up and---and decided, fuck that, I want sex even though you left me. It wasn't fair. "You took advantage of my attraction for you and my physical dependence, that's what you took advantage of. I shouldn't have let you, but you did."
Kurt sputtered, his hands pressed against his chest. "I did not!"
"I was here to make friends. I trusted you, and ... I couldn't even look at you for five minutes before you .... the hell is wrong with you, Kurt? I don't ever remember you being like this."
He was overwhelmed, and he slowly sank into a chair to think about this, his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped tightly, almost like he was going to start praying. His mouth rested against his thumbs. "There is nothing wrong with me." Really? He didn't know. Maybe there was.
Tommy just stared at him. "...I'm leaving."
"Maybe you should."
"I am." Scowling, she went for the door, adding, "Don't string me along. Want me or don't, but pick one." Without waiting for his answer, she was slamming the door behind her.
Kurt was left in his chair, horrified, staring at the door and not knowing what to do next. He sat there, fidgeting, and then he was up and pacing... then he was swinging open his bathroom door, rushing across the tile, and banging on Xi'an Coy Manh's door.
Xi'an ... actually, Xi'an had heard most of it. Or the first half, anyway, and after she'd gotten sick of listening to them fuck against the wall, she'd turned on her iPod. It was all very zen; Xi'an was sitting under her covers, a book in her lap, earbuds drowning out whatever argument Kurt was having with Tommy.
The banging on her door made her pull one earbud out. There he is. "It's open!"
The door swung open and Kurt was standing there in his pants and back brace, looking like a terrified animal. "I'm a horrible person," he said, dumbfounded by the realization. "What do I do."
Kurt stared at her. "...That's not funny."
"Depends on what you did." As if the last two sentences hadn't happened. "You're a horrible person because you slept with someone? ---Yes, I heard it, don't give me that look."
Kurt repeated what Tommy said because he didn't understand how to put it into his own words. "I took advantage of my mentally unstable ex-girlfriend."
Xi'an blinked. ...Well, okay. "You ... wait. Wait." Kurt Wagner taking advantage of anyone was a weird concept. "So you're telling me what happened over there wasn't consensual?"
"...Well, she didn't say no."
Xi'an frowned. "You're going to have to clear this up for me."
Kurt chewed hard on his lip and then burst out with: "She showed up at the door, she was there, she was beautiful, I kissed her, she kissed back, we ..." Sinned. Big time. Up against the wall. And loved it. "I couldn't help it."
Turning off her music, Xi'an pushing back her covers, sitting up cross-legged and patting an empty spot on the bed. "Hn. This ... could be a little tricky. She didn't say no, but you two are broken up, yes?"
"Ja." Helpless. Kurt wandered over to the bed and plopped down. This really wasn't something he knew how to deal with.
Running her tongue over the front of her teeth, Xi'an sighed. "Well. She ... probably feels a little like a slut for going along with it. Ex-boyfriend and all."
"I feel a little like a slut for going along with it."
"At least you started it."
Kurt threw his hands up in exasperation. "She didn't say no!"
"I never said she did. Just that, in not saying no to you even though she left you, she probably feels easy because she caved as soon as you decide to use her like some sort of twisted booty call."
"But... but I didn't use her!" There was a step in the logic missing. Yes, Kurt, you did use her. He just didn't like the terminology so he made the assumption that he didn't. Kurt didn't... do things like... twisted booty calls.
"Let me tell you what I have to assume happened, and you tell me if I'm right." Xi'an cleared her throat. "She went to talk to you. You found her so beautiful you jumped her. You broke up, but that didn't matter because you had the hots for her. Am I warm?"
"...Ja." Not sure where she was going with this.
"But it was a mistake and it's never happening again. Because it's wrong, even though you got the chance to enact your manly urges."
"You used her."
Kurt gasped. "What? Come on!"
"From what I understand, you started it, it was about your sexual urges, and it's never happening again, regardless of what Tommy might want. I don't know what she wants, maybe she wants to sleep with you again, maybe she doesn't, but that's not important to you because your apparently rather repressed sexual urges are what count. You used her, Kurt. Whether you like it or not."
Kurt covered his mouth with his hands and looked vaguely sick. Well, when she put it in those terms... oh, god, he'd used her. "I'm going to Hell."
"I doubt it. It was mean, but it wasn't evil." Xi'an shrugged. "I'd suggest apologizing. Or grovelling for forgiveness."
"I didn't mean to be mean." Kurt slumped even more.
"Intentions are nice factors, but they don't change the truth." Xi'an reached down, comfortably holding her ankles while her legs were crossed.
Kurt tensed up, clasping his hands again, and then did something very, very unlike him.