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hackerzorz for your own good [07 Oct 2008|12:46am] waldass 86 comments|post comment

journal entry [06 Oct 2008|08:16pm] lazyeyes we're getting ready to play our first show tonight for our civic tour in kansas city. i can't wait to finally get on stage, get the most amazing high, the most healthy way of losing consciousness and be whoever the fuck i want to be. i dont have to impress fucking anyone. no one screws me over when im on stage. my fans are there smiling me in the face telling me they want more. i plan to give them more until the day that my heart chokes on it's last beat. i feel like everything that used to matter doesn't and it's amazing because everything i thought mattered was actually shit. no one has a face and the only light that works is the one the men in black are blinding me with and when they're done shining their light they take our money and feed their families. and those people without faces crawl back into their fucked up homes or rich amazing lives, that always depends on the person. i wish i could care for all of those kids, so none of them can feel one ounce of sadness, and when they tell me i already do that with our music i can't help but sleep well at night. that's when the insomnia takes a night off and chills with my worst fears and anxiety and depression. they get high together and think of new ways to ruin me. i've grown since my big break, i dont take pills anymore at all. i refuse to look doctors in the face. call me stupid but i believe in what i lived. this show tonight is not only for the fans, it's not for all those girls i love to impress, it's not for my worst enemies or my best friends, its for my band. it's for those guys that i call my family that put up with my shit and punch me in the face when i get out of line. the lights are dying and they're calling our name. this feeling never fails to amaze me friends are interesting things. one moment you're laughing and smiling, blowing things up for shits and giggles and the next you're being tossed to the side of the road only to have your face rubbed in the dirt and your insides plastered. your heart is an explosion of choices all laid before you buried behind you in a ditch. you search for every last piece but there is always one or two that you overlook. i'm fucked up. when i was growing up i was sent into a fucking military school, i missed my friends and my family. i was forced to do shit for myself and try to not kill myself every waking moment. when i was finally released i went home and became the most dependent person. i latched onto everyone, made everyone take care of me. that's my problem, all my close friends im so used to having there for me and listen to me when i talk, and knowing that they aren't fucking around they're actually around for me. it's not all an act, it's all very real. of all people i know what real is, i may not always seem like i do, but i fucking know. i know when people are upset with me, i know when people are talking shit, i know when people are being fake. and i brush it off, why? because i have too much faith in people. im in such a bad place right now. i know i should be happy right now but i'm not. i am completely miserable with my life. the three girls that actually keep me going is hil, mandy and z. hilary is amazing, she knows me better than im pretty sure anyone. she's smart, funny, and adorable and yet i feel like i don't deserve her. i feel like she's way too perfect for me. she always knows what to say, when to say it. the girl has me in the palm of her hand. the worst part is is that she knows it. she knows i'd do anything for her, go out in the middle of the night to see her, kill any stalker that threatened her life. it scares me how much i have fell for her but not in a bad way. like when you are speeding in your car at midnight with your headlights off and you take every turn too fast but then you jolt to a stop before your heart gets caught in your throat. sounds terrifying but i find it pretty comforting. mandy and me go way back, i swear she is going to be my babies mother. i bugged out on her yesterday and im so sorry for that baby, and you brushed it off. mandy is probably the only girl that will never ever under any circumstances put up with my shit. she's the one that puts me in my place and tells me when im being a complete jerkoff. thanks for always keeping me awake, but even more thanks for making me open my eyes wider when there was just too much to look at. i appreciate everything you have to offer and you are the definition of a great faithful friend. last but not lease, Z, you're amazing. you really amaze me honestly, i don't even deserve to be in the same room as you. im a total dick for doing what i did to you and i hate that you blame it on yourself. i feel so guilty of that, i caused so much misery and pain and all you do it blame yourself when i was the creater. you are my tinkerbell always there to take me away from my fucked up life and let me be a little crazy sometimes. you still owe me a movie night, we gotta set this up. you, i dont know what's going on with you. unfortunately i don't comprehend and identify one word answers. i'm sorry i don't know what the real meaning of 'fine' is. i can't keep guessing, worrying and hoping that you'll talk to me. as much as i care about you i feel like you don't care the same for me, and if you did you'd have the respect of telling me what the hell is up. this whole time i'm thinking everything is 'fine'. everything is not fine because we aren't on talking terms. what the fuck did i do? you play these fucking mind games on me that keep me up till all hours of the night and eat away at me during the day. i don't think it's fair. i've done nothing but respect you and your wishes, which is why i don't talk to her anymore, and you just leave me hanging. like i'm automatically going to get it, or a fucking map will direct me around your mental fucked up brain so i can figure out what the hell you want from me. so quit with this third grade bullshit and lets talk. and i sit here staring at this screen and my eyes are going cross. my dog is asleep, each breathe he takes sounds like he's a old jewish smoker. my laundry is at my feet and decorating my floors just waiting for me to put them away. my hair and face are just out of control greasy, and unshaven. i haven't been taking any phone calls. my tv broke last night when the storm hit. i walked into the kitchen table and have the biggest bruise on my hip. my bandaid is flapping in the wind. my balls are freezing off. i miss hilary. i miss my friend. i miss benji and joel. i miss bden and ryan and mandy and z, frank and alicia. i miss everything that is not in here, in my head. my socks have holes in them. my knee caps are cracking. and this has to be the longest update i have ever put any effort into. moral of the story is, you can hate me so bad but i'll always just love you back. post comment

aim [06 Oct 2008|08:15pm] lazyeyes hanna sighed once he put up his away message, she did the same and got up from her bed tossing her sidekick somewhere in her sheets. she wont know where it is later. getting up she searched through her closet trying to find something cute to wear. she didn't feel like she had to impress him she just loved looking nice for him, then again it was only morning. hanna sat down on the floor next to the pile of clothes she had been meaning to fold and put away. scavenging through she found a leopard print long shirt, only wearing her bra she put it on. the shirt was long enough to be a short dress so she didnt bother finding shorts or leggings. getting up she smiled at herself in the mirror, her heart beating wildly against her chest. she had to admit she was excited to finally see him again and she still had feelings for him, her smile faded in the mirror. her friends convinced her not to get too attached since he was a famous rockstar and those boys never seem to have it together. her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at her door. walking from her room she got to the door, ran her hands over her shirt before opening the door. she couldn't help but smile, "hi." her voice was soft, she stood back. "come in." ---- his face was scruffy and it tickled her cheek when he hugged her. she loved being in his arms and taking in his smell. making sure the door was closed behind him she tried to hold back a smile, "i missed you too." she failed a smiled worked its way across her face. his hand in hers she squeezed his fingers while pete lead her into her bedroom. this is the part where she became uneasy. they had hooked up almost every time they hung out and she didn't want that. hanna always thought too deeply into situations, she was a girl. when pete threw himself onto her bed her heart went dead. did he really come over to snuggle? what kind of guy would? when do you ever hear a guy say 'yeah i went over that hot girls house and we snuggled the whole time, it was amazing.' hanna chose to sit at the edge of the bed, one of her legs tucked under her. when she heard him call her one of his stupid nicknames she couldn't help but look over back at him and laugh. ---- once he pulled her on top of him and kissed her forhead she bit her lip. there he goes again, giving off the shut up lets fuck vibe. she had been burned by guys like this in the past and even though she felt like pete was different everyone insisted he was just like every other guy that got ass and just walked out. she noticed something sparked when he sat up and began his accusations. "pete im sorry, my friends are only looking out for me, and who says i believe every word they say?" as beautiful and tiny hanna was she began to develop some self esteem issues, starting back when she first met pete. he had always caught her eye, and when she finally got to meet him after a show she was besides herself in happiness. she was with her ex at the time who had been cheating on her. so leaning onto pete came a little too easy and that's when her heart went on lockdown. "listen, i'm scared ok? im sorry that i over analyze every thing." locking eyes with his deep chocolate eyes, she took his hands. "did you really just come to cuddle with me or are you just trying to butter me up?" ---- she pushed too far this time, his eyes looked injured as he spoke frustration. she held her knees to her chest and looked up at him, ashamed of feeling the way she did. when he threw his legs over the edge of the bed she thought he was going to leave and walk out on her, but he didn't. he was always there for her when she needed him, he was always so good to her. hanna blocked out the voices of her friend's warning her about pete the rockstar. when his body hit the bed she moved herself next to him, draping her arm over his tummy. "you're right and im sorry." she planted a soft kiss on his lips. "i like you so much and i want to take things slow." she rested her head on his chest. "i want to be with you, just not yet." post comment

[06 Oct 2008|03:25pm] commiesharefest I want to write, but words are not working. This is horribly frustrating. 1 comment|post comment

Always run short and never on time [06 Oct 2008|02:42am] beastieboys Being a Mormon is not easy, it's almost like everywhere you go you're prejudiced. Polygamy, polygamy, polygamy. It does not exist but the media's opinion is always stronger than anything else that is said. It is not a cult. I know this. I am not brainwashed. It used to be all about being isolated (in a way it still is of course) but now it is about striving, misreading and longing. I know what it is. I know it has to be close. There are aspects of my faith I do not believe. I refuse to pray because I am constantly doing wrong in the eye of the Lord and quite frankly, I am embarrassed to face him. On another note, it has been four days (technically five I guess) since I started the fast. I hope I can last until Halloween without fainting! It is all in your head. Juhasz

[06 Oct 2008|12:16am] crookedspin ( I'm taking a survey for a class. If anyone wants to help me out, that'd be awesome. Comments are screened, and anonymous comments are enabled. ) post comment

[05 Oct 2008|12:39pm] commiesharefest I'm glad I went out last night, if only because it really seemed to make my Antonia happy. I don't go out late very often and when I do, it's not to clubs and bars and things. Last night, we went to dinner and then to a hookah bar. It was interesting. I found myself going deaf at the bar, as we were sitting right beside speakers and the music was loud. I watched people with a casual, detached curiosity as they smoked and drank and rubbed up against one another on the dance floor. I watched people like I wasn't quite a part of their species. Which is silly, but it's how I roll. I always feel so terribly out of place in social settings. By the end of the night, I was itching to write a paper about the social habits of the human bar hopping club-goer. I am not cool, I know. I left early (a bit past midnight) because I hate going home alone. It was almost two in the morning when I took the lonely walk from the train to my apartment. I don't think I've moved that fast in quite some time. I think I'm going to spend today reading. I have a pile of books that I've been meaning to get through. I'm fairly certain I can finish one or two by the end of the night. I should finish World War Z. And I've been itching to touch, caress, and devour The Graveyard Book. Hope you all have a good day. post comment

[05 Oct 2008|12:01am] superman Does anyone see a rip off layout or what?: http://fueledbyphotography.com/ or is it all in my head that it looks exactly like mine? JUST WONDERING!!!!!!! 23 comments|post comment

[04 Oct 2008|04:55pm] commiesharefest [ mood | pissed off ] I am so disgusted with people today. This is due largely to family happenings. There's a lot of nonsense going on with my grandmother and aunts. My mom's stressed out and coming to me with stories of fucktardedness. I feel bad for my mom, who's stuck in the middle of a lot of shit. I just wish everybody would calm the fuck down. Fucking people. I have to go out tonight to celebrate the birthday of my sister-lover-from-another-mother. I really, really hope I'm not completely intolerable. I don't want to be around people today. When I'm in this kind of mood, people around me suffer and I don't want to be Debbie Downer tonight. I need to find a cave and hermit it up for a few weeks. I'm going to nap now so that I'm awake for tonight. post comment

All the songs I have on my computer... [04 Oct 2008|01:26pm] reichstag ( Albums ) post comment

[04 Oct 2008|12:43pm] commiesharefest Thursday was a busy day. I stepped into the office, put my sweater down, and got to work. For about two hours, I went through the slush pile - which consists entirely of letters from people seeking representation by my literary agent boss OR book proposals OR the first twenty pages of manuscripts. I think that by the end of my internship, I should be able to write a comprehensive guide for first time writers who are seeking representation. There are TONS of dos and don'ts when it comes to writing an agent for the first time. But that's for another entry. When the slush was gone, my boss had me read two book proposals. These came with excerpts of manuscripts. I took about an hour and a half to do this. When I finished, I came to my boss and we discussed what I'd read. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon editing a completed manuscript. This was probably the most tedious thing I've had to do at work. I just sat for hours staring at a screen, and trying to figure out how best to phrase awkward sentences and contemplating whether certain modifiers were necessary. By the end of Thursday, I'd entered this strange grammar-less zone. I'd forgotten how to use a comma and how sentences should be structured. Luckily, by the end of the night, I could sentence again. And I'm fairly certain, that I've remembered the proper uses of, commas by now. (I just made a bad grammar joke, you guys. I am incredibly not cool.) Anyway, I was thinking about all of this today and it struck me that this internship feels like a real-big-person job. And I can see myself doing this sort of thing for a long time. I could even see myself enjoying it. It's a weird feeling, possibly having stumbled on my career. post comment

What do you do with a drunken sailor... [04 Oct 2008|12:12pm] commiesharefest Some links... I find discussion of politics and class fascinating. So I'm going to share this: An address to Joe Six Pack. It's thoughtful and well said and everyone should read it if they care about election things. RollingStone.com has a ten page article on McCain. I haven't read it yet, but I hear it consists entirely of EPIC BURN. On McCain and the POW Cover-Up. post comment

[03 Oct 2008|08:04pm] commiesharefest I got a call from my mom today while she was at work to tell me that my grandmother was in the hospital last night. She'd just found out about it around lunchtime. My aunt's terrible about keeping in contact with us. My grandmother's supposed to be okay, but is staying overnight. She'll be going home tomorrow. While I napped today, I dreamed about my grandmother. I spoke to her in Spanish. I think she died in my dream. It's left me really upset and I don't particularly care to talk about it, but I've always been told that telling dreams is a way to make sure they don't come true. So here's me telling. It was a nice dream until the end. I was closer to my grandmother in a dream than in real life. Sometimes I'm not quite so sure I'm all that great a person. I told my mom to call my aunt to make sure that my grandmother's really okay. She's going to do that a little later. I'm going to go try calming down. 2 comments|post comment

[03 Oct 2008|02:49pm] commiesharefest I'm not going to even try and be modest this week, you guys. Vote for me (angelic_oni @LJ). Vote for me like the wind. If you have friends who have LJs and have nothing better to do, tell them to vote for me. Tell your neighbors to vote for me. Does you mom, dad, and/or grandma have an LJ? Tell them to vote for me, too. Polls close on Monday. post comment

[03 Oct 2008|12:07pm] commiesharefest Oh, people, don't change... Think I'm going to collapse onto the mattress now. 2 comments|post comment

100 JAMIE BELL [03 Oct 2008|09:47pm] roonil JAMIE BELL UPDATED: Never. CREDIT: roonil / liech@gj / alexander@scribbld. ( 100 ICONS ) 1 comment|post comment

[03 Oct 2008|06:32am] blackfairytale Line 1 Genre: Faux Celeb Suggested Faces: Jensen Ackles and Sophia Bush; Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush; Jensen Ackles and Jessica Alba Summary: They met years ago on the set of her first starring role (Dark Angel). For the longest time, they had incredible on-screen chemistry, and unbelievable off-screen hatred. She was stressed beyond all belief, and he thought she was just getting spoiled by Hollywood. One night, and a couple of drinks later, everything changed. Since then, they've had a rocky on-again-off-again relationship, with other people, blockbusters, flop films, major comebacks and everything in between. Line 2 Genre: Faux Celeb/City based Suggested Faces: Jensen Ackles and Kristin Kreuk; Matthew McConaughey and Kelly Clarkson; Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel Summary: He's a famous movie star, famous for his womanizing playboy ways. She's the ever-constant, always reliable, somewhat nerdy personal assistant that was given to him by his agent to keep him on track. Could she resist his charms? Will she become another notch on his bedpost, or will he finally inbe something more? Line 3 Genre: City based Suggested Faces: David Beckham and Danneel Harris; Milo Ventimiglia and Hayden Panettiere; Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams; Jude Law and Cameron Diaz Summary: He was living a lie most people dreamed of. He had a beautiful wife, gorgeous kids, and a career on the fast track to greatness, but for some reason, he still wasn't happy. He and his wife had trapped themselves in a loveless marriage, convinced it was the best for their family to stick it out. Then again, that was before he met her: the girl who spoke to a part of him that'd been asleep for years. She was everything his wife wasn't-- caring, considerate, funny, warm, honest. He couldn't really be falling for her... could he? POSSIBLY FILLED Line 4 Genre: City based Suggested Faces: Jensen Ackles and Danneel Harris; James Lafferty and Bethany Galeotti; Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Summary: They grew up together in a small town in the south. He was always in love with her, but she always saw him as just a friend. When they went to separate colleges, they slowly drifted apart. She got married to her high school "sweetheart" (who never treated her the way he should've), and ended up pregnant only a couple of years later. Her husband didn't want kids, and left her when she was four months pregnant. With nowhere else to go, she wound up on his doorstep, just like when they were in high school. Together, they'll find the best way to raise her son, but will he finally admit to her how he feels? Will she open her eyes to what's always been in front of her? Line 5 Genre: Supernatural (based on the CW show) Suggested Faces: Jensen Ackles and Sophia Bush** Summary: Madison Michaels had a perfectly normal childhood. No huge disasters, no strange deaths in the family. It was simple: she grew up, got engaged to her high school sweetheart, and took over her father's garage. Life was going pretty well until one day, her fiancee went off on a business trip and never came back. After digging deeper into his after-hours activities, she discovered that he had a completely different side to him, and she was determined to find out what had happened to him. Along the way, she encounters a couple of brothers named Winchester. Lots of room for jumping around, time-wise. Line 6 Genre: Song based ("Just A Dream," by Carrie Underwood) Suggested Faces: Milo Ventimiglia and Hayden Panettiere; Jared Padalecki and Kristin Kreuk Summary: For her 18th birthday, he showed up on her front door, bloodied and broken, with news that her fiance, his brother, had been killed in the war in Iraq. They turned to each other for strength in their weakest moments, and, together, they'll learn to move on and maybe even love again. FILLED post comment

TAI has amazing lighting design. [03 Oct 2008|03:09am] superman I wish it was like the groundhogs day movie where you relive the same day over and over haha. I got there at a pretty decent time. The line was probably longer than the line to hell, believe it or not. Um sooo when I got in the venue, I basically got pounced over by Billy (Bill Doc, We The Kings merch guy). That was fun. Did a few practice shots on some no name bands... yeah. We The Kings came on. Horrible lighting but fantastic show. They played Feel Good Inc by Gorillaz and Hunter rapped lmfao. After that, The Academy Is... came out. I only know SOME of their new stuff and thank God they only played the ones I knew and then all of the old songs which makes it okay cause they plays Classifieds and ummm shit the other one I love more than life AND Black Mamba. I live for old TAI, honestly. The new stuff doesn't do it for me. Awesome awesome show. Stephanie got there after the show and came to talk to William who was more than thrilled to discuss politics with us. He was all anxious to hear about the debate! Which we thoroughly had the same opinions about McCain/Palin. He was seriously so intrigued ahaha. After that, they opened up 80's night and William went in for like half a second, saw what it was like and was like "WOW. GOODNIGHT GUYS." and gave us hugs and told me he was heading to bed. Sisky popped out of nowhere and we went in the club for about .5 seconds before Danny Duncan was like "LET'S GO TO THE LOCAL!!" So we went to The Local which is basically just a bar. It was me, Stephanie, Dustin, Jake (from Say Anything) and Sisky. We sat and drank a couple rounds and just talked about everything imagineable before the bar people were like "LAST CALL!" and they headed out to go hit up The Majestic and get some food. I did hang out with Travis. He made me stay until he decided he didn't feel well and wanted to pass out. Hansel is... Hansel and we all were acting stupid trying to load up the WTK trailer. They kept putting shit in the wrong place and cases and shit were falling all over them. Eventually everytime someone blinked, Travis and Hansel would be all "OH MY FUCKING FINGER OH MY FUCKING LEG" and someone eventually did get the shit beat out of him. Um I wish I could make this sound more exciting that it seems but I can't because I had an endless supply of Heineken thanks to Sisky. It was cute. The minute he saw me today he was like "Um where the fuck is my interview?" I felt weird that he literally EXPECTED me to interview him without him even knowing if I was coming or not. Like, I get it, I interviewed him like 5 times, everytime he was in Atlanta but yeah. I felt like not being a hog and giving him a break. And since when does Tony Marino have pierced nips? I swear he gets hotter by the second. And if I'm not drunk enough and haven't said this already: It was great seeing all 3943485 people who happened to have recognized me. Especially the ones I've never met before. Enjoy my drunken typos and g'day. EDIT: kenotia SJFFH I dont remember when you left. I need to ask you a question about the show. PLUS, were you around when we were loading up their trailer. THANKSBYE. 21 comments|post comment

[02 Oct 2008|08:01am] commiesharefest [ mood | tired ] This feels to be the first genuinely chilly day in a long while. I don't want to leave the apartment and go to work. But wow, I DO NOT WANT. I want bed. I want a warm bed with my boy in it. And socks. I very much want some wooly socks. This is going to present as a problem once the really cold temperatures make themselves known. Sigh. Have a good day. 3 comments|post comment

i have subjected myself to strictly random liners now... [02 Oct 2008|02:29am] superman In the restrooms at work, there is a track playing that teaches you helpful phrases in Italian such as, "Can you show me the washroom?" or "How much is this?" or... "I am leaving for the airport soon." Things you just MIGHT use but then in there is one time where they teach you how to say "Happiness Is a Warm Gun". When is that ever going to help me in Italy? Lmfao. Eep. I'm so stoked for Thursday. Not only do I spend the day shopping (I FINALLY HAVE MY OWN MONEY!!) but I am also starting The Academy Is.../We The Kings tomorrow night. Not excited about the show. Just stoked to see people I haven't seen in ages: Stephanie, TRAVIS, DANNY, & TREVOR, and SISKA and then Glor. Note, all of the band members are in caps. Looking forward to crashing a pizza joint after a show for the second time this week. 9 comments|post comment

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