I haven't written for awhile, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about you. I tried not to, just because I thought it would make my days easier. It didn't work. It didn't make my days easier, and I didn't stop thinking about you. So I stopped. I remember learning about the stages of grief, and I think I'm finally coming to the end of them. It took awhile, didn't it?
But here we go.
1. Shock/Denial: I'm not sure this was really grief, but I know I definitely felt both of these things when I started realizing what it was I felt for you. It wasn't anything I had ever given consideration to before, and I had less than no idea of what to do with the feelings. How the hell was I supposed to deal with feeling attraction, excitement, infatuation with a woman? I have lesbian friends; I have ever since I was in high school, so it wasn't like it was something new to me. It wasn't like it was something I judged. I just never expected to feel it myself at the age of 30. It was weird, and looking back, I imagine it was weird to be on the receiving end of it. I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if my behavior towards you changed at that time. Shock. Denial. Bam.
2. Pain/Guilt: This one's pretty easy for me. The pain and guilt that I felt (and still feel) after I said some things that came from a place of such huge depression are just enormous. Someday, I hope both diminish somewhat, but I don't know if they will. It's my biggest regret, and it's the thing that makes me the angriest about my depression. It's not meant to be an excuse; I know I made a mistake and I own up to that. But I don't think I would have ever done it if I had been less lonely, less isolated, less depressed...
3. Anger/Bargaining: I was angry at you for a long time. Hurt. But also angry. As low as my self esteem is at times, I felt like I deserved better than what you gave me. More of an explanation for why you vanished. Even if it was because I made things weird, I felt like you owed me an explanation. I'm not a bad person, and sometimes I felt like you treated me like one. The bargaining...I don't know. I guess I bargained with myself more than you, telling myself that I wouldn't email you or text you or wait for you, and then as soon as I did that, you would email me or text me or reach out to me.
4. Depression/Isolation: Um. This one couldn't be more obvious. You were the catalyst for the first major depressive episode I ever had. You were the reason I went to the doctor, you were the reason I did a lot of things. Not you-you, but my feelings for you and how they made me feel. Realizing that you weren't going to be a part of my life the way I thought I wanted you to be was the loneliest thing I've ever been through. Realizing what I wanted and what I was never going to have was shattering. You were shattering.
5. The Upward Turn: Realizing I could handle being friends with you again. Getting back into contact slowly but surely, but not getting too close. Holding myself back to keep both of us comfortable. It wasn't easy, but it's been working for the last couple years.
6. Reconstruction/Working Through: Realizing that we could be friends and that I could move on. I was okay with you moving on. I'm not going to lie and say it didn't (and doesn't occasionally) hurt, but I'm okay with it. There is life after a broken heart and I'm trying to live it. I may not ever feel the way I feel about you about anyone else ever gain, but I'm okay. Or getting there.
7. Acceptance: I'm probably doing this one wrong, but over the last week or so I've finally accepted the fact that I love you. I will most likely always love you. I will never have a relationship with you in a romantic sense, but I can have a relationship with you. And I might end up not ever getting married because I never feel the same kind of love for anyone like this, but that's okay. It was a gift to meet you, it's been a gift to love you, and I'm not going to try to deny that gift any longer. What you choose to do with it is your business.