iamisaac (iamisaac) wrote in 52fandoms, @ 2009-04-10 19:37:00 |
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Entry tags: | genfic, pg, thomas becket |
52 Fandoms: Thomas Becket (RP fic)
Thomas Becket
Real person fiction
PG
I knew, you understand, what it would mean. I was, after all, a politician. I gained place and favour through my work for the King. I knew what he intended of me: that I would be his voice in the Church, the vessal for the changes King Henry was determined to make.
Henry felt I betrayed him. I believe he thought that I had used him for my own ends, in order to gain a position of power; and that when I received the position, I considered the King to have finished his usefulness. I wish it were true. I wish I had truly aimed only for my own greatness. If I had, it would have been easy enough for me to bow to his wishes – his commands – when the danger to myself became evident. Alas for him (and, indeed, alas for me), my position was formed, my duty made clear, by one greater even than the King himself.
The Lord God.
I considered – I will admit that I considered – ignoring the Voice. Life could have been so easy. I could have served further as King Henry's arbitor, assisted him to the new authority he required over the Church, been fat and comfortable, living on the riches I accrued from my position. But that Voice – oh, that Voice. He came to me in prayer at first, as I led services in the great cathedral.
You know what you must do.
I did not wish to know. I prayed again and again, desperate to find another way, for Him to tell me that I did not need to follow through with what He asked.
You know what you must do.
Unrelenting. Unchanging. Loving but firm, as a father to his son. He did not need to say more; He knew I understood. He was part of me, and what I felt, He felt. He felt my fear, my reluctance – if you will, my desperation for a different message – but He would not change his message.
You know what you must do.
I knew. I knew what I ought to do, but to do it was a different thing. I ran away,and spent years abroad fearing for my life. Like Jonah, I could not bring myself to do what I ought. I went to France, worked all around His request, talking to the Pope, explaining why Henry could not be allowed his way. But still I did not do what I knew My Lord God had required of me. I cried in prayer, whispering pleas for forgiveness for my timidity. And God held my hand. He held my hand, and one day, He spoke new words.
You are strong enough. I have given you strength.
I knew, then. I knew that I could not hide from my destiny, from the path that the Lord God had chosen for me. I returned to England.
I returned. I returned knowing that my work was the work of God, that I was not alone – was never alone. I returned, knowing that nothing had changed save my own belief, my own knowledge that I could do my Lord's bidding – knowing that turning my back on the Lord would be far more a punishment than anything our human race could bring on me.
And they have come. The knights have come and told me to go with them to Winchester. And I have refused. I refused, and they left the cathedral – but they will return. Oh yes, they will return, and I will be with the Father God before this night is over.
God help me, I am still afraid.